Thursday, April 18, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Senate voted against proposed gun control legislation, with Republicans blocking the measure saying it was actually a jobs bill. It ensured the Senators from red states who voted against it could keep their jobs.

The USDA is starting a new program to track farm animals in cases of disease. Also to find out exactly which kinds of animals actually do end up at Taco Bell.

An electric fork is on the market that vibrates when the user eats too fast. If they really want to see results fast they should just hook it up to an outlet and zap the person with 110 volts.

Mail delivery was stopped on Capitol Hill after a ricin poisoned letter was found. The only problem is they aren’t sure when it was mailed. Not to say the Post Office is a little behind, but they are still making daily deliveries to Strom Thurmond.

“Iron Man 3” will be the first film to play in the 4DX format, which includes chairs that tilt, along with fog and wind effects. The technology wasn’t so much of a hit when it was tried with “Titanic” and three people drowned.

“Iron Man 3” will be the first film to play in the 4DX format, which includes chairs that tilt, along with fog and wind effects. The technology was developed in order to get the full effect of the Paris Hilton sex tape.

A Dutch organization is taking applicants for a one way trip to Mars as part of a reality show. Couldn’t we just combine the two and send the whole Kardashian family?

A Dutch organization is taking applicants for a one way trip to Mars as part of a reality show. Apparently it’s a reality show trade off with Mars for sending us Flava Flav.

Chicago is offering free Internet service to the poor. After all, why should only the wealthy in society get to enjoy unlimited porn?

Chicago is offering free Internet service to the poor. That way they can go around the world online to see where the jobs they used to have are now located.

McDonald’s has settled a lawsuit in Michigan over chicken that Muslim families say was misrepresented in how it was prepared. Apparently McDonald’s told them the meat was actually chicken.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy has improved in recent months. Which is a nice change from steadily growing worse over the past 30 years.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy has improved in recent months. To which everyone says “If you say so.”

An angry and armed popcorn company employee in California took her boss hostage for three hours. Apparently the heat and pressure got to her and one day things just popped.

Iraq has executed 21 men who were convicted of terrorism. Apparently the rest of the country was let go on a technicality.

Executives at a French company are accused of a worldwide breast implant swindle. Being from France, apparently they were unaware that there was anything bigger than an A cup.

Executives at a French company are accused of a worldwide breast implant swindle. Apparently prosecutors have really stacked the evidence against them.

The Supreme Court has ruled that a warrant is needed for a blood test in DUI cases. Apparently the only exception to take blood without any legal proceedings is on April 15th with the IRS.

A report says there is growing tension between McDonald’s and its franchisees. Usually the term “growing tension” is only used with McDonald’s for growing waistlines and hypertension.

A report says there is growing tension between McDonald’s and its franchisees. The problem is with the dollar menu. Or as most people making McDonald’s wages call it, “splurging”.

A report says that fewer Americans are falling behind on their debt. Mostly because no banks have made any personal loans since 2007.

A study says that being intelligent at work can slow things down. Which really explains what has been going on with network TV all these years.

A study says that being intelligent at work can slow things down. That still doesn’t explain why Congress can’t anything accomplished.

A study says that being intelligent at work can slow things down. Apparently that’s why they call them “fast food workers”.

Carnival says it is going to spend $300 Million in the wake of the Triumph disaster. The company’s at sea reputation is so bad that even Exxon and BP are sending them sympathy cards.

Carnival says it is going to spend $300 Million in the wake of the Triumph disaster. Apparently they are going to appeal to regular customers by upgrading their lifeboats to luxury class.

China is responsible for 30% of the world’s investments in green energy, outspending the U.S. As for their own country’s pollution, the government says it is keeping the smog thick so people don’t have to see all the dead pigs floating down the rivers.

Amazon is letting viewers choose the lineup of their new TV shows, in effect making them network executives. People are advised that to make decisions like network brass it helps to drink heavily and then hit your head to simulate brain damage.

A study says that high student debt is dragging down the U.S. economy. Mostly because it’s hard to pay off that degree when the only job it gets you is at McDonald’s.

Twitter is introducing ads that are target to words posted on tweets. The only problem is finding ads that correlate to OMG, LMAO and WTF.

American Airlines says that the company is back to normal after computer problems grounded flights earlier in the week. Now they are just canceling and delaying flights because they feel like it.

Johnson & Johnson has won a lawsuit about their marketing of a hip replacement device. Apparently the problem was the plaintiffs literally didn’t have a leg to stand on.

A study says that colic could be an early sign of migraine headaches. Just ask any parent with a child who has colic and they will tell you about their nonstop migraines.

A study says a hair analysis can reveal a stress hormone that could cause heart disease or stroke. The way to tell if a person is really stressed is if stress has caused all their hair to fall out before they can be tested.

Film rating descriptions will add language to add more detail. For instance, all Adam Sandler films will be rated “PG-Don’t waste your time and money.”

Tori Spelling says she has lost 45 pounds after giving birth. It was the most weight she had ever lost except for her first nose job.

The Library of Congress won a special Grammy for their work preserving historic audio recordings. They could win another one next year if they can figure out a way to destroy all recordings of Justin Bieber.

Britney Spears has recorded a song for the new Smurfs movie. The industry is changing. Before this, she had always refused to work blue.

The federal government is investigating an alleged $18 Million scam involving NFL and NBA athletes. It is the biggest scandal involving the two sports since ticket prices went up for the Cleveland Browns and L.A. Clippers.

An Ohio high school baseball team won a game 65-0 after three innings. No one even knew that the team had the Houston Astros on their schedule this year.

An Ohio high school baseball team won a game 65-0 after three innings. Apparently the other team’s strategy was to wear them out by making them run the bases until they collapsed.

An Ohio high school baseball team won a game 65-0 after three innings. It’s a good thing the league instituted that new 65 run mercy rule.

Carbon dating has proven that the Mayan Calendar ended in December of 2012 so there is no chance that the calendar was off on its prediction of the end of the world. The only prediction it missed was the end of the Mayans in the 10th Century.

Apple has lost its title of the World’s Most Valuable Company to ExxonMobil. Apparently as long as people have an iPhone to play with and enough gas to get them to McDonald’s they really don’t need anything else.

A study says that Americans spend 16 minutes of every hour on social networks. Which pretty much works out to the eight hours a day they are are spending in the office.

A study says that Americans spend 16 minutes of every hour on social networks. The other 44 minutes are spent eating, playing video games, going to the bathroom, putting on makeup, and gossiping.

Fresh & Easy grocery stores in the U.S. will close after five years. That teaches a valuable lesson. It’s not a good idea to give a grocery store chain a name that sounds more like a feminine hygiene product.

The Colorado River tops the list of the most endangered waterways in the U.S. It’s getting so bad that by the time the river gets to California, “flood stage” is declared when the water is ankle deep.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Now I know you can do better than this. I have had a few very generous readers chip in and make donations to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give whatever you can. It’s a great way to ensure a healthy future for the people who suffer from the disease now. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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