Thursday, April 11, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Washington, D.C. home prices have hit a record high. Mostly because that’s where the two biggest money pits in the world are located. Both houses of Congress.

A study says that social media cuts friendships short because people tend to be more rude to each other. Especially when one makes insulting comments about the naked pictures the other one has sent.

A study says that social media cuts friendships short because people tend to be more rude to each other. How can you not be short when you are only given 140 characters to say something?

Beyonce and Jay-Z’s trip to Cuba has been described as “educational” by the Treasury Department. No wonder their school system is better than ours. What boy isn’t going to be interested in coming to class when Beyonce is the subject?

Family Dollar stores says they have been hurt by tax refunds that have been delayed this year. Remember when the economy was good and people used their tax refunds to buy a car or take a vacation instead of blowing it on a couple of candy bars at the dollar store?

Thieves in New Jersey stole $100,000 of hamburger meat. Fortunately, the missing meat won’t affect any local McDonald’s restaurants as they haven’t had a shipment of actual meat in decades.

Thieves in New Jersey stole $100,000 of hamburger meat. To which Governor Chris Christies says “Forget Hurricane Sandy. Now we are in a real state of emergency!”

Police in New York are confiscating guns from people who are on anti-anxiety medication. Shouldn’t the people who won’t be freaking out be the ones who are able to carry around firearms?

Some states have voted to not allow health insurance companies to charge higher premiums for smokers. Mostly because anyone who is paying for cigarettes doesn’t have enough money left over to afford health insurance anyway.

A Chinese official says a new strain of bird flu is a biological weapon attack by the U.S. They aren’t giving us credit where it belongs. If there is anything we invented that is destroying the health of the Chinese, it is smog.  

A report says that half of Justin Bieber’s followers on Twitter are fake. Which is a relief to find out there aren’t really 37.3 Million people who actually check in to see what Justin Bieber has to say every day.

The Dutch say that 50,000 tons of meat that was sold as beef may contain horsemeat. Apparently it was discovered when some of the steaks still had fresh whip marks on them.

The Dutch say that 50,000 tons of meat that was sold as beef may contain horsemeat. Apparently the local horse tracks have four categories. Win, place, show and fillet.

The U.S. has issued new terror warnings to travelers in Pakistan. First of all, anyone from the U.S. who is traveling in Pakistan really needs to get a new GPS program.

The U.S. has issued new terror warnings to travelers in Pakistan. Is that really necessary? Do we really need to be warned of the intentions of the country that sheltered Osama bin Laden for years?

Costa Cruises has been fined $1.3 Million over the wreck of the Concordia off the coast of Italy. The disaster was so bad that they have even been getting sympathy cards from the people at Carnival.

The Louvre Museum closed down in Paris for a day because of a workers’ strike from an increase in pickpockets. Visitors to the museum have long known about the risk of getting their pockets picked. And that’s just the fee to get inside.

The Pentagon is looking to cut as many as 50,000 civilian jobs over the next five years. One way to cut some jobs would be to try to just fight one war at a time.

The Pentagon is looking to cut as many as 50,000 civilian jobs over the next five years. Civilians in the military are people who are in mostly non-combat jobs. Jobs like lawyers, accountants and generals.

New York Knicks forward Imam Shumpert was scolded by the NBA for shaving an Adidas logo into his hair. Apparently he needs to be like other NBA players and do things that are approved by the league, like smoking weed and keeping guns in the locker room.

“Girls Gone Wild” has been ruled that it needs a trustee to run the company. Now, why would anyone thing that a company called “Girls Gone Wild” would have any improprieties to look after?

“Girls Gone Wild” has been ruled that it needs a trustee to run the company. Company founder Joe Francis says it’s an overreaction and that everyone needs to just keep their shirts on. Except the girls.

Sales of PCs dropped by a record 14% last quarter, the worst decline ever. Who needs a desktop when you can text while driving, order pizza and access porn all with just a smartphone?

Sales of PCs dropped by a record 14% last quarter, the worst decline ever. It looks like Apple is turning the PC into the 21st century version of Beta video recorders.

An analysis says that many homeowners are paying a bigger percentage of their income towards their mortgage. Mostly because most people who still even have jobs are making about half the income they had before the economy tanked.

A report says that summer hiring is expected to rise sharply. Mostly because there will be a lot of teenagers out of school who will be available to work for a lot less money than the adults who now have the jobs.

President Obama is calling for a nearly dollar a pack increase on the federal cigarette tax. Which is more proof that he actually has finally quit smoking.

A patient claims a dentist in Indiana removed all his teeth without his permission. That’s the last time the state licenses a dentist who just arrived from England.

A patient claims a dentist in Indiana removed all his teeth without his permission. The patient is suing for pain, suffering and the cost of moving to Alabama where no one will notice.

Recent studies say that exercise helps improve a person’s memory. For one thing it helps people remember very quickly how old and out of shape they really are.

Mike Tyson says he is becoming a vegan. Which means he will now only bite opponents who have cauliflower ears.

The Post Office says it will back off a plan to end Saturday delivery at least for the time being. Apparently postal workers need the extra day to track down all the mail they lost from the week before.

The Post Office says it will back off a plan to end Saturday delivery at least for the time being. Apparently they are getting complaints from the public that without Saturday delivery their dogs won’t be getting any exercise over the entire weekend.

A study says that teenagers who get more sleep tend to be less overweight. Mostly because the more time kids spend sleeping, the less time they have to raid the refrigerator.

A study says that limiting the size of sodas actually makes people drink more. That makes sense. Look how drunk people get when bars are serving shots.

A study says that the number of prescriptions for antibiotics varies by region. Apparently the places that see the most prescriptions written are the areas where Paris Hilton spends most of her free time.

MRIs of the brain have revealed a “signature” where specific types of pain are felt. The biggest sign of any pain came when the patients got their MRI bills.

Louis Anderson was eliminated from the diving competition show “Splash”. Where is the FCC’s decency committee when we are faced with having to watch Louie Anderson in a bathing suit?

Louis Anderson was eliminated from the diving competition show “Splash”. Apparently the judges cut him because it just took too long to refill the pool after each of his dives.

Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith will be inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame. The only request is for them not to tell what was the inspiration behind “Dude (Looks Like a Lady)”.

The Malawian government says that Madonna expected “special treatment” on her recent visit to the country. Apparently they have never read one tabloid article about her that has been written in the past 25 years.

The Malawian government complains that Madonna expected “special treatment” on her recent goodwill trip to the country. Well, that worked out pretty well for everyone.

The Malawian government complains that Madonna expected “special treatment” on her recent goodwill trip to the country. Apparently she had the gall to ask for a slice of bread and a clean glass of water.

Black Sabbath will premier their new song on the season finale of “CSI”. Not only that, but right after they are done the investigators will perform an autopsy on Ozzy Osbourne.

The Boston Red Sox streak of consecutive sell out games has ended at 820. Apparently it’s just not as much fun without seeing Bobby Valentine go ballistic when the team starts losing.

A Washington Nationals baseball game was delayed when umpires got stuck in traffic. Apparently they were caught off guard. Who thought anyone else would be trying to get into a game between the Nationals and the White Sox?

Taco Bell says that by 2020, 20% of their meals will meet nutritional guidelines for calories and fat. Which is unfortunate for all of Taco Bell’s current customers who won’t live to see 2020.

Taco Bell says that by 2020, 20% of their meals will meet nutritional guidelines for calories and fat. The other 80% are the ones their customers will actually still be buying. 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I am asking you all to make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give whatever you can. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!

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