Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


North Korea has vowed their attack on South Korea will start without notice. Except that statement pretty much notified South Korea they are going to be attacked.

North Korea has vowed their attack on South Korea will start without notice. It will also start without proper weapons, ammunition or a trained army.

American Airlines grounded all its flights for several hours on Tuesday due to computer problems. After the computer problem was fixed, the airline went back to delaying and canceling flights because they just don’t care.

The nation’s largest movie theater chain says it will cut employee hours because of Obamacare. Apparently their health care costs went through the roof from employees getting ill while working during “Scary MoVie”.

A study says that a western style diet of red meat, high fat and processed foods can lead to an early death. Of course, eating a healthier diet doesn’t actually make people live longer. It just seems that way.

A study says that a western style diet of red meat, high fat and processed foods can lead to an early death. But before that it leads right to McDonald’s.

A study says that a western style diet of red meat, high fat and processed foods can lead to an early death. Who ever thought the Grim Reaper was actually dressed as a clown?

The Vatican has declared the 1999 healing of a Colorado boy who prayed to a German nun as a miracle. Apparently she cured his arthritic knuckles by beating them with a ruler.

The Vatican has declared the 1999 healing of a Colorado boy who prayed to a German nun as a miracle. Even more of a miracle is that he was cured after his family lost their health insurance coverage.

The Cleveland Browns’ owner Jimmy Haslam is the subject of a criminal probe by the FBI. Or as he is calling it, bonding with his players.

An Ohio nun has pleaded guilty to illegal voting in the 2012 election. She is accused of voting for her friend. Authorities became suspicious when she showed up at the polling site wearing her habit and signing in as “Sharon Goldberg”.

An Ohio nun has pleaded guilty to illegal voting in the 2012 election. She avoided prison time and was ordered to say three Our Fathers and two Hail Marys.

A study says that hospitals profit from their own surgical errors because patients are forced to stay longer. They break about even with the inpatients but apparently the really big markup is in the hospital morgue.

A study says that hospitals profit from their own surgical errors because patients are forced to stay longer. So if you need surgery, always check into the dumpiest looking hospital in town.

A poll says that Americans’ confidence in the economy slipped last week. Mostly because they realized it was approaching the tax day deadline and they remembered it was another year where they didn’t have any income to file a return.

Chicago will be a test city for wider and cheaper Internet service. The only problem is giving the people in the city immediate access to information about how dangerous and expensive it is to live in Chicago.

The Scooter Store has filed for bankruptcy in Delaware. There’s the problem. Why aren’t they located near all their customers in Florida?

The Scooter Store has filed for bankruptcy in Delaware. Which means everyone is going to have to watch for all the seniors driving their Buicks down the grocery store aisles.

A former employee of a New York City law firm has been convicted of stealing $376,000 in copier toner. The theft set the firm’s lawyers from sending out an entire week’s worth of billing.

New Jersey is joining other states in proposing limitations on noncompete agreements. Mostly how everyone agrees New Jersey can’t compete with any other states when it comes to picking a place to live.

A study says the taste of beer is enough to release dopamine into the brain which causes pleasure. If that was true, wouldn’t people be ordering it by the shot?

A study says that 82% of assisted living residents have Alzheimer’s Disease, high blood pressure or heart disease. The other 18% wish they did so they would have a way to get out of the home sooner.

A study says that 82% of assisted living residents have Alzheimer’s Disease, high blood pressure or heart disease. The other 18% are still quick enough with their minds and bodies so they can get away from their kids who are trying to put them away.

A parasitic worm has inspired a new surgical technique. Until now, the only parasites found lurking around operating rooms were malpractice lawyers.

A study says that a higher heart rate even in fit people can be a sign of early death. Especially when the higher heart rate is caused by seeing their latest doctor’s bill.

Ozzy Osbourne has denied he is getting a divorce from his wife Sharon. He was even shocked to hear the rumors. “I’m married?”

Ozzy Osbourne has denied he is getting a divorce from his wife Sharon but admits he has been on a drinking and drugs binge for the past year and a half. Apparently he has no recollection of the time he spent being sober.

Robert Downey, Jr. says he is “one of the best” actors of his generation. But with competition from the likes of Brendan Fraser, Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner, so is the GEICO Gecko.

A report says the San Francisco 49ers are taking a look at Joe Montana’s son. Apparently he is just the right size to fit into the mascot’s uniform.

Experts say that a war in Korea could disrupt the supply of TVs, phones and computers. Which means no one would have any way of even knowing there was a war going on in Korea.

Snapchat is processing 150 Million photos a day in their site which leaves pictures up for only 10 seconds before deleting them. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “NOW they come up with the idea.”

Microsoft is reportedly considering a boot to desktop option on Windows. Although most people with PCs prefer the “boot out the window” option.

A German state has nabbed tax dodgers using illicit data about their Swiss bank accounts. The IRS prefers more conventional methods. Just going after anyone who has Wesley Snipes listed as their tax preparer.

Video ads are set to hit Facebook this summer. And you thought the most annoying thing on Facebook was having your parents comment on your home page.

Researchers say they now understand why rodents never throw up. Mostly because even they won’t go into the trash to eat haggis.

GM is set to roll out new and smaller pickups that can do 95% of the work of larger models. The only problem is that 95% of pickup owners won’t be able to fit into them.

A report says that former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife has accused him of trespassing. Maybe he just got lost. Remember, this is the same man who said he was going to hike the Appalachian Trail and ended up in Argentina.

AAA says that driving a car costs $9,000 a year for the average driver. Although that average drops to $3,500 if Lindsay Lohan is taken out of the statistics.

AAA says that driving a car costs $9,000 a year for the average driver. Although that could go up to half of everything you own if your wife finds a pair of panties in the back seat.

Bandits robbed some Celebrity Cruise passengers who were sightseeing in St. Lucia. Although the victims still said it was a nicer experience than traveling on Carnival.

A survey says that brand loyalty dropped for the third straight year. Apparently the survey was based on a jump in reported unplanned pregnancies and STDs along with the increase in sales of generic condoms.

A survey says that brand loyalty dropped for the third straight year. Mostly when people who were loyal Chrysler customers realized they just had to buy a new car for the third year in a row.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Make sure you click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife Karen. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

No comments: