Friday, April 12, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


An 81 year old Florida man has been arrested for being the ringleader of a prescription drug ring. To which all his neighbors are asking what is wrong with these kids today?

An 81 year old Florida man has been arrested for being the ringleader of a prescription drug ring. Apparently the gang was using him because no one ever got suspicious when someone his age walked into a pharmacy to pick up 56 prescriptions.

DC Comics has introduced the first transgender character in a mainstream comic series. If the character is popular enough, they will change their name to AC/DC Comics.

DC Comics has introduced the first transgender character in a mainstream comic series. Although people have always wondered about Superman. He wears tights, shows no interest in Lois Lane and the real reason he hates green Kryptonite is because it clashes with his red and blue cape.

Former Sex Pistols singer Johnny Rotten is calling for “respect” for Margaret Thatcher after her death. Because if there is one thing people associate with the Sex Pistols, it is the towering respect they exhibited to the people in government.

Former Sex Pistols singer Johnny Rotten is calling for “respect” for Margaret Thatcher after her death. To which anyone under 50 is asking “Who is Johnny Rotten?”

Greek unemployment has hit a record high of 27.2%. Economists are shocked. How did the other 72.8% of people find work in Greece?

Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen sent and then deleted a flirting Tweet to Cyndi Lauper after a performance. Which would be big news if it were still 1982.

Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen sent and then deleted a flirting Tweet to Cyndi Lauper after a performance. Apparently he was asking her why he doesn’t see her on the MTV anymore?

Descendants of gangster Al Capone have signed on to do a reality show. It could be the most embarrassing piece of television featuring Capone since Geraldo Rivera opened his vault.

A 15 year French study says that wearing a bra can actually cause breasts to sag. The study actually took a month but researchers decided they needed to expand the study another 14 years and 11 months just to make sure.

Stephen Hawking says humans will not survive the next 1,000 years without escaping Earth. What’s worse is that he is giving only three years for people to escape Detroit.

Stephen Hawking says humans will not survive the next 1,000 years without escaping Earth. He admonished the people of the planet, saying “That’s why we can’t have nice things!”

The NHL has announced it will support gay rights in all sports. There are no gay people in hockey, mostly because there is no way anyone is going to mess up all that dental work they just paid for.

The NHL has announced it will support gay rights in all sports. Which pretty much means anyone who wears ice skates and doesn’t play hockey.

A study says that today’s adults are so unhealthy they are in effect 15 years older than their parents were at the same age. Which means today’s kids are pretty much going to be passing their parents up by the time they get to middle age.

An Iranian scientist says that he has technology that allows him to see five to eight years into the future. Which means he can tell what is going to happen all the way into 1459.

The Nobel Prize awarded to Francis Crick for his work on discovering DNA has been sold at auction for $2.7 Million. Apparently it was bought by Maury Povich who without DNA testing would never have made his fortune saying “You are the father!”

Montana lawmakers have passed a bill decriminalizing gay sex. Apparently they changed their mind about it when they found out that “Brokeback Mountain” actually took place in Wyoming.

A $26,000 reward has been offered to catch the person who shot a circus elephant in Mississippi. Witnesses describe the gunman as wearing heavy makeup and using a gun that shot a flag saying “Bang”.

The U.S. Mint has launched a competition to design one side of a coin commemorating baseball. It is already being endorsed by Pete Rose as the coin he will toss to make decisions on all his bets.

The U.S. Mint has launched a competition to design one side of a coin commemorating baseball. Interesting enough, it will be a one dollar coin that will become a five dollar coin when injected with steroids.

A study shows a ten year decline in the number of employees with health insurance offered through their work, currently dropping to less than 60%. Mostly because fewer than 60% of people have jobs anymore.

Justin Bieber has launched a prepaid debit card that is aimed to teach kids about responsible spending. Like how to avoid using a card to buy things that charges you $3.95 a month just to have Justin Bieber’s picture on it.

Justin Bieber has launched a prepaid debit card that is aimed to teach kids about responsible spending. Apparently the 19 year old singer will use the money he gets from the $3.95 monthly charge to pay off his Ferrari, yacht and private jet.

Tickets to the Masters were selling at a record $10,000 this year in anticipation of a Tiger Woods victory. Which interestingly is the same amount of money it costs to get a lap dance with one of Tiger’s former mistresses.

Tickets to the Masters were selling at a record $10,000 this year in anticipation of a Tiger Woods victory. The best thing about the high prices is they will be too expensive for anyone who would yell “You da man!” or “Get in the hole!” on every swing.

Chevron CEO John Watson saw his pay jump 30% last year to $32.2 Million. It would have been even more but he mercifully decided to stop after raising gasoline prices to $4 a gallon.

Katie Holmes says she uses snail slime to keep her skin smooth. Apparently she got the idea after the first time she made out with Tom Cruise.

A study suggests that mental illness flourishes in the winter months and declines in the summer. Unless you are a Cubs fan.

A study says that clicking noises while a person sleeps can help improve their memory. Especially the next morning when they remember who was making the clicking noises all night and beat them up.

The CDC says that four out of five Americans were prescribed antibiotics last year. No one even realized that Paris Hilton was back on the dating circuit.

A report by Johns Hopkins University says that governments should use zoning laws to limit the number of liquor stores. Or to really keep alcohol consumption down, they should limit the number of universities.

A study says that exercise is as good as a massage for sore muscles. Especially when you get most your exercise running away from your wife when she catches you at a massage parlor.

Jamie Foxx will be presented with the MTV Generation Award. The award goes only to people from the generation that remembers when you could watch music videos on MTV.

A Washington State woman has been charged with stalking former “American Idol” contestant Clay Aiken. Wait until she finds out the real reason he didn’t want to have anything to do with her.

14 year old Tianlang Guan from China shot an opening round 73 at the Masters. The most emotional part of his trip to Augusta was meeting Tiger Woods and reminiscing with him how only a week ago he was sewing his shoes at the Nike factory.

A U.S. Senator from Connecticut has asked Fox to not broadcast a NASCAR race sponsored by the NRA. Nice try. Fox, NASCAR and the NRA is the Tea Party equivalent of Mom, apple pie and baseball.

A congressional panel has approved an Internet freedom bill. Which usually means that will give the government the freedom to tax our online use and have free access to all our Internet searches and e-mails.

Scientists say that supercomputers could generate a warning system to impending stock market crashes. They could do that by just seeing when all the wealthy people start selling off their stocks in a hurry.

A survey says the smartphone that people want the least is the Blackberry. The one exception was the person who just came out of a coma they have been in since 2001.

Google is launching a tool that allows users to decide what happens to their accounts and e-mail after they die. Or you could just think about it now that Google has the technology to go through your computer and read your mind.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Great Strides Walk to fight Cystic Fibrosis is a little over a month away. Still time to get in your donations! Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

No comments: