Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


China says it will vaccinate 90,000 pigeons against the bird flu. People in the U.S. would like to see a similar program, as long as the inoculation is given with a shotgun.

Televangelist Joel Osteen was the victim of an elaborate Internet hoax. In other words, he was beaten at his own game.

A bill in California would extend closing time at bars to 4 AM in order to attract more tourists. Apparently the state is specifically targeting the largely untapped market of more visitors from Scotland.

A bill in California would extend closing time at bars to 4 AM in order to attract more tourists. Because nothing makes a vacation more refreshing than having that final shot of Bourbon just in time to go out and grab some breakfast.

The National Transportation Safety Board says that a helicopter crash in 2011 was likely caused by the pilot texting while flying. The only question is what was a 16 year old girl doing piloting a chopper in the first place?

An audit says the government is paying for information it could have gotten for free on the Internet. To which government officials are defending themselves saying that the best porn sites are for paying customers only.

An audit says the government is paying for information it could have gotten for free on the Internet. For one thing, all our top secret military documents can be found right there on Wikileaks.

CNN’s “The Point” has been canceled after a week. Apparently the show’s title was short for “What’s the Point?”

CNN’s “The Point” has been canceled after a week. Or as NBC calls that, a pretty good run.

A circus elephant in Mississippi was injured in a drive by shooting. Police say they are looking for several suspects who were all wearing heavy makeup and bright clothing and were crammed into a very small getaway car.

The CDC says that many Americans are skipping their prescription medications in order to save money. Apparently they are putting the money away so they have enough to afford their funeral.

A strong sandstorm hit China, blurring the skyline and cutting visibility for drivers. In fact, the sand was so thick it was even hard to see the smog right in front of your face.

This week marked the 10th anniversary of the fall of Baghdad to American forces. Which is sort of like the Cubs winning the World Series in 1908 and their fans still figuring they are on the verge of another championship any year now.

A Catholic nun in New York called the “gambling nun” pleaded guilty to stealing $130,000 from the church to support her gambling addiction. Church officials became suspicious when she changed her name to “Sister Mary Aces High Slim”.

A Catholic nun in New York called the “gambling nun” pleaded guilty to stealing $130,000 from the church to support her gambling addiction. She says it started out innocently enough, getting hooked on Tuesday Night Bingo then the Parish raffle and it just spun out of control from there.

The NFL is trying to dismiss 200 cases involving more than 4,000 retired players who claim they weren’t properly warned about possible head injuries. The NFL claims anyone who played during the 1970s or after had plenty of opportunity to see what happened to Terry Bradshaw.

A report is calling for broad changes in how science is taught in classrooms. Apparently they are upset that after three years of high school science, the only thing kids are taking away is how to make a meth lab.

A New Hampshire judge has found ExxonMobil liable for $236.4 Million for groundwater contamination. The worst part is that the company tried to countersue the state for getting all that water into their oil.

A New Hampshire judge has found ExxonMobil liable for $236.4 Million for groundwater contamination. The company is claiming the amount is excessive. It could take ExxonMobile as long as three hours to make that money back.

DirecTV will broadcast a channel just for dogs. Which is going to be interesting to see who wins out when a pit bull owner and his dog have a dispute over who gets the remote.

DirecTV will broadcast a channel just for dogs. Apparently it is a big hit with canines. They haven’t seen that many bitches on one show since any of the “Real Housewives” shows.

A report says there are three unemployed Americans for every available job opening. It would be a one to one ratio except that since the recession, everyone who still has a job is having to do the work of three people.

CBS says that the March Madness finals had 23.4 Million viewers. Or as NBC calls that, a pretty good year.

A racy Texas restaurant chain has trademarked the term “breastaurant”. It refers to places that have young, attractive waitresses and are frequented by middle aged men and divorce lawyers.

President Obama has targeted $25 Billion in wasteful government spending to try to cut from the budget. Now the problem is how to cut the other $1 Trillion the government overspends every year.

President Obama has targeted $25 Billion in wasteful government spending to try to cut from the budget. The best thing to do would be to start with the money allocated to run Congress each year.

French workers are suing Goodyear in Ohio to save their jobs from being sent to China. How bad is it when countries that have been outsourced our jobs are complaining about outsourcing?

A new movie called “The Tale of Timmy Two Chins” explores what it is like to be a fat, male teenager in America. In other words, it’s a documentary.

A new movie called “The Tale of Timmy Two Chins” explores what it is like to be a fat, male teenager in America. The sequel is what happens when he becomes an adult. It’s called “The Continuing Tale of Timmy Four Chins”.

A Detroit hospital has unveiled a less revealing gown for patients. Before it was the patient who was unveiled in a hospital gown.

A Detroit hospital has unveiled a less revealing gown for patients. Now all they need to do is make it bullet proof and they will really be on to something.

Kim Kardashian is scheduled to be a presenter at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday. Apparently she is up for Best Short Subject. But enough about her marriage to Kris Humphries.

Kim Kardashian and her mother Kris Jenner are on the witness list for her divorce trial. Apparently the marriage was so short it’s hard to find anyone who actually saw anything.

Tom Cruise says he did not expect the divorce from Katie Holmes. Apparently by the time you get to wife number three, you think you have things figured out.

Tom Cruise says he did not expect the divorce from Katie Holmes. Apparently he thinks she never saw his episode of jumping on the couch on Oprah’s show.

GSN is considering adding a church based dating show. Most churches are good with the concept although the Catholics are demanding they use anyone but altar boys.

The NASCAR All-Star Pit Crew Challenge has been canceled because they couldn’t find a sponsor. Apparently it was the gas tank fueling competition that drove the cost beyond what anyone could afford.

The NASCAR All-Star Pit Crew Challenge has been canceled because they couldn’t find a sponsor. Not only that, but the crew members keep delaying the competition because they won’t quit sniffing Danica Patrick’s seat.

Jack Nicklaus says that Tiger Woods will break his record. No one even suspected Jack had been cheating on his wife.

Virginia and Utah are mounting a joint raid on California to get businesses to move to their states. Apparently both states are confident they can wind up dividing all six California businesses that are actually still solvent.

Facebook and GM have restored their relationship after a spat about online advertising on the site. Apparently GM feels they can sell some Buicks ever since they found out lots of kids’ have gotten their grandparents onto Facebook.

A White House chef is being furloughed because of the sequester. Upon hearing that, Chris Christie immediately pulled out of the 2016 presidential race.

A study says that laziness may be a genetic trait. Which explains why so many politicians have their children follow in their footsteps.

Rising auto prices have brought about the eight year car loan. Which means if you buy a Chrysler, you will be paying for it five years after the car quits running.

The National Spelling Bee will start requiring that children know the definition of the words they are spelling. That’s like the National Geography Bee requiring to not only know where Idaho is but also why anyone would ever want to live there.

A survey says that 76% of college professors are not tenured and are not paid a livable wage. In other words, they are pretty much where their students will be after they graduate.

A survey says that 83% of American workers are stressed by at least one thing at work. That thing is called the boss.

A survey says that 83% of American workers are stressed by at least one thing at work. The other 17% are stressed because they are having to do the work of the 83% who are always stressed out.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I appreciate all of you who have donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. I would hope the rest of you would find it in your hearts to chip in what you can. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and make a donation. If you send the money, I will send the love!

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