Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Jeb Bush says he won’t rule out a run for the White House in 2016. Apparently the Bush family is intent on trying until they finally get it right.

Jeb Bush says he won’t rule out a run for the White House in 2016. His campaign slogan will be “W was adopted.”

China is about to pass the U.S. as the world’s top luxury car market. Although with gas prices still up around $4 a gallon, pretty soon just owning a car will be considered a luxury.

President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart Foundation President Sylvia Matthews Burwell as his next budget chief. Although it isn’t known how Congress will react to her idea of putting a smiley face on her proposals along with “Rolling Back the Deficit”.

President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart Foundation President Sylvia Matthews Burwell as his next budget chief. Some people already like her idea of paying Congress $3.75 an hour, giving them the deficit and saying “Cleanup on aisle 5!”

Facebook is admitting that teens are tiring of the social network. Apparently it was bad enough when their parents just told embarrassing stories about them to their friends, not posting them for everyone to see on Facebook.

A 7 year old student in Baltimore was suspended after shaping a Pop-Tart he was eating to look like a gun. Although it turns out the only person who was really in danger was the boy who was actually eating the Pop-Tart.

The 2014 World Cup in Brazil will feature bigger seats for obese fans. No one even knew that Americans were planning to travel that far to watch soccer.

The 2014 World Cup in Brazil will feature bigger seats for obese fans. Now all they need to do is put in special seats outside the stadium for people who have vuvuzelas.

A study says the female brain is smaller but more efficient than men’s. Mostly because men are not using their brains as long as the woman has her clothes on.

A study says the female brain is smaller but more efficient than men’s. Of course, most women will tell you the same could be said for a flea.

The number of jobless people in Spain has reached 5 Million. Apparently there just isn’t the demand there used to be for castanets and bull fighting capes.

The number of jobless people in Spain has reached 5 Million. Even in Pamplona, the bulls are walking around asking people if they want to be chased for a couple of Euros.

A report says that Havana, Cuba is trying to cut back on the amount of jaywalking in the city. Apparently Fidel Castro has finally pretty much just given up on the Marxist power-to-the-people revolution thing.

A report says that Havana, Cuba is trying to cut back on the amount of jaywalking in the city. What’s next, Fidel Castro sitting on his porch yelling at capitalists to get off his lawn?

A Boston woman claims she lost her gym membership for using her cell phone. Mostly because she was using it to call Dominos to deliver her lunch there.

A police dog in Massachusetts accidentally fired a gun it found during a search. At least the dog is claiming it was an accident.

A police dog in Massachusetts accidentally fired a gun it found during a search. The gun was described as a K-9 millimeter.

A police dog in Massachusetts accidentally fired a gun it found during a search. Apparently the dog got confused and was pointing the wrong muzzle away from everyone.

A UK Cardinal has apologized for his sexual conduct which he says “fell below the standards of the Church.” Isn’t all sex by the clergy pretty much below the standards of the Church?

A UK Cardinal has apologized for his sexual conduct which he says “fell below the standards of the Church.” People were shocked. The Catholic Church has sex standards for Cardinals?

The average amount of time looking for work in the U.S. has fallen from a record high of 25 weeks back in June, 2010. Mostly because people now realize after three days they have no prayer of ever finding a job and give up.

A Connecticut Dunkin’ Donuts worker stopped a robbery by throwing hot coffee at the thief. Although police say if the robber had been injured, they would have had grounds for a lawsuit.

A Connecticut Dunkin’ Donuts worker stopped a robbery by throwing hot coffee at the thief. However, Starbucks is telling its employees not to throw coffee at robbers because a cup of Starbucks costs more than what is usually in the till.

The Forbes list of world billionaires has grown by 16%. Mostly investors who decided not to put their money in Facebook stock.

Apple has lost the title of the world’s most valuable company to ExxonMobil. The problem is that Apple can’t just increase the price of its iPads or iPhones as much as it wants every time it needs to make some extra cash.

Lamborghini has unveiled its $3.9 Million supercar. It costs an even $4 Million if the buyer wants it to come with a full tank of gas.

A survey says that 7 in 10 executives at big companies believe they can have it all. Which today means doing whatever they can to make more money while staying out of jail.

The Inspiration Mars Foundation is looking for a middle aged married couple to take a 501 day trip to circle Mars. That is going to be tough. Have you ever seen a middle aged married couple not getting in a fight over going to the grocery store?

A poll says people who exercise get a better night’s sleep. Which is great news for the three people they found who actually do some exercise.

A study says that pregnancy can make a woman’s feet permanently bigger. Mostly from kicking her husband in the behind to get him to do something around the house to help her out.

A study says that pregnancy can make a woman’s feet permanently bigger. Although men know that mentioning anything that has gotten bigger after pregnancy is pretty well left to silence.

A study says that life expectancy has fallen for some women. They are called “regulars at McDonald’s”.

A study says that life expectancy has fallen for some women. They are called Carnival Cruise Line passengers.

The FDA has approved drugs to help Restless Leg Syndrome. Otherwise as listening too much to the “Harlem Shake”.

The FDA has approved drugs to help Restless Leg Syndrome. Now that the affliction has been eradicated, it’s time to let researchers go back to working on cures for other illnesses like cancer.

Pete Townshend has apologized for swearing at a 7 year old girl at a concert. Apparently she didn’t understand that when she asked what the name of the group was and he kept shouting back “Who” it wasn’t because he is deaf.

David Copperfield’s private plane had to make an emergency landing in Illinois. Everyone knew it was an emergency landing because they were touching down in Illinois.

David Copperfield’s private plane had to make an emergency landing in Illinois. Apparently the pilots are getting tired of his pranks of always making the airport towers disappear.

“Saturday Night Live” announcer Don Pardo missed last week’s show after breaking his hip at age 95. People have to be a lot more careful when they tell someone at that age to “break a leg”.

“Saturday Night Live” announcer Don Pardo missed last week’s show after breaking his hip at age 95. Not to say he is getting too old to do the show, but he keeps announcing the musical guest as Frank Sinatra.

Jack Nicklaus says that Tiger Woods had “better get with it” if he wants to break Nicklaus’ major tournament record. Although no on on Tour will ever be able to touch his Las Vegas club hostess record of 15.

Rory McIlroy says that walking off the golf course was a mistake. The Tour policy is that it is only acceptable to walk off the course when the group behind you at the pro-am includes Charles Barkley.

A study says that 100 Million sharks are killed each year. So who can blame them when they bite an occasional surfer for revenge?

A report says that PC sales will shrink in 2013. Mostly because the number of people who have the patience to try to figure out how to actually use a PC is shrinking faster.

Wineries are putting their efforts into targeting younger drinkers. Although you know they are aiming too low when they advertise Cocoa Puffs as being perfect with a Merlot.

Wineries are putting their efforts into targeting younger drinkers. Some people think they are aiming too low, especially when video arcades start showing up along skid row.

A study says that Twitter opinions usually don’t match those of the mainstream. Usually because the mainstream doesn’t have all day to sit around tweeting about what they think about the sequestration.

Experts say that the Hindenburg Zeppelin blew up from hydrogen gas and static electricity. Which means whomever rubbed the zeppelin against the wall before its flight is really to blame.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Still plenty of time to donate to the CFF for the Great Strides Walk in May. Anything you can give will be appreciated. Make me be the one to send the love!

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