Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The UN says that Colorado and Washington State’s legalization of marijuana violates international drug treaties. Which is ironic in that if more people around the world smoked pot, everyone would be too stoned to fight and we wouldn’t even need the UN.

The UN says that Colorado and Washington State’s legalization of marijuana violates international drug treaties. Apparently those treaties don’t include the opium trade in Afghanistan, the cocaine cartel in Colombia and counterfeit prescription drugs from Asia.

The TSA says they will start allowing passengers to carry small knives onto planes. That makes sense. Apparently they are still more worried about what you might be carrying in your shoe or that bottle with more than three ounces of liquid than something harmless like a knife.

The TSA says they will start allowing passengers to carry small knives onto planes. Because when is the last time you have been on a plane when you haven’t thought how nice it would be if only you had your whittlin’ knife along to pass the time?

New web connected cars are bringing privacy concerns to some experts. Although the last thing you should be worrying about while you are doing your online banking at 70 mph on the freeway is your privacy.

The federal government has posted 400 job openings after the sequestration started. If the budget cuts wreck the economy, there might actually be 435 members of the House who are looking for work pretty soon.

A 106 year old Massachusetts man has just received his high school diploma. Apparently it has taken him this long to save enough money to go to college.

A 106 year old Massachusetts man has just received his high school diploma. Apparently he accomplished it by finally outliving every teacher who ever failed him.

A 106 year old Massachusetts man has just received his high school diploma. The only problem was the three hours it took him to walk across the stage at graduation.

A study says that sex is a better cure for headaches than any painkiller. Which just took away women’s best reason for not having sex in the first place.

A study says that sex is a better cure for headaches than any painkiller. Ironically, the number one cause for most women’s headaches is having a houseful of screaming children.

Justin Bieber was booed at a London concert after showing up two hours late. Apparently the reason he was late is because he stayed up past his afternoon nap time.

The world’s biggest mall in China is reportedly a “ghost town” with hardly any businesses inside. Apparently Wal-Mart is selling cheap crap to the Chinese even cheaper than they can do it themselves.

A report says that the average car title loan is $950 and it costs an average of $2,140 to pay it back. Which is amazing in itself since the average car is worth about $300.

A report says that the average car title loan is $950 and it costs an average of $2,140 to pay it back. Even the people at Countrywide Mortgage are saying they got into the wrong business.

A report says that Iran leads the world in nose jobs. Mainly because pretty much everyone in Hollywood has had that done already and has moved on to their tummies, breasts and butts.

A report says San Francisco Bay Area workers have the longest average commute time in the nation. Mostly because the majority of people working in the Bay Area can’t find affordable housing closer than Nevada.

The EPA is warning employees they could be furloughed up to 13 days because of sequestration. Apparently they will just give them off the time they would normally be scheduled on trying to clean up New Jersey.

The White House is suspending public tours because of the sequestration. But mostly so the public doesn’t see how little anyone there is actually doing to try to make a deal with Congress over the budget cuts.

The Census Bureau says that 8.1% of the U.S. workforce has a daily work commute of 60 minutes or longer. Which is just a slightly higher percentage than the number of people who have a job to commute to at all.

The Census Bureau says that 8.1% of the U.S. workforce has a daily work commute of 60 minutes or longer. Of course, in California a 60 minute commute is pretty much just trying to drive across the street.

Ferrari has unveiled its fastest car ever, which is a hybrid. The combination of gas and electric motors means the car saves all kinds of gas and in the right conditions can get up to 5 miles per gallon.

Ferrari has unveiled its fastest car ever, which is a hybrid. That is the perfect combination for the men in Silicon Valley, as it appeals to both the wealth they have achieved and the nerd inside them that they just can’t hide.

Best Buy is following the lead of Yahoo! and ending their work from home program. Which answers the question of why you can never find anyone to help you at a Best Buy.

The CFO of Groupon says there will be no change to their business model. In other words they will keep bleeding money like a severed artery until they finally go bankrupt.

The CFO of Groupon says there will be no change to their business model. Which means to actually get people to buy their stock they will have to offer a “buy one, get three free” coupon.

A study says that before making a decision, people should distract themselves for a few minutes. That works out well. Since the invention of the smartphone, have you ever seen anyone do anything without being distracted for a few minutes?

A study says that the UK is one of western Europe’s unhealthiest nations despite free medical care. Mostly because they aren’t sure who is less healthy, the people who eat British food or the ones who starve themselves rather than eat British food. 

A study says that the UK is one of western Europe’s unhealthiest nations despite free medical care. On top of that, it’s obvious none of their health care funds get diverted to other programs, like dental care.

A report says that Alzheimer’s Disease is the fastest growing health threat in the U.S. Fortunately, we are getting so fat that most people don’t have a chance of living long enough to get Alzheimer's.

A study says a checklist can help doctors estimate whether an older patient will be alive in ten years. Apparently the checklist asks if they a) have health insurance and b) have a lot of money.

A study says a checklist can help doctors estimate whether an older patient will be alive in ten years. The first question asks if they commute by Amtrak.

A study says a checklist can help doctors estimate whether an older patient will be alive in ten years. More importantly, it also determines whether they will be alive in two weeks when they get their doctor’s bill.

Jeff Foxworthy will host a new baking competition show on CBS. Putting his career in the hands of CBS answers the question “Is your agent smarter than a fifth grader?”

Jeff Foxworthy will host a new baking competition show on CBS. As a cross promotion, they are going to see how long the Pillsbury Dough Boy will be able to last on “Survivor”.

Jon Stewart will take a summer break from “The Daily Show” to direct a movie. Which means people may actually have to turn back to network and cable news shows to try to get some real information.

Regis Philbin is set to host a show on a new Fox sports channel. He is already trying to get producers to line up an interview with Red Grange.

Secretary of State John Kerry is not impressed with Dennis Rodman’s work as a diplomat. Of course, Rodman is not impressed with Kerry’s pick and roll, either.

Joe Torre says that Major league Baseball will study the possibility of expanded instant replay. Apparently the teams won’t be satisfied until they have looked at every way possible to make the games even more insufferably long.

Donald Trump says he is going to “blow up” Doral’s Blue Monster golf course which he has recently bought. Apparently he is planning to make it unrecognizable by letting the redesign team be headed up by his hairstylist.

A study says that monkey’s don’t like people they perceive to be jerks. Which is why you probably don’t see any apes going up before the judges on “American Idol”, “The X Factor” or “The Voice”.

U.S. home prices rose the most in nearly seven years in January. Which still puts them at around the level they were worth in 1923.

A survey says that 42% of Americans say that athletes make good role models for kids. The other 58% are thinking Manti Te’o.

A survey says that 42% of Americans say that athletes make good role models for kids. Mostly because there aren’t any politicians, businessmen or celebrities who can make that list anymore.

Disgraced Congressman Bob Ney rips John Boehner in his new book, saying that Boehner lied to him about helping him out. How bad is it when a felonious former politician calls you out for your lack of character?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would really appreciate any donations to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk if you can spare a few bucks. Just click on the icon and the rest is easy. It’s a chance to help some people live longer and better lives, and there is no greater way than that to send the love!

No comments: