Sunday, March 24, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Jay Leno continues to bash NBC executives after they have once again decided to replace him on the “Tonight Show”. It is the most contentious regime change since the U.S. went into Iraq.

Britons are facing a natural gas shortage due to a record cold snap. Brits are so cold that their teeth would be chattering if they had any.

Colorado has repealed a 19th century law making adultery illegal. The state just passed strict gun control and now is allowing the reason most people use their guns in the first place.

Colorado has repealed a 19th century law making adultery illegal. It’s good to see lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have found an issue they can agree on.

The IRS is being criticized for making a $60,000 training video that parodies “Star Trek”. Apparently it instructs IRS agents to set all audits to “stun”.

A British food expert says that salads are more dangerous to eat than burgers. People were shocked. The Brits have food experts?

A British food expert says that salads are more dangerous to eat than burgers. In the U.S., people were confused by the finding. What’s a salad?

An analysis says that residents of U.S. suburbs have seen their poverty rate go up 64% from 2000-2011. That’s what happens when foreclosure, bankruptcy and living beyond your means are seen as a status symbol.

An analysis says that residents of U.S. suburbs have seen their poverty rate go up 64% from 2000-2011. Who says that we can’t achieve economic equality across the board?

Cyprus is considering a 25% tax on all large bank accounts. Bank executives are outraged. They thought of it first.

Cyprus is considering a 25% tax on all large bank accounts. People are furious. If they wanted to lose all their money through the banks they would have taken out a subprime mortgage.

A Huffington Post writer is looking for people who claim to have had sex with an alien. He should start by talking to Dennis Rodman’s mother.

An economic group says that China is poised to overtake the U.S. as the world’s biggest economy by 2016. With every other country passing us by 2017.

An economic group says that China is poised to overtake the U.S. as the world’s biggest economy by 2016. All they have to do is just sit there and wait for us to pass them on our way down.

A GOP lawmaker is seeking a “virtual Congress” through a telecommuting plan. It would mean that members of Congress wouldn’t need to actually show up at the Capitol Building. Don’t we pretty much already have that?

A GOP lawmaker is seeking a “virtual Congress” through a telecommuting plan. Apparently members of Congress feel it’s a waste of time to get all dressed up and come in to the office to end up getting nothing accomplished.

Apple is planning an iPhone that always lands on its “feet” when dropped so its screen won’t be shattered. Apparently they are working off an idea submitted them by Naomi Campbell who keeps breaking her phones when they bounce off her assistants’ heads.

The Senate has passed a budget calling for $1 Trillion in tax increases. They immediately passed another budget calling for increasing spending by $2 Trillion.

The Senate has passed a budget calling for $1 Trillion in tax increases. Congress passing a budget is like the Raiders approving the NFL rule book.

The Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris has installed new bells for the first time since the 19th century. Apparently they finally figured out that using ropes that were too short could cause back problems for their bell ringers.

A poll says that most Americans are ignoring the banking crisis in Cyprus. Mostly because they are all saying “Been there.”

A consultant says that Wall Street bonuses will go up 15% this year. To which Wall Street executives are saying “We’ll see your 15% and raise you 20%.”

A consultant says that Wall Street bonuses will go up 15% this year. Apparently that will be a reward for only taking half the government bailout money they needed last year.

The FAA will close 149 airport control towers next month as part of the sequestration. Which just finally gives JetBlue pilots a real reason to sit on the tarmac for days at a time.

The FAA will close 149 airport control towers next month as part of the sequestration. Which means the Air Traffic Controllers will just have to figure out how to get in all their nap time while they are sitting at home.

A study by auto research firms shows that younger car buyers are moving towards South Korean and American cars. Apparently they are attracted to American cars because of the stories their grandparents tell of when people used to actually buy domestic autos.

Data says that while the recession is fading, student debt is getting worse. It’s getting so bad that universities are offering degrees in Permanent Unemployment.

A report says that vasectomies increase during March Madness. Mostly when women realize they don’t want any more kids to take care of while their husbands sit around watching sports on TV all day.

Seattle will become the first city to fund research as to what causes gun violence. For one thing it could be all those people with guns who drink ten cups of Seattle coffee every morning.

Music is being used to treat people with dementia. However, people who have dementia are happy in that they immediately are able to forget any Justin Bieber music they listen to.

A study says that even a little marijuana use can increase the risk of dropping out of college. Mostly because students who are getting high realize they don’t need a degree to get their dream job at Domino’s Pizza or Mrs. Fields Cookies.

A Michigan woman has been diagnosed with a bone disease caused by her 150 teabag a day habit. Up to now people thought the only diseases associated with teabaggers were mental issues.

A Michigan woman has been diagnosed with a bone disease caused by her 150 teabag a day habit. Doctors were confused. Anyone drinking that much tea should be seeing their kidneys go first.

A study says that most people who have knee replacement surgery are able to return to work. Mostly because after the surgery they are able to get on their knees to grovel to their bosses to get their job back.

A study says that chronic asthma may be caused by traffic congestion. Mostly from people constantly being out of breath from screaming at everyone cutting them off.

A poll says that Americans are still clueless about health reform three years after it passed. Mostly because the legislators who passed it have no idea what it actually does.

A poll says that Americans are still clueless about health reform three years after it passed. All they need to know is that it is similar to the old health care system in that if you get sick, you go bankrupt.

A gym in Chicago is offering memberships only to people who are at least 50 pounds overweight. Although the policy is being called discriminatory by the three people in Illinois who actually aren’t overweight.

A gym in Chicago is offering memberships only to people who are at least 50 pounds overweight. So that means if you are 45 pounds overweight you actually have to get fatter to be able to join the gym and get in shape.

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says that there will be no charges brought in her assault case in New York City. Apparently the judge feels the three hours she has already spent in jail in California on various charges is punishment enough.

Former New York Knick Bud Palmer, credited with being an NBA jump shot pioneer has died at age 91. The cause of death was that he just faded away.

Saturday Night Live’s Seth Meyers is being rumored as replacing Jimmy Fallon when he goes to the “Tonight Show”. Meyers was also named to replace Fallon on “Tonight” when he gets unceremoniously dumped by NBC executives in 2021.

CBS has bought half of the TV Guide Network. Mostly because more people actually watch TV Guide to see what is on the other channels than watch what is on CBS.

Cleveland Browns running back Trent Richardson has been named in a civil suit accusing him of verbal and physical abuse. Apparently he was tired of all the verbal and physical abuse he has to take being on the Cleveland Browns.

The U.S. soccer team beat Costa Rica in a snowstorm in Denver. Apparently the conditions were even worse than they would normally have been since the grounds crew was required to remove the snow without using their hands.

School districts that are pressed for money are allowing students to bring their own technology to class. Apparently they are just giving up on making students work to find ways to cheat on their tests.

The Senate has passed a bill that will allow states to tax the Internet. Once the states figure out how to tax using porn sites, their budget deficits will disappear overnight.

Comcast is banning any commercials for guns or ammunition on their cable channels. Which pretty much takes away all the ads for “Honey Boo Boo”, “Duck Dynasty” and “Moonshiners”.

Comcast is banning any commercials for guns or ammunition on their cable channels. Mostly because after watching enough reality shows, people are inclined to buy guns to shoot their TV sets.

The Weather Channel is exploring a “rogue planet” doomsday scenario. Apparently they aren’t scaring enough people anymore just talking about global warming.

An analysis says that how poll questions are asked can skew results about climate change. Apparently people are less inclined to believe in global warming if the words “Al Gore” are used in the question.

Lawmakers in West Virginia are already seeking to ban Google glasses while driving. Apparently the glasses can distract people’s view while they are busy texting.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I appreciate your reading my blog, even at the risk of becoming physically ill while doing so. What better way to feel better than donating money to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen? Just click on the Great Strides icon on the page and give whatever you can. If you send the money, I will send the love!

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