Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that Washington, D.C. is one of the most likely places to find potential tax cheats. Now who could imagine that anyone in our nation’s capital would have the predisposition to tell lies?

George P. Bush calls April 15th President Obama’s “favorite day of the year.” As opposed to his uncle George W. Bush, whose favorite day of the year is April 1st.

A poll says that 55% of Americans say their taxes are fair. The other 45% are the ones who still have jobs and an income to actually have to pay taxes on.

Secretary of State John Kerry says that foreign students are “scared” of U.S. gun violence. One thing they aren’t scared of is any competition in the classroom from any U.S. students.

Some New York parents are reportedly planning to boycott new and harder state school tests. Students who don’t take the tests will fail their class which means they will only qualify to be given a Mississippi high school diploma.

News Corporation CEO Rupert Murdoch gave a speech where he said that socialism is “immoral”. Apparently he formed his opinion after reading the personal e-mails of the thousands of people whose accounts were hacked by his reporters.

A poll says the federal government’s approval rating is at a new low of 28%. Apparently the poll has a margin of error of 28%.

Porn film permits dropped dramatically in L.A. County after passage of a law requiring wearing condoms during filming. Not to say that STDs are common in the industry, but porn videos are now advising people wear condoms while they are watching them.

Porn film permits dropped dramatically in L.A. County after passage of a law requiring wearing condoms during filming. Not only that, but there are now thousands of pizza deliverers and pool boys who are now also out of work.

Porn film permits dropped dramatically in L.A. County after passage of a law requiring wearing condoms during filming. The law gave a whole new meaning to the term “That’s a wrap!”

A $500 Million facelift is planned for Chicago’s Wrigley Field. It will be the third most expensive facelift in history, following all the work already done on Cher and Joan Rivers.

A $500 Million facelift is planned for Chicago’s Wrigley Field. In order to attract more fans, they will raise barriers that will make it impossible to actually see what the Cubs are doing on the field.

Marijuana research funding has dropped dramatically as more states legalize pot. Mostly because researchers don’t need to pretend they are conducting a study in order to get their weed supply anymore.

The Supreme Court is considering whether or not human genes can be patented. If they rule that they can, there are already millions of genetic researchers ready to file for patents to the genome of Jennifer Aniston. 

Giant African land snails have invaded Florida. They are large and slow. In fact, the only way to tell them from the cars on the road is that their blinker lights aren’t always flashing.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has dropped the medal that was being given to drone operators. People were upset it had a higher placement than the Purple Heart. It is a dangerous job. Operators are at risk for hemorrhoids, diabetes and heart disease.

GM and Ford are collaborating on a smoother 9 and 10 speed transmission. Chrysler figures they don’t need to compete with that, since their engines aren’t powerful to get out of third gear anyway.

A judge in Los Angeles has ordered digital billboards to be turned off. Apparently the bright lights were proving to be a distraction for people who were trying to text while driving.

Carnival Cruise Lines says they will pay the U.S. for the costs of rescuing their disabled ships. With the money they save in fuel, they may just continue the service and call it a rafting adventure.

Carnival Cruise Lines says they will pay the U.S. for the costs of rescuing their disabled ships. At first Carnival protested, asking how the Coast Guard could even tell one of their ships was disabled?

The price of gold dropped the most since 1980. Apparently the price crashed when the market was flooded after Lil Wayne decided to sell off all his bling.

The first ever alcohol free bar is set to open in Chicago. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the mixed drink menu at Chili’s.

The first ever alcohol free bar is set to open in Chicago. Apparently all they serve is Coors Light.

The first ever alcohol free bar is set to open in Chicago. Apparently they are hoping to attract a crowd of people who are good looking enough not to have to get someone hammered to go home with them.

A study says that taking a photo of a patient could result in fewer mixups when it comes to looking at their X-Rays. Except it probably won’t be necessary when it comes to people with compound fractures.

A study says that taking a photo of a patient could result in fewer mixups when it comes to looking at their X-Rays. Although it could be a problem with Nicole Richie whose photo pretty much is an X-Ray.

Mike Tyson says he lost 140 pounds after becoming a vegan. Although his wife still gets very nervous every time he starts nibbling on her ear.

A study says that mental exercises may help keep seniors mentally sharp. You’ll know they have passed the test if they can sort out and understand any of the prescription medications they have to take every day.

A study says just tasting beer may make people want to get drunk. And vice versa.

A study says just tasting beer may make people want to get drunk. Others have the urge to get drunk from other sensations, like waking up in the morning.

A study says just tasting beer may make people want to get drunk. Why else does anyone taste beer in the first place?

A study says that doctors tend to order cheaper medical tests after they find out how much they cost. For instance, instead of performing a stress test they just hand the patients their bill.

A study says that exercise may help people with Alzheimer’s Disease avoid nursing homes. Especially the ones who decide to take a walk to the nursing home.

Paris Jackson says she still has a chance at a normal childhood. Well, every family has a first for everything.

A survey by Star Magazine says that Gwyneth Paltrow is the most hated celebrity in Hollywood. Mostly because everyone loves Lindsay Lohan since she makes them feel so much better about themselves.

Meat Loaf canceled a performance in the UK because of illness. Now, there were three disappointed fans.

Frank Bank, who played Lumpy Rutherford on “Leave it to Beaver” has died at age 71. Sadly, the cause of death was ruled to be childhood obesity.

Facebook is teaming up with 19 states’ attorneys general for a web safety campaign. Of course, the best advice to be safe on the web is to not post any personal information or photos on Facebook.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder wants the state to approve driverless cars. Apparently it is felt to be much safer as it will let people in cars lie down to avoid random gunfire.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder wants the state to approve driverless cars. Residents like the idea, as long as they could program their vehicles to just leave the state.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder wants the state to approve driverless cars. Which would be more of an issue if there were still any people in the state who actually needed to drive anywhere, like to a job.

New Jersey has proposed a ban of violent video games in public places. Apparently the state wants to restrict violence in public places to Snooki’s left hook.

Former Senator Dick Lugar will be knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. Lugar says he is looking forward to it, especially the part where he now gets to party with Prince Harry when he comes to the States.

A poll says that 2% of Americans think their taxes are too low. Apparently those are the people who have graduated from the “Wesley Snipes school of tax preparation.”

A study says that fainting runs in families. Like the Lohan family, who prefer to use the term “fainting” over “blacking out”.

A report says that 42% of fast food workers are over 25 and have at least some college. The other 58% are over 30 and have their Master’s degree.

A study says that men can’t read women’s emotions from looking in their eyes. Mostly because men are usually looking at some other part of the woman’s anatomy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Let me remind you again that time is running out for donations to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation for the Great Strides Walk. If you would like to send in some money in the memory of my wife Karen, just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. I will appreciate all donations and will gladly send the love!

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