Sunday, March 31, 2013

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers!


Stephen Baldwin says he failed to pay New York State taxes for three years because he got some bad tax advice. Apparently it was from the same person who gave him acting lessons.

Stephen Baldwin says he failed to pay New York State taxes for three years because he got some bad tax advice. When someone tells you to not pay your taxes, it’s probably a good idea to ignore them.

President Obama gave a speech saying that “Americans can do better.” For the past 13 years we can’t do much worse.

President Obama gave a speech saying that “Americans can do better.” Apparently he is going by the fact that just about every other country is doing better than us.

A report says that farmland will be the next real estate bubble. Especially for all the people who spent all their time and effort to acquire fake land and equipment for “Farmville”.

A proposed Illinois law would prohibit dogs from sitting in the driver’s seat of automobiles. Even though it is much safer to have them take control of the wheel while their owner is texting while driving.

A study says that the people of New York enjoy less freedom than any other state in the U.S. To which Bill Clinton says “Tell me about it!”

A prostitute in Zimbabwe who “died” during a romp came back to life leaping from her coffin. Apparently it’s just too expensive and messy to have them jump out of cakes anymore.

A report says the price of bullets has doubled since December. In fact, ammo is so expensive that the only people who can afford to pull off armed robberies any more are the people who don’t need the money.

An analysis says that the cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will eventually cost the U.S. $4-6 Trillion. The sad thing is that back in 2003 we probably could have just bought both countries for half that amount.

North Carolina has taken down a Confederate flag from their old capitol building. Apparently state officials didn’t want people thinking they had mistakenly arrived in Mississippi.

A grand jury has indicted 35 people in a school cheating scandal in Georgia. Apparently education officials became suspicious when Georgia students actually started receiving passing scores on the tests.

An armed robber in England suffered a heart attack in the middle of a jewelry store heist. Apparently he was stricken when he saw how much they were charging for the items he was stealing.

Oklahoma has approved slaughtering horses for meat. Which means any horses that aren’t fast enough to make a graded stakes race will become graded steaks.

Bank of Cyprus depositors could lose up to 60% of their deposits in taxes to bail out the government. Or as people in the U.S. call losing 60% of their bank deposits, “service fees”.

A survey shows that 43% of women think men should shave their body hair. The other 57% still have a crush on Robin Williams.

A study says that having a good marriage or relationship brings as much happiness as an additional $100,000 in annual income. Mostly because having a bad marriage will mean at least $100,000 will go to the divorce lawyers.

Dairies in California are considering incentives to move out of state. It’s the one industry where the workers are hoping their jobs get outsourced to India so they can get in on some of that sacred treatment.

French President Francois Hollande still wants to raise income taxes on the wealthiest people to 75%. He figures if even the threat was enough to get rid of Gerard Depardieu, just think how many more obnoxious French celebrities will move when the tax increase goes in for real.

A study says the germiest items in the average home are dish sponges and rags. Except in the home of Lindsay Lohan where it is her sheets and underwear.

A study says the germiest items in the average home are dish sponges and rags. People were surprised. Who cooks at home anymore and actually uses dishes?

A study says that cigarette warning labels may be used to educate people about bladder cancer. If you get bladder cancer from smoking, you are probably holding the cigarette in the wrong place.

A study says the smell of olive oil could help with weight loss. However, to really lose one’s appetite and keep the weight off, nothing works like the odor of British food.

A study says the smell of olive oil could help with weight loss. So that’s how Popeye is always able to stay so thin.

A report says that 97% of restaurant kids’ meals don’t meet basic nutritional standards. Diet experts were shocked. The U.S. has basic nutritional standards?

A report says that 97% of restaurant kids’ meals don’t meet basic nutritional standards. The other 3% don’t meet the standards for hazardous material disposal.

A report says that 97% of restaurant kids’ meals don’t meet basic nutritional standards. The report was based on the fact that 97% of our kids don’t meet basic Body Mass Index standards.

The FCC will study how cellphone radiation affects people. Although it really doesn’t matter since people who use their cellphones the most will be killed from texting while driving long before the radiation can do any long term damage.

UPS will forfeit $40 Million they made from illegal drug shipments from online pharmacies. However, they still get to keep the $3 Billion they made from people who use them to send marijuana from California to their “Aunt Betty” in Wisconsin.

Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated and quarantined in Germany. Which was disappointing to the photographers following the entourage since the monkey is actually more cooperative.

The group that runs the Oscars is asking its 6,000 members for advice. Which is pretty much coming back unanimously as “Don’t tell James Franco and Anne Hathaway where the awards are being held ever again.”

Jim Carrey says that he was slandered by Fox News over his recent video for gun control. Apparently he feels Fox News crossed the line when they gave it a worse review than “Mr. Popper’s Penguins”.

“America’s Most Wanted” has been canceled by Lifetime. Apparently the show didn’t meet its goals of capturing the most dangerous criminals still out on the streets. The Wall Street bank CEOs.

Jay Leno hit a seven week high in the ratings for the “Tonight Show” after word came out he would be replaced next year. Apparently NBC executives are tired of him setting the bar too high for all the other NBC programming.

Jay Leno hit a seven week high in the ratings for the “Tonight Show” after word came out he would be replaced next year. Leno has been tapped for replacement so many times that NBC is making a logo change from a peacock to a vulture.

“American Idol” ratings have dropped to an all-time low. Which has got to be bad news for judge Nicki Minaj, knowing that more people are changing the channel because of her than ever did because of Simon Cowell.

“American Idol” ratings have dropped to an all-time low. Apparently people liked the show a lot better when they had to record it and watch it over and over just to figure out what Paula Abdul was saying.

Kiss guitarist Paul Stanley says that he is deaf in one ear. Apparently he always makes sure he is sitting with that side facing towards Gene Simmons.

Kiss guitarist Paul Stanley says that he is deaf in one ear. Now when he sings “Shout It Out Loud” he means just so he can hear what everyone is saying.

Kiss guitarist Paul Stanley says that he is deaf in one ear. What’s sad is that the Kiss tours used to be sponsored by beer companies. Now it’s Miracle Ear.

“Today” show host Samantha Guthrie appeared to flip off Matt Lauer during a segment last week. It turns out it was actually part of the show’s script written in by NBC management.

Pittsburgh Penguin hockey player Sidney Crosby had to leave a game after being hit in the face by a puck. Team doctors say he could have lost several teeth in the accident if he had any left.

Digital bitcoins have already passed the value of 20 national currencies. Bitcoins are a currency that is exchanged over the Internet. The only bad part is that they can only be cashed in for shares of pets.com stock.

A bio computer has been made out of human DNA. So far the only DNA associated with computer use is what happens when men are left alone to watch online porn.

Scientists say that Saturn’s rings are 4 Billion years old. The only older rings are the ones left over from Larry King’s first wedding.

Facebook is rumored to finally be unveiling a smart phone this week. Apparently the phone has a feature that immediately dials the user’s stock broker to stop them from buying any shares of Facebook stock.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a very Happy Easter. And who wouldn’t be happy sitting around the house eating chocolate eggs all day? Of course, the way to make me happy is to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. I won’t be bringing you any chocolate eggs, but I will send out the love!

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