Sunday, April 14, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Tax Freedom Day is April 18th, the day when the average American has worked enough to pay all federal and state taxes. Or as the wealthiest people call that, New Year’s Day.

Tax Freedom Day is April 18th, the day when the average American has worked enough to pay all federal and state taxes. Of course, for most people that is April 18th of 2027.

North Korea says that nuclear war is “inevitable”. What’s more inevitable is anyone making threats like that being the one that gets nuked.

An umpire at a high school baseball game in New Mexico is in trouble for telling a Latino player to stop speaking Spanish during the game. His request would have carried a little more weight if it had happened in a state that wasn’t named “New Mexico”.

Munchkin stars from “The Wizard of Oz” are upset that opponents of Margaret Thatcher are using the song “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead” to mock her after her death. Some people are shocked. There are cast members still around from “The Wizard of Oz”?

A study says that anxiety and alcohol use are tied to people who frequently use Facebook. But not as much as for the people who bought any Facebook stock.

A study says that ants can sense earthquakes a day before they happen. The only problem is that most people would rather risk being surprised by an earthquake than have to deal with any ants around their house.

A study says that ants can sense earthquakes a day before they happen. Too bad they can’t detect any sudden increase in the temperature from having a magnifying glass shining down on their ant hill.

A TV viewer prompted a penalty being called on Tiger Woods when they called Masters officials after the violation. In a related story, the 1985 World Series was given to the Cardinals following 28 straight years of phone calls protesting Don Denkinger’s call at first.

CBS CEO Les Moonves took home $62.2 Million in pay in 2012. Industry insiders were shocked. Where did CBS get $62.2 Million?

CBS CEO Les Moonves took home $62.2 Million in pay in 2012. Although he had to give back $40 Million of that in order to bribe the network to keep his wife Julie Chen as host of “The Talk”.

A study says that global warming was not responsible for last year’s crippling drought in the Great Plains. To which a warning was immediately put out for the new threat of “global drying”.

A poll says that 65% of women are in favor of tighter gun laws compared to only 44% of men. Which means Fox News demographics are pretty much 35% women and 56% men.

A study says that people who text more than 100 times day tend to lead more shallow lives. The question is, if you are texting more than 100 times a day, do you even have a life?

Police in Dubai have added a $500,000 Lamborghini to their fleet. There isn’t even a problem with keeping mileage to a minimum and preventing officers from fighting to use it. All they did was disconnect the air conditioning.

Iraqis are preparing for the country’s first election since the U.S. troop withdrawal. What’s bad is that the odds on favorite is Saddam Hussein.

A report says that doctor owned hospitals are prospering under the new health care law. It sounds like the doctors are prospering the most if they can afford to buy hospitals.

The French Senate has passed a same sex marriage bill. Apparently they felt it would be easier to get the rest of the country on board with that than if they passed something really controversial, like a personal hygiene bill.

American professional bullfighter Patricia McCormick has died at age 83. Although at the end she had slowed down to the point where the only bulls she could fight were the ones that were relegated to McDonald’s.

A report says that teenagers are losing interest in Facebook. Mostly because they are teenagers and lose interest in everything after five minutes.

A report says that teenagers are losing interest in Facebook. Mostly when they see the picture of their history test posted right above their photos of them getting drunk at a party with their friends.

Starbucks says they will drop the price of their packaged coffee. Apparently it could actually fall below the going rate of oil.

Starbucks says they will drop the price of their packaged coffee. Which means that people are actually happy to pay the extra money as long as their espresso is served up by a rude and condescending barista.

The new CEO of McDonald’s saw his pay triple. Pretty much like the waistlines of all the regular McDonald’s customers.

A couple in New York found $100,000 left in their new safe deposit box. Remember when banks only had to give a new toaster to attract depositors?

The world’s largest yacht has been launched at 590 feet in length. Although to save money the owners could only have it made with a width of three feet.

The world’s largest yacht has been launched at 590 feet in length. If they wanted a boat that big to have to themselves they should have just booked a cruise on Carnival.

A study says that drivers with sleep apnea are more likely to fall asleep behind the wheel. However, they are still less dangerous than someone who stays awake enough to text while they are driving.

A study says that people will sacrifice a workout in order to prepare a healthy meal. Of course, they will also skip a workout to sit on a couch playing video games for eight hours.

Doctors are being warned to use extra caution on social media. Apparently some are taking “bedside manner” to include sending naked photos of themselves.

Jay-Z has applied to be certified as a baseball agent. Apparently that means he made his recent trip to Cuba when the Yankees said they were looking for some new relief pitchers.

Jay-Z has applied to be certified as a baseball agent. How high maintenance is Beyonce that he needs to get another job to support her?

Jay-Z has applied to be certified as a baseball agent. If Major League players really wanted to intimidate management during negotiations, they would hire 50 Cent.

Jonathan Winters has died at age 87. He is considered the inspiration for Robin Williams. Fortunately he was entertaining enough that most people won’t hold that against him.

Jonathan Winters has died at age 87. He had been out of the public eye for quite awhile. People assumed he was either sick or on a show on NBC.

Kim Kardashian’s divorce trial with Kris Humphries has been set for May 6th. Apparently the Kardashians wanted to make sure it coincided with the May TV ratings book.

Kim Kardashian’s divorce trial with Kris Humphries has been set for May 6th. There is a good chance it could last into August which would mean the trial would actually last longer than their marriage.

Tiger Woods was penalized two strokes for what some people said was cheating at the Masters. Which means that if Elin Nordegren was on the rules committee, he could have been slapped with 30 penalty shots.

Joan Rivers said if she was a young comic, she would stay with the Internet. Of course, when Rivers was a young comic the most modern technology available was the telegraph.

Google Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt says the entire world will be online by 2020. He knows because he looked it up on Google.

President Obama’s income dropped last year to $608,000, down from nearly $800,000 the year before. How bad is the economy when even the nation’s leader takes a nearly $200,000 pay cut?

President Obama’s income dropped last year to $608,000, down from nearly $800,000 the year before. Apparently he was reelected because people could identify more with someone who saw his pay slashed by more than 20%.

The Porsche 911 turns 50 this year. Which makes it younger than most of the people who drive them.

A proposed bill would raise the minimum wage in Michigan to $10 an hour. Which is kind of a moot point since the last paying job left the state in 2007.

Alec Baldwin says that no one wants to host the Oscars since it is a thankless job that pays chickenfeed. Or as everyone else in the country is saying, welcome to our world.

A survey says that one third of Americans enjoy doing their income taxes. Mostly because they know the other two thirds wished they had an income to pay taxes on.

A study says the best educated moms are opting out of the work force. Mostly because it would cost more to pay for day care than they would be making with that Harvard diploma hanging over their work station at McDonald’s.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! RIP Jonathan Winters. I actually had the chance o meet him at a conference in Santa Barbara. What a great guy! He left the auditorium and a little old lady came up to him in the parking lot and he didn’t get out of character (I guess he really never got out of character) and was messing with her for about ten minutes. I always thought it was great that he seemed to have time for everyone. He will be missed! Also, don’t forget we are getting close to the Great Strides Walk to fight Cystic Fibrosis. Feel free to make a donation, whatever you can in the name of my wife Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and the rest is easy. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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