Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Supreme Court’s ratings have hit an all time low, with only a 52% approval rating. Even though their numbers are slipping, they are still way more popular than Congress because at least they don’t have to spend all their time begging for money for the next election.

The Supreme Court’s ratings have hit an all time low, with only a 52% approval rating. Mostly because most of the nation don’t realize there is anything in the Constitution besides the Second Amendment.

The French version of the show “Survivor” was canceled after one of the contestants died. Talk about a harsh interpretation of the show’s title.

A study says that one in five New York City preteens have a mental or emotional problem. The other four don’t develop those until they have lived in the city a few more years.

The Irish town of Kilgarvan has legalized drinking and driving. Apparently Kilgarvan is Gaelic for “Kill with a Car or Van.”

The Irish town of Kilgarvan has legalized drinking and driving. It was immediately made into a sister city of Bakersfield, California.

A study says smokers are taking to saving and relighting their cigarette butts to save money. Researchers haven’t seen so many recycled butts since Cher and Joan Rivers started going under the knife.

Ralph Nader says that the 2016 election will be the year of the billionaires. Apparently he is mad that in order to compete with appearances, he will actually have his suit cleaned and pressed.

A new implant will be able to tell a smartphone when a person is about to have a heart attack. Mostly with AT&T customers who have just had their tenth straight call get dropped.

House Speaker John Boehner now says there is no immediate debt crisis. Which means just give Congress a few more days and there will be.

Police say an Arkansas man faked a mugging to try to impress his date. If he really wanted to impress her, he would have just told her he wasn’t from Arkansas.

Police say an Arkansas man faked a mugging to try to impress his date. The good news is his sister says he didn’t need to do anything special to win her over.

Police say an Arkansas man faked a mugging to try to impress his date. If he wanted to go on a date and lose all his money, he should move to New York City.

The IRS says it regrets making a $60,000 training video parody of “Star Trek”. If they really wanted to make it realistic with IRS tactics, they would have based their training video on “24”.

A survey says that high school seniors are more concerned with tuition loan debt than getting into the college of their choice. Mostly because if their SAT scores are any indication, it is going to take them fifteen years to get their degree.

Creditors of Stockton, California are disputing the city’s insolvency at a bankruptcy trial. The city’s defense is “Have you taken a look at Stockton?”

T-Mobile will drop its two year contracts and will instead sell phones full price on installment plans. As opposed to AT&T where they give you the phone and laugh while you actually try to complete any calls.

T-Mobile will drop its two year contracts and will instead sell phones full price on installment plans. It’s the first time anyone will have bought an Android on time since Han Solo picked up R2-D2 and had to take a second on the Millennium Falcon.

Sales of fizzy soft drinks have fallen to the lowest level since 1996. Which is good news since apparently we were drinking so much soda, it was the CO2 escaping from cans of Coke that was causing all the global warming.

Sales of fizzy soft drinks have fallen to the lowest level since 1996. Sales haven’t been so flat since Americans actually had bellies that were flat.

Tiger Woods won the Arnold Palmer Invitational for the eighth time, putting him back at #1 in the world for the first time since 2010. Apparently it is his short game that got him back. He can finally look at a 9 iron again without turning to run in fear.

A report says that the odds of an IRS audit with an income of more than $1 Million a year are 12%. The other 88% making a million a year have better accountants who show a net loss for the year.

A report says that Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will back a push for immigration reform. Which means he is planning to build an addition to his house soon.

A study says that smoking marijuana may lead to nicotine addiction. How bad is tobacco’s image that there are now warnings that using pot can lead to smoking cigarettes?

A study says that smoking marijuana may lead to nicotine addiction. The only question is what is worse, getting high and smoking cigarettes or eating four pizzas by yourself?

A study says that drinking coffee may protect the liver of people who drink alcohol. Except for the people who drink coffee so they can stay awake and drink longer.

Researchers will collect toenails from residents of a New Jersey town to check for exposure to toxins. If they really want to check people for exposure to toxins, how about the researchers who have to handle toenail clippings from New Jersey?

Researchers will collect toenails from residents of a New Jersey town to check for exposure to toxins. That’s not even including the amount of toenail polish used by the average woman in New Jersey.

A Canadian man had a knife removed from his back three years after being stabbed. How fat have you gotten when you can’t even see a knife handle sticking out of your back in the mirror?

A Canadian man had a knife removed from his back three years after being stabbed. Although he will miss having a place to hang his jacket without trying to remember where he left it.

A study says the Herpes virus may be tied to memory loss. Especially when your wife finds out you have Herpes and wants to know when and where you got it.

Bill Gates is offering $100,000 for what he calls the “next generation condom”. Ironically,  if it works the way it is supposed to, there won’t even be a next generation.

Bill Gates is offering $100,000 for what he calls the “next generation condom”. As opposed to the one that Gates still carries around in his wallet since 1972.

A study says that social isolation may raise the risk of death in the elderly. Apparently seniors need to have contact with other people, and that yelling at kids to get off their lawn just isn’t enough.

Researchers say a single breath test may diagnose heart failure. Especially when the breath test is given to a drunk driver who has fifty pounds of marijuana sitting in the trunk.

Researchers say a single breath test may diagnose heart failure. Usually when the person can’t even breathe hard enough to make the needle on the breathalyzer move.

Daniel Day-Lewis says he felt a great loss after the final death scene in “Lincoln”. Mostly since it was the final scene in the movie and his paychecks ended after that.

Reality show star Jesse James has gotten married for the fourth time, to drag racer Alexis DeJoria. His romances seem a lot like drag races. Fueled by alcohol, a high speed start and done in six seconds.

A report says that Matt Lauer nearly left the “Today” show for ABC. Apparently the word got out that NBC was planning to replace him with Jay Leno.

A source says that Ryan Seacrest’s hesitation to get engaged caused his split with Julianne Hough. And the fact that she is a woman.

A source says that Ryan Seacrest’s hesitation to get engaged caused his split with Julianne Hough. That and when he found out she was getting into his makeup cabinet.

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer is being probed for witness tampering. Apparently authorities knew the witness was influenced when they testified Lohan was sober and acting rationally.

Census Bureau data says that people go where the money and jobs are. Which is why we don’t need to worry about immigration reform in the U.S. anymore.

Census Bureau data says that people go where the money and jobs are. Which finally explains why people actually still live in North Dakota.

Federal lawyers are warning employees not to gamble on March Madness while at work. Of course, their warning stopped just short of actually asking federal employees to do some work while on the job.

A report says that George W. Bush was the most expensive former president for taxpayers in 2012. And that doesn’t even include still paying for Iraq, Afghanistan and the mortgage meltdown.

A report says that George W. Bush was the most expensive former president for taxpayers in 2012. Mostly having to buy all those Dr. Seuss books to fill up the space in his Presidential Library.

A Las Vegas lawmaker has introduced a bill that would allow people to bet on the outcome of federal elections. Putting money down on an election in order to get rich on the outcome? That was already thought of years ago by the Koch brothers.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad you like the jokes. Or at least read them. I never ask for anything from you, either than to keep the profanity out of your comments. However, I would really appreciate any donations to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give whatever you can. You send them the money, I send you the love!

No comments: