Sunday, March 03, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Taco Bell in the UK reportedly found horsemeat in their products. Company officials were shocked. How did meat get in there?

Taco Bell in the UK reportedly found horsemeat in their products. If company officials had known that, they would have rebranded the items as “premium”.

Americans’ income in January took the biggest one month drop in 20 years. Up to then it had pretty much been a steady decline since 1980.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says that people will loan the U.S. “an infinite amount of money.” Apparently he figures now that they have already loaned us $16 Trillion, they are pretty close to infinity already.

Justin Bieber is marketing a prepaid card that promotes responsible teen spending. For instance, it won’t let them buy any songs put out by Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber is marketing a prepaid card that promotes responsible teen spending. Apparently they learn about being responsible after they find out the card rips them off for a service charge of $3.95 a month.

Justin Bieber is marketing a prepaid card that promotes responsible teen spending. He needs to send one of those cards to all the members of Congress.

Justin Bieber is marketing a prepaid card that promotes responsible teen spending. Apparently Bieber uses one himself when he goes out shopping in his Ferrari.

China says it is “fully prepared” for a currency war with the rest of the world. That is one war the U.S. will be going into unarmed.

Researchers have documented a distinctive Hawaiian sign language which they say has been in use for decades. As opposed to the official New York sign language of the middle finger which has been around since the invention of the taxi.

A poll says that global concern about major environmental issues is at an all time low. Or as the people in China are saying, “What’s the environment?”

A poll says that global concern about major environmental issues is at an all time low. Apparently the governments have succeeded in getting people’s minds off pollution by replacing it with the economic crisis.

The USDA says that horsemeat may be allowed on the U.S. menu for the first time in six years. To which Sizzler says “You can’t serve horsemeat?”

The sequestration means that Medicare doctors will be looking at a pay cut for their services. Which means don’t be surprised when grandma’s Medicare bill includes a pregnancy test and liposuction.

The Las Vegas Sands casinos says it “likely” violated the U.S. Corruption Act. It also says there are “likely” some people at the bottom of Lake Mead who stuck their noses too far in the Sands’ business.

The Las Vegas Sands casinos says it “likely” violated the U.S. Corruption Act. But it’s OK since all the corruption involved members of Congress.

A study says that working from home is a dead end job. Especially for people who live in a cul-de-sac.

A study says that brain scans can detect a person’s political affiliation. They can tell right away they are Republicans because they have enough money to afford health insurance to pay for a brain scan.

Doctors are warning that tattoos can pose health hazards. Especially when your girlfriend sees you have a tattoo with the name of another woman.

A study says that surgeons who play Nintendo Wii games outperform their peers. Although it is a bit unnerving to the surgery patients when they bring a couch into the operating room.

A study says that surgeons who play Nintendo Wii games outperform their peers. The only problem is explaining to the doctor that when they lose a patient they don’t get a replay.

A study says that surgeons who play Nintendo Wii games outperform their peers. Although it is a little uncomfortable for the patients when their doctor arrives wearing blue overalls, a red hat and a handlebar mustache. and asks to be called “Dr. Mario”.

The FDA says that sequestration will lead to less safe food. They are telling this to a country that considers French fires, donuts and potato chips with a chocolate shake a good lunch.

A survey says that one in eight adults report having sensitive teeth. Except in Alabama where one in eight adults is lucky to report having teeth.

A survey says that one in eight adults report having sensitive teeth. Apparently their teeth just take everything way too personally.

Queen Elizabeth II cancelled a trip to Wales after catching a stomach bug. Apparently she equates a couple of hours on her knees in front of the toilet is about the same as a trip to Wales anyway.

ABC has cancelled the show “Zero Hour” after three episodes. Apparently “Zero Hour” now means what the cast will be putting down on their time cards.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named editor for some muscle magazines. Apparently he was turned down for obvious reasons when he applied to be magazine editor at Good Housekeeping.

A report says that Jay Leno will retire in 2014 and Jimmy Fallon will take over “The Tonight Show”. Which means in 2015, Jay will still be doing “The Tonight Show” and Fallon will be somewhere either on A&E or Animal Planet.

Lindsay Lohan has been ordered to return to court over a case where she is accused over lying about a car accident. The one good thing is that between being ordered to court and rehab, she doesn’t have time to make anymore movies.

NASCAR is sending driver Jeremy Clements to see a sports psychologist. Apparently he has become too dangerous to other drivers when he is racing and having delusions he is on the 405 Freeway.

Oklahoma tied a record with 34 free throws without a miss in a basketball game. Or as Shaq calls making 34 free throws, a pretty good career.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says he would like to toughen the penalties for taking PEDs. It’s too bad he isn’t in a position of authority where he could actually do something about that.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says he would like to toughen the penalties for taking PEDs. Which would be really big news if it was 1992.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says he would like to toughen the penalties for taking PEDs. Apparently he feels multi-year nine figure contracts just isn’t severe enough punishment to get players to stop.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says he would like to toughen the penalties for taking PEDs. Even Lance Armstrong is saying “Aren’t you a little late?” on that one.

A study says that porn apps pose a rising risk to mobile users. And to everyone else if you thought that texting while driving was a distraction.

A study says that porn apps pose a rising risk to mobile users. Especially when their wife borrows their phone and sees what her husband is using all their minutes for.

T-Mobile will be moving to a no-contract model soon. AT&T will soon be moving to a no-contract model, too. Not by choice, it’s just that no one wants to sign a contract with AT&T any more.

Rite Aid is planning to expand its online doctor service. Right now it charges $45 for ten minutes. Ironically, the reason most men use the service is because they paid $45 for ten minutes with the wrong woman.

A study says that volcanic eruptions may offset global warming. Which is kind of like thinking that a tsunami would be a good thing during a drought.

President Obama says that the $85 Billion in sequester cuts is not going to be apocalyptic. Apparently he feels the term “apocalyptic” should only be used when referring to the economy.

House Speaker John Boehner says there is “no plan” to replace the sequester. That is no surprise. “No plan” is exactly how Washington has handled Iraq, the environment and the economy.

A poll says that Americans’ description of the sequester ranges from “bad” to “disaster”. Which is still better than how they rate the economy and Congress.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Please feel free to donate whatever you can to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife Karen. I will definitely be sending you the love!


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