Friday, March 08, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A British study says that a diet high in processed meats is linked to early death. Which is the preferable option to living a long life eating British food.

A Lego toy spill backed up traffic for more than an hour. Traffic was literally backed up for blocks.

A judge in New Mexico has resigned after being caught sexting during court proceedings. That’s one case where justice would have been a lot better off being blind.

A judge in New Mexico has resigned after being caught sexting during court proceedings. Apparently people became suspicious when they noticed he was wearing his robe up around his neck.

Israeli TV claims that President Obama will present a “general framework” for peace in the Middle East. Apparently the President figures if he can solve that problem, then he could tackle something really hard like achieving peace in Congress.

An average of 350,000 Americans are still filing for unemployment each week. Economists are shocked. We still have that many jobs to lose?

A study says that food memories may aid people trying to lose weight. A better memory to help someone lose weight is a vivid picture of what they saw in the mirror that morning.

Researchers have created a strain of mice that can’t get fat by eliminating genes. That means if they can take humans and eliminate genes they might finally be able to get into their jeans.

Researchers have created a strain of mice that can’t get fat. The only problem is that the only way to catch them is to load up a mousetrap with a salad and bottled water.

A city councilman in Berkeley, California has proposed an e-mail tax to help fund the Post Office. The only problem will be finding anyone who still uses e-mail.

A city councilman in Berkeley, California has proposed an e-mail tax to help fund the Post Office. The biggest problem will be figuring out how to put the stamps on before sending them out.

An 86 year old woman in Minnesota who is suffering from dementia has been charged with felony voter fraud for voting twice in the 2012 election. Apparently she couldn’t make up her mind and voted for both Millard Fillmore and Calvin Coolidge.

After 233 years, New Hampshire is proposing freeing 14 slaves who were never granted their freedom. Historians are amazed. There were 14 black people who lived in New Hampshire?

Police in Oklahoma found a loaded gun hidden in a woman’s private parts. She just brought a whole new meaning to the term “unsafe sex”.

Police in Oklahoma found a loaded gun hidden in a woman’s private parts. Apparently if she is with a man who is shooting blanks, she wants to let him know that she isn’t.

Police in Oklahoma found a loaded gun hidden in a woman’s private parts. You should have seen where she was keeping her iPad.

Police in Oklahoma found a loaded gun hidden in a woman’s private parts. That gave a whole new meaning to the term “trap shooting”.

A proposed map of the brain seeks to unlock the mysteries of the mind. And to find out why so many people have taken a detour.

A proposed map of the brain seeks to unlock the mysteries of the mind. And to find out why so many people are lost and won’t ask directions.

A study shows that plants attract bees with self produced caffeine. So now we know why bees are always buzzing.

A study shows that plants attract bees with self produced caffeine. And you thought Starbucks was the only place to get stung while looking for a morning buzz.

The White House says the U.S. can stop any North Korean nuclear missile strikes. For one thing, how can a country that can’t even design a decent haircut plan on hitting a target thousands of miles away?

U.S. consumer debt went up $16.2 Billion in January. Consumer debt rises when people spend money they don’t have. Which means Americans spent $16.2 Billion in January.

The Senate has confirmed John Brennan to lead the CIA. Apparently the Senators figured even if he was the wrong person for the job, anything was better than having to listen to Rand Paul filibuster for 13 hours.

The Senate has confirmed John Brennan to lead the CIA. Following the hearing, the intelligence community said they would continue to use waterboarding but listening to Rand Paul for more than a few minutes would definitely be considered torture.

A survey says that more women than men suffer from workplace stress. Mostly because the majority of people laid off during the recession are men.

Volvo has launched a new safety system that spots bicyclists and pedestrians. To which Volvo customers in L.A. are asking “what’s a pedestrian?”

The Commerce Department says that manufacturing jobs still pay more than comparable jobs in other industries. Which is great news for the three Americans who still work in manufacturing.

The U.S. has been rated 19th in the world in retirement security. Mostly from the fact that Americans are secure in knowing they will never be able to afford to retire.

The first bottles of wine have been sold from the vineyards of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. People need to be careful with it. The last two people who drank it are the ones who divorced Jennifer Aniston and married Billy Bob Thornton.

U.S. household wealth has regained its pre-recession peak. Which means we were in pretty bad shape even before the economy crashed.

U.S. household wealth has regained its pre-recession peak, with Americans losing $16 Trillion in the past six years. How broke were we? Even the U.S. government took twice as long to lose that much cash.

H&R Block reported increased losses in the third quarter. Apparently before you charge people to do their income taxes you need to actually find people who still have an income.

A study says the Earth is warmer than it has been for most of the past 11,300 years. Researchers came to that conclusion after hearing Larry King keep asking if it was just him or is it getting awfully warm around here?

A stress test shows that banks could lose a half trillion dollars in another recession. Economists were amazed. People still have a half trillion dollars in the bank?

A stress test shows that banks could lose a half trillion dollars in another recession. Their advice to the banks is to stop doing what caused the recession.

A study says that women’s wages are falling even further behind those of men. What’s worse is that men are asking their kids if they can get them in with a factory job at Nike.

A study says that evidence of brain damage was found in college football players who didn’t suffer concussions. That evidence is called their report cards.

A study says that tooth loss is linked to a high risk of heart disease. And all this time the people in Alabama were told it was their high fat diet that was the problem.

A study says that tooth loss is linked to a high risk of heart disease. Especially when the tooth loss comes from drinking gallons of Coca-Cola every day.

A study says that bribing people to lose weight works. If that is true, why are so many members of Congress overweight?

Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold will reportedly reprise their roles in a CBS TV version of “Beverly Hills Cop”. Even Zsa Zsa Gabor will be wheeled out of her hospital room for a cameo to slap them both.

Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold will reportedly reprise their roles in a CBS TV version of “Beverly Hills Cop”. Apparently they are both getting a little older so their roles consist of nothing but bringing Lindsay Lohan in for parole violation hearings.

Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold will reportedly reprise their roles in a CBS TV version of “Beverly Hills Cop”. In a move to a more reality based format, most of the show consists of their five hour commute to work as that is as close as cops can afford to live to Beverly Hills.

The Grammy Museum will open a Ringo Starr exhibit this summer. The reason the exhibit will be at the Grammy Museum is because people who don’t know who Ringo is should ask their grammy.

Tiger Woods took the first round lead at the Cadillac Championship, shooting a 66. The only other time he got off to a faster start in the Cadillac was when Elin was chasing him   in his Escalade down the driveway with her 9 iron.

A rare kissing octopus will be on display for the first time in California. Or as single women in California are saying, “Already dated him.”

MIT and Stanford have been rated as the top schools for computer science. Mostly because only the top students there will be able to program a computer to figure out how many years it is going to take them to pay off their tuition loans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! May is still a ways away, but why wait? I am asking you all to donate whatever you can to the Cystic Fibrosis Great Strides Walk in the memory of my wife Karen. Just click on the icon and the rest is easy. If you donate, I will even personally make sure to send the love!