Friday, March 29, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Staten Island residents say their neighborhoods that were damaged by Hurricane Sandy are being overrun by squatters and looters. They haven’t seen this many squatters and looters taking over homes since Countrywide Mortgage was still in business.

A report says that two dozen Major League Baseball players are paid more individually than the entire Houston Astros team. Those two dozen players are called the New York Yankees.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker is considering mandatory armed guards and curfews for businesses. People were surprised. Newark still has businesses?

A company is offering bacon flavored condoms. How fat have we gotten when pork scented products are now considered an aphrodisiac?

A pair of eyeballs were found in a trash dumpster at a gas station Kansas City. You know the price of gas has gone up too much when eyes are literally popping out of people’s heads when they see how much a gallon costs.

An autopsy shows that a Royal Caribbean cruise ship passenger died from heart disease. Otherwise known as spending the entire cruise in the buffet line.

A poll says that 82% of Americans want the country to prepare for climate change. Apparently that means going on a diet to look good in a bathing suit.

A poll says that 82% of Americans want the country to prepare for climate change. The other 18% think we would be better off preparing for the future by learning to speak Chinese.

An Illinois man was arrested in New Jersey with 21 tons of stolen cheese. Apparently he thought he could hide in New Jersey where no one would have noticed the smell.

A new video game is based on the Cuban revolution. The only problem is that to make it realistic and seem like Cuba it can only be played on an Atari console.

A poll says that people in Washington, D.C. have the highest economic confidence in the nation. Mostly because that’s where all the members of Congress live who actually think they are doing something to make the economy better.

Wal-Mart may start paying store customers to deliver goods to online buyers. Good luck to anyone who orders candy or ice cream and expects to ever actually see it again.

A judge has nixed a $20 Million exit payout to American Airlines CEO Tom Horton. The company should treat him like a customer and charge him a million dollars to get his things out of his desk, a million dollars to get his car from the lot, a million dollars to take the elevator...

Conoco Phillips CEO James Mulva received a parachute package of $260 Million. Apparently they feel he will need it to pay for the $10 a gallon gas his successor will have to arrange to get a similar payment when they leave.

The federal health care law could result in some California health insurance premiums going up as much as 30%. Or as the insurance industry calls that, “a bargain”.

The federal health care law could result in some California health insurance premiums going up as much as 30%. To which the insurance companies are saying “Come on. Those executive mansions don’t pay for themselves!”

A Toyota executive says that aging cars and trucks in the U.S. will drive up the demand for new cars. Especially aging Chryslers which are already pretty much in need of replacement the minute they are driven off the lot.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is facing a $1.1 federal tax bill. Fortunately, after he writes off the Facebook stock he bought the government will be owing him money.

A report says the New York Yankees are the most valuable baseball team at $2.3 Billion. And that is just for the ballpark’s hot dog and beer concessions.

A report says the demand for supercomputers is surging. Scientists say they will use them for climate change, earthquake prediction and medicine. And to finally be able to win at “Angry Birds”.

GM is seeking to save $200 Million by increasing their cars’ resale value. Apparently they play to do that by sticking Rolls Royce hood ornaments on all their used cars.

A study says that quality preschool benefits poor and affluent children. Which works out since all that are left in this country are poor and affluent parents.

A consumer group has chosen the unhealthiest kids meals offered at restaurants. Which is pretty much all of them.

A study says that cutting out distractions at meals could help people lose weight. Unfortunately, the only things most people consider distractions at meals are conversation, breathing and chewing.

7,000 patients of an Oklahoma dentist are being urged to get tested for HIV. Of course, before anyone in Oklahoma becomes a dental patient they first need to get tested for teeth.

Consumer Reports says the cheapest generic drugs are available at Costco. The only problem is they are only worth it to someone who has an illness that requires a 25 year supply.

Kanye West is reportedly not going to name his next album “I Am God.” Mostly because he doesn’t want anyone to think he is taking a demotion.

Charlie Daniels has undergone surgery for a heart pacemaker. Apparently he opted for the one that operates in 4/4 time.

Madonna has reportedly become a billionaire. Which sends an important message to girls everywhere. If you work hard and believe in yourself, you will be able to be successful enough to buy tickets to see someone make a fortune by exposing herself to everyone onstage.

Robert Zildjian, the founder of the Sabian Cymbal Company has died at age 89. When told of the news, all the company employees said “What?”

A report says that Barbara Walters is going to retire in 2014 at age 84. Apparently the word is she is going to be replaced by Jay Leno.

A report says that Barbara Walters is going to retire in 2014 at age 84. To which the correspondents at “60 Minutes” said there is just no work ethic with the young people any more.

Penn State recruit Zayd Issah was arrested for using counterfeit money at a McDonald’s restaurant. Apparently he was caught because McDonald’s workers had never actually seen a $20 bill before.

Penn State recruit Zayd Issah was arrested for using counterfeit money at a McDonald’s restaurant. Ironically the bill was closer to the real thing than the beef in the hamburger he bought.

The first love child between modern humans and Neanderthals has been found in Italy. No one even knew that Sylvester Stallone was on vacation in Europe.

Researchers say that smartphone users check their Facebook account an average of 14 times each day. Mostly to see if Jennifer Aniston has finally accepted their invitation to be their friend.

Researchers say that smartphone users check their Facebook account an average of 14 times each day. Mostly to make sure their wife hasn’t seen they have changed their status to “single”.

E Bay’s goal for 2015 is to have $300 Billion in transactions. Of course, $250 Billion of that will be for celebrity discarded gum, Elvis’ hair and Jesus toast.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading the blog. Notice that it is all free. Well, you get what you pay for. But if you would really like to do something special, how about a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen? All you need to do is click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give what you can. You send the money, I’ll send the love!

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