Thursday, March 07, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The start of the Papal Conclave was delayed when the Vatican muzzled Cardinals from speaking out publicly. The Church just wishes it had as much luck in trying to keep all those altar boys silent.

Government Documents show the DHS has a fleet of drones with the technology to determine which people are carrying guns. Of course, in Texas the hard part is finding the two or three people who actually aren’t packing heat.

Google says the FBI is monitoring the Internet in their search for terrorists. What the FBI hasn’t explained is how all those women are going to perform acts of terror when they aren’t wearing any clothes.

Google says the FBI is monitoring the Internet in their search for terrorists. They would probably have more luck catching terrorists if Google would help look for them too instead of spying on the FBI and the rest of us.

A report says that Prince William and Kate are expecting a baby girl. The bad news is that there is already an ultrasound circulating showing the fetus cavorting around topless.

Google is testing a same day delivery service which is sparking speculation they will start to compete with Amazon.com. Apparently they can get items out faster because all their spying lets them know what you are going to buy before you do.

A Zimbabwe woman was mauled to death by a lion while she was having sex outdoors. Apparently practicing safe sex there means bringing along a hunting guide.

A Zimbabwe woman was mauled to death by a lion while she was having sex outdoors. When a woman there asks if you brought along a “Magnum”, she means a .357.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s latest health crusade is against loud music played in earbuds. Apparently people in New York find it a good way to drown out all the typical daily city noise of screaming, honking and gunfire.

A report says the U.S. Capitol Building is crumbling and in need of $154 Million in emergency repairs. Although it would actually save a lot more than that if the building were just allowed to collapse while Congress is in session.

A study says that more Americans are raiding their 401K accounts to pay bills. Apparently they feel the bills are here now, and they don’t have to worry about even having a chance to use their 401K until they are at least 90.

A new breath test can reportedly detect stomach cancer. Apparently it can detect whether or not you have eaten at Taco Bell in the past few days.

A new breath test can reportedly detect stomach cancer. How bad would it be to have a cop tell you the breathalyzer says the good news is you aren’t drunk but the bad news is you have a month to live.

A new laptop device can detect strokes while they are happening. Apparently it works best while people are online checking out their 401K accounts.

China is seeking to tackle problems that threaten to alienate their middle class. Congress and the banks have already taken care of those problems in the U.S. by completely eliminating the middle class.

The U.S. has told its U.N. ambassadors to quit getting drunk during budget meetings. We would solve a lot more problems here at home if we could just get Congress to do the same thing.

A French study says that Mother Teresa did not exactly behave like a saint during her time on Earth. You know things are a lot worse than they may seem when it is the French who are calling someone out for being rude.

Maryland is moving closer to abolishing the death penalty. Of course, the bad part is the only thing prisoners fear worse then being executed is living out a life sentence in Maryland.

An Alabama foot doctor is thanking a cashier at an Atlanta airport for returning $7,000 he left on a curb. Fortunately the money was returned before his flight so he was able to use it all to pay for his luggage, have two drinks and watch an in-flight movie.

Files of the Dreyfus Affair have been released online. The 1894 scandal involved high ranking members of the French military. People are still amazed. There was a time when France had a military?

The House has taken action to avoid a government shutdown during the sequester. Ironically, shutting down the government would do more to get rid of the federal deficit than anything else Congress has done yet.

A study says that public college tuition went up 8.3% last year. The sad part is most public college students were asking if that was more than half.

Taco Bell fans in parts of California were angered when the new Cool Ranch tacos didn’t come out a day early as promised. Apparently restaurant owners wanted the ingredients to sit out another day to make sure they had that familiar Taco Bell taste.

A study says that regular activity is linked to greater happiness over the years. And they have the three happy active seniors they found to prove it.

A new “Mortality Index” suggests the key to living at least another ten years includes being slightly overweight. The only problem is that for most Americans it would take ten years of strict dieting to get down to being only slightly overweight.

A new “Mortality Index” suggests the key to living at least another ten years includes being slightly overweight. Or as people who are slightly overweight in America are now referred to, “anorexic”.

The CDC says that the number of calories eaten by Americans is trending down, even though obesity rates are rising. How fat have we gotten that we have to actually diet to stay morbidly obese?

The CDC says that the number of calories eaten by Americans is trending down, even though obesity rates are rising. Apparently there is some sort of lag effect and all those Twinkies we ate as kids are finally starting to take hold.

A study says that playing video games may help seniors stay emotionally and physically healthy. Mostly because they didn’t sit around playing video games all day when they were kids.

A Chicago gym is letting people work out with their pets. Apparently members have found the fastest way to lose weight is to let a pit bull get behind them on the treadmill.

A survey says that Colorado is the nation’s thinnest state, with an 18.7% obesity rates. Apparently it’s because everyone is running around so they won’t get shot by all the 2nd Amendment supports who are always fully armed.

Ricky Shroder says he made out with Whitney Houston when he was 15 on the set of “Silver Spoons”. Interestingly enough, he says she was the only one on the show who actually always carried around a silver spoon.

Ricky Shroder says he made out with Whitney Houston when he was 15 on the set of “Silver Spoons”. He says he remembers because after kissing her he stayed awake doing laundry and rearranging his furniture for six straight days.

Actor Edward Furlong has been sentenced to 180 days in jail for violating his probation. If they ever do a movie about Furlong’s time in jail, it will be called “The Green One Eighth Mile”.

Carrie Fisher says she will reprise her role as Princess Leia in the upcoming “Star Wars” movie. Not to say she s getting old, but the writing at the beginning of the film will start out “A Long, Long, Long, Long, Loooooooooong Time Ago...”

Carrie Fisher says she will reprise her role as Princess Leia in the upcoming “Star Wars” movie. Not to say that she and Harrison Ford are getting old, but the most exciting action scene is when the stormtroopers chase the two of them around on their Rascals.

A report says that Howard Stern is being considered to take the 12:30 time slot when Jimmy Fallon moves over to “The Tonight Show” in 2014. The report was confirmed to the media by a Mr. Bob A. Booey.

Russell Crowe claims he took a picture of a UFO in Australia with a camera set up to take pictures of fruit bats. People are beginning to think Crowe has mental issues. Who takes pictures of fruit bats?

The European Parliament is going to vote on a measure that would ban porn on all media. If they think they have unemployment problems now, imagine what it will be like when everyone cancels their Internet and cellphone contracts and returns their computers to the store.

A report says that desktop PCs are less popular than ever. Mostly because people find them incredibly difficult to take to the bathroom when they want to send out tweets.

AT&T is developing a response system that would help the elderly when they fall. Apparently it will play Joni Mitchell’s “Help Me, I Think I’m Falling” as hold music while all the calls to 911 are continually dropped.

AT&T is developing a response system that would help the elderly when they fall. After calls to 911 are dropped for a half hour, they will automatically be transferred over to the funeral home.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news on the music scene. Legendary guitarist Alvin Lee has died at age 68. He played at Woodstock. At least that’s what people kept telling him. A great loss for the music world. Now it is time for me to ask again for everyone to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife Karen. Just click on the icon on the blog and the rest is easy. Any donation will be appreciated. Let’s all use this as a great way to send the love!


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