Friday, April 19, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Florida will become the first state to regulate drones. Now all they need to do is regulate all those cars with the turn signal always on.

A new app helps Icelanders avoid accidental incest. Or as it is called in Alabama, “Saturday night.”

A new app helps Icelanders avoid accidental incest. All people have to do is bump phones. After that, they can bump whatever they want.

A study says that Tylenol can be used to cope with “existential dread”, or fear and anxiety over the human condition. Otherwise known as being a Cubs fan.

A study says that Tylenol can be used to cope with “existential dread”, or fear and anxiety over the human condition. Mostly because listening to someone talk about “existential dread” can give you a headache.

An air show in Dayton, Ohio has canceled plans to reenact the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. Apparently the people of Ohio felt the better use for a nuclear bomb would be to drop it on Cleveland.

An air show in Dayton, Ohio has canceled plans to reenact the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. Apparently air show organizers say if they want to see that much complete and total destruction they should just drive to Detroit.

Education advocate Michelle Rhee is fending off accusations she failed to pursue evidence of widespread cheating when she ran the Washington, D.C. school system. Her first clue should have been when more than a few students actually passed the tests.

Education advocate Michelle Rhee is fending off accusations she failed to pursue evidence of widespread cheating when she ran the Washington, D.C. school system. At this point, cheating in D.C. is pretty much present in everyone’s DNA.

A U.N. study says that Lithuania is the country with the highest chance that kids will get drunk. Mostly as soon as they find out they are living in Lithuania.

The ACLU says that police in Detroit are picking up homeless people and dropping them off outside the city limits. The homeless people wouldn’t mind if they would just drive them a bit farther, say to Florida.

An Elvis impersonator in Mississippi is being charged with sending a ricin laced letter to President Obama. If the real Elvis wanted to do in the President, he would have gotten him hooked on a diet of fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

A poll says that Americans are optimistic that home prices will continue to rise this year. Especially the ones they already can’t afford to buy.

Northern Trust is telling its employees that social media is something to be done on their personal time. Although to anyone who works at the 123 year old bank, “social media” pretty much means the society page and advice section of the local newspaper.

Consumers are finally rid of wireless “bill shock” as providers must inform them when they are close to monthly limits. Now the only shock they get from their cellphone is when they check in on Facebook and see the drunk and naked pictures posted by their children.

The CEO of UK department store Next gave his $3.6 Million bonus to his employees. Apparently he wanted to give them a one time experience of what it was actually like to be able to afford something in the store they work at.

The CEO of UK department store Next gave his $3.6 Million bonus to his employees. Or as American CEOs call that, stark raving insanity.

A power lunch with executives along with a personal phone call to P. Diddy is up for a charity auction that has so far seen a bid of more than $3,000. His best piece of business advice is to not waste your money on lunch with a rapper.

A drop in leading indexes is pointing to slower economic growth in the U.S. Consumers were surprised. We have economic growth?

A British study says that a western diet can lead to premature aging. Especially if that includes having to try to digest British food at every meal.

A study says that celebrities tend to die earlier than the average person. So maybe these reality shows do have a purpose after all.

A study says that celebrities tend to die earlier than the average person. Which is just one more reason that researchers are confounded how Charlie Sheen is still alive.

The CDC says that reports of food poisoning are on the rise. Which means all the money people save by eating off the dollar menu is spent right back on a visit to the ER.

The CDC says that reports of food poisoning are on the rise. Which caused stock at Taco Bell to rise several points when people realized their business must really be picking up.

Actress Kristen Chenoweth says she weighs 88 pounds. Or as Kirstie Alley calls that, her left thigh.

Actress Kristen Chenoweth says she weighs 88 pounds. Her next role will be “Gone With The Wind”. Not a movie remake, just gone with the wind.

One Direction has been immortalized at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in London. Making the wax figures was easy. The museum just used the same casts they also used for The Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and New Kids On The Block.

Jose Canseco said on a Reddit chat that he had a threesome with Jim Carrey. Apparently it was he, himself and Irene.

Nick Lachey says that Kim Kardashian called the Paparazzi to follow them on a movie date several years ago. Lachey says he remembers that every time he sweeps the aisles for popcorn at that same theater.

Strom Thorgerson, who did the artwork for Pink Floyd’s iconic album “Dark Side of the Moon” has died. The picture of light being refracted through a prism gave millions of Baby Boomers something to try to figure out while they were stoned out of their minds listening to the album.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she has considered texting Madonna to brag that her abs are better. Now this survey calling Paltrow the most hated celebrity in Hollywood is starting to make a little more sense.

Corey Feldman says he wants to buy back his $100,000 jacket that was stolen years ago. Feldman says it has sentimental value. He owned it back in the days when he had $100,000.

Kris Jenner’s TV talk show is set to debut in July. Which means she will be able to rejoin the cast on “The Kardashians” in early August.

A physicist says he has recreated the sound of the Big Bang. Apparently he discovered the Big Bang happened from a backfire when God tried to start his 1956 Mercury.

A physicist says he has recreated the sound of the Big Bang. Mostly because since there was no atmosphere at the beginning of the universe to carry sound, it was pretty much just silent.

A physicist says he has recreated the sound of the Big Bang. Although people are a little suspect at the HD recording he claims to be the noise as it is pretty much Justin Bieber’s “Baby”.

A report says that March was the 10th warmest March ever for the planet. Apparently it was determined when researchers realized Al Gore had armpit stains that usually don’t appear until April.

A report says the San Francisco Giants lead all Major League teams in fan engagement. Usually fan engagement with a baseball team means those morons who propose to their girlfriends on the Jumbotron.

Twitter has hired a data editor to find stories in tweets. Apparently his first story starts off with “I have been reading tweets all day, someone please shoot me...”

Department of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood says that sequester cuts will mean up to two hour flight delays starting Sunday. Or as United Airlines calls that, “On schedule”.

Department of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood says that sequester cuts will mean up to two hour flight delays starting Sunday. Mostly because air traffic controllers will now have to be taking the naps of two people.

A poll says that 59% of Americans think that wealth should be distributed more evenly. The other 41% are still actually taking home a paycheck.

Polls say that background checks for guns have a higher approval rating than Mother Teresa. Which is ironic because Mother Teresa’s biographer says she never bought an AK-47 without filling out all the necessary paperwork.

A study says that hard physical work may boost the risk of heart disease. Well, there’s some good news for all those construction crews we see working on the roads every day.

A study says that hard physical work may boost the risk of heart disease. But so does sitting on a couch all day. In other words, we’re all doomed.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thoughts and prayers to the readers in the Boston area. Hopefully this whole incident will come to an end soon. I was there last August and love the city and am hoping for the best. In the meantime, I will keep asking for donations to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give whatever amount you can spare. If you send the money, I will send the love!

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