Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Stockton, California will become the most populous city in the U.S. to file for bankruptcy. Even the executives at Blockbuster are asking how that could have happened.

Stockton, California will become the most populous city in the U.S. to file for bankruptcy. Residents are shocked. Where did the money go? It’s not like they spent anything on trying to improve the place.

A man dressed up as the Easter Bunny while riding a motorcycle was ticketed in San Diego for not wearing a helmet. Apparently he was worried about having a bad hare day.

Iran says that 2013 will be the “fall of the American empire.” Someone needs to tell them it already happened back in 2007.

The number of Americans who believe in the Resurrection has dropped 13% in the past year. Apparently people won’t really believe in miracles until they see the resuscitation of their 401K.

A study says that Washington, D.C. is the nation’s least affordable city. No kidding. We give Congress money every year and they still ran up a credit card bill of $16 Trillion.

Data from the CDC says that one in five high school boys has ADHD. Mostly the ones who have discovered high school girls.

Data from the CDC says that one in five high school boys has ADHD. The other four can’t sit still long enough to be tested.

An Iranian dairy company has made a five ton tub of ice cream in hopes of setting a world’s record. Or as Americans call that, the “party size”.

An Iranian dairy company has made a five ton tub of ice cream in hopes of setting a world’s record. If they thought America was ready to invade their country over oil, just wait until the word gets out they have ice cream, too.

Apple has apologized to China after being criticized by media outlets for its “arrogance and greed.” To which Apple is saying they must have them confused with American banks.

Apple has apologized to China after being criticized by media outlets for its “arrogance and greed.” To which Apple says they will change their minds once they get a little more used to switching over to capitalism.

The U.S. is raising concerns over freedom of expression in Egypt after a TV comedian was questioned. Apparently they got the idea after reading about what is happening over at the "Tonight" show.

A study says the owners of the Chicago Cubs gave $13.9 Million in political donations, mostly to Republicans in the 2012 election. Apparently they also gave them their secret strategy on how to win.

A study says the owners of the Chicago Cubs gave $13.9 Million in political donations for the 2012 election. Too bad they didn’t keep it themselves and spend it on batting and pitching instruction.

The oldest person in the U.S. has died at age 113 in Florida. Her friends were shocked and saddened to see someone cut down right in their prime.

The oldest person in the U.S. has died at age 113 in Florida. The saddest part was she was only a couple of months away from being able to retire.

A report says that global TV shipments fell in 2012 and won’t recover until 2015. Apparently that is when the network contracts for “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” and “Celebrity Apprentice” are set to expire.

A food blogger visited Kraft headquarters to ask the company to remove the bright orange food coloring from their Macaroni & Cheese products. To which Kraft says they don’t think it would be as appetizing if they left it with its natural blue-green tint.

A survey says that nearly half of American women fear becoming bag ladies forced to live on the street. The rest say it’s not as bad as it looks once you get used to it.

New apps help parents monitor their kids’ mobile web use. The only problem is that parents will never be able to use them since they can only figure out how they work when their kids show them how.

Major League Baseball tickets have reached an all-time high average of $27.73. Which will pretty much get you bleacher seats at Houston when the Astros are playing the Miami Marlins.

Major League Baseball tickets have reached an all-time high average of $27.73. Which when added to parking, a hot dog, beer and souvenir at Yankee Stadium comes out to around $957.

BP is suing to stop an administrator from making what it calls “absurd” payments for inflated and fictitious claims over the Gulf Oil Spill. Apparently BP considers anything over $3 “inflated” and that the spill even happened as “fictitious”.

GM is bragging their new pickup trucks out-do Fords when it comes to gas mileage and towing. What they really mean is that their trucks get great mileage while they are being towed.

The FDA says it is OK for people to use nicotine replacement therapies for longer than the previously recommended 12 weeks. The only problem is figuring out how to get people off the nicotine patches and gum once they have quit cigarettes.

A study says that exercise and mental stimulation may help seniors stay sharp. They aren’t the ones who need help. It’s the teenagers who sit on the couch all day playing video games who need exercise and mental stimulation.

A study says that assessing a person’s risk for heart attack and stroke may be a better predictor of mental decline than tests for dementia. Mostly because once a person has a heart attack or stroke, they lose their memory to forget how much they owe on their medical bills.

A study says that 2.4% of 12 year olds have reported having sex. The number gets higher exponentially the closer they live to R. Kelly.

Britney Spears says she wants to become a “born again virgin” in her next relationship. That’s going to be a tough one to get people to accept, seeing as no one believed she was a virgin even when she was a virgin.

Britney Spears says she wants to become a “born again virgin” in her next relationship. Which means the guy she will be dating will be the only one who hasn’t slept with her.

Britney Spears says she wants to become a “born again virgin” in her next relationship. People would have a better chance at believing Lindsay Lohan has become a nun when she shows up wearing a habit.

Justin Bieber was reportedly banned from a club in Vienna after his bodyguards broke several cameras. Apparently Bieber was upset the club didn’t have a swing set and slide.

TBS has extended Conan O’Brien’s contract through 2015. Apparently O’Brien signed the extension after getting nervous about the prospect of Jay Leno looking for work again.

Rapper Flavor Flav’s fiancee overdosed during filming of VH1’s “Couples Therapy”. Although overdosing is probably about the best therapy that could be recommended anyone who is with Flavor Flav.

The New York Yankees set a record opening day payroll at $230 Million. It could take their stadium concessions stands up to four games to make that much money back.

The New York Yankees set a record opening day payroll at $230 Million. And that doesn’t even include the money spent on baseballs for A-Rod to write his phone number on and throw to women in the stands.

Archaeologists say they have found the “Gates to Hell” in Turkey. Up until now everyone just assumed the Gates to Hell was just the border crossing into Afghanistan.

The Smithsonian Institution has released a contract it signed that says they would always refer to the Wright Brothers’ plane as the “first in flight”. It also calls the flight at Kitty Hawk in 1903 the last flight where passengers were treated with any courtesy.

Internet Bitcoins have gone up to more than $100 in value. Bitcoins are made up currency that have a value based on user confidence. To which the U.S. Treasury is saying “We thought of it first!”

The White House is planning to furlough nearly 500 staffers from the Office of Management and Budget because of the sequestration. It serves them right for not budgeting for that.

A study says that 80% of u.S. teens are on the path to heart disease. The other 20% cringe at the idea of having to walk down a path.

Carnival Cruise Lines is blaming long lines at port on the sequestration. Apparently the lines are also a result of no one traveling with Carnival wanting to be the first to get on board.

Carnival Cruise Lines is blaming long lines at port on the sequestration. Although part of the problem is Carnival insisting everyone sign a last will and testament before boarding ship.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, April Fools’ Day is over and I am still here so the joke is on you. However, I am serious when I ask all of you to make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Many have already done so, and I thank you all! Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. You send the money, and I will send the love!

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