Thursday, March 21, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


President Obama made his pick of the Final Four. That is, the four countries that are still friendly to the U.S.

Harrison Ford says that “accidents are going to happen” because of airport control towers being closed due to the sequester. Although he admits he doesn’t foresee any disasters as big as “Six Days Seven Nights”.

Harrison Ford says that “accidents are going to happen” because of airport control towers being closed due to the sequester. Although there is a bigger chance of an accident every time the 70 year old actor drives himself to the airport.

A new book says that France is becoming a “savage” nation. In other words, they are becoming more refined.

A technical glitch caused Chase Bank customers to see their accounts showing a balance of zero. Apparently the bank’s computers were just forecasting the inevitable.

NASA’s advice to people as to what to do if an asteroid is headed toward Earth is “pray”. Which is exactly the same thing they tell all their astronauts as soon as the countdown begins.

A former dancer says the Bolshoi ballet was “a giant brothel” with dancers used as prostitutes to attract wealthy patrons. In fact, the only people the ballerinas knew they wouldn’t have to sleep with were the male dancers.

A study says that comfort foods can actually worsen people’s moods. Mostly after they finish eating them and look in the mirror.

The U.S. is still paying survivor benefits to the families of Civil War veterans. Some people think that is wrong. John McCain makes enough already from his Senate salary.

The Arizona State Senate has voted to allow teachers to carry guns to school. And kids used to think that a Catholic school nun with a ruler used to be scary.

Dennis Rodman claims that North Korean leader Kim Jung Un has a previously undisclosed child. Now it’s becoming a little more clear why the dictator is such a fan of the NBA.

Chinese officials say they have found as many as 14,000 dead pigs from a river near Shanghai. It is considered the biggest porcine water disaster since the Bay of Pigs.

A bowl that was bought at a yard sale in New York for $3 was auctioned for $2.2 Million when it was discovered to be a 1,000 year old Chinese antique. Which means if you hang on to all the stuff you buy at Wal-Mart, one day you could strike it rich.

The National Academy of Science put out a 395 page report on how the U.S. can cut its gasoline use in half by 2030. One way is to quit wasting energy printing out 395 page reports.

The National Academy of Science put out a 395 page report on how the U.S. can cut its gasoline use in half by 2030. One way is to just let the oil companies keep charging as much as they want at the pump.

The Federal Reserve says it sees a slow economic recovery that will last for years. It makes you wonder why the Fed is always so reserved.

The Federal Reserve says it sees a slow economic recovery that will last for years. Apparently there is no sense in doing something that will put everyone back to work at the same time.

A study says that men’s falling income can be attributed to the increase in single parent households. Mostly because so many men are paying half of their income to all the single moms they divorced.

A poll says that 74% of Americans say that now is a bad time to find a quality job. Mostly because they feel it’s just too much of a pain to pack up and leave the U.S.

A poll says that 74% of Americans say that now is a bad time to find a quality job. Quality job meaning a job.

A poll says that 74% of Americans say that now is a bad time to find a quality job. The other 26% say it’s a great time to find a quality job. It’s just too bad there aren’t any around.

A study says that one child goes to the ER every eight minutes for taking the wrong medicine. Doctors say that parents need to do a much better job in hiding their stash.

A study says that one child goes to the ER every eight minutes for taking the wrong medicine. Medical experts are shocked. Who has health insurance and can afford to have medications in the house anymore?

The UK public approves of an in vitro fertilization process that creates babies from the DNA of three people. Apparently they use the parents’ DNA for everything but the teeth which they can take from just about anyone to get better results.

A study says that sugary drinks are linked to the deaths of 180,000 people world wide each year. However, it is estimated that 4 Million people die each year from drinking bad water so maybe we should be sending Third World countries cases of Coke.

A study says that sugary drinks are linked to the deaths of 180,000 people world wide each year. It’s getting so bad that Kool-Aid Man is on the most wanted list in 32 countries.

A Pennsylvania high school is asking students not to wear Axe body spray because of a reaction suffered by a student. You know you have sprayed on a bit too much when people in the same hallway are passing out from the fumes.

Lady Gaga is reportedly “doing wonderful” after undergoing hip surgery. Apparently even a trendsetter like Gaga is concerned about whether she is still hip enough.

Lady Gaga is reportedly “doing wonderful” after undergoing hip surgery. Apparently several dogs bit her on the hip while she was out taking a walk while still wearing her meat dress.

Rapper Too Short was arrested in Hollywood. Apparently even being Too Short couldn’t keep him away from the long arm of the law.

Rapper Too Short was arrested in Hollywood. Whatever happened to cool rapper street names like “Bonecrusher”, “Notorious B.I.G. and “Outkast”?

The Octomom is being investigated for possible welfare fraud after taking state aid while making $200,000 last year. If nothing else, the state should be happy to be supplying her with free birth control.

The Octomom is being investigated for possible welfare fraud after taking state aid while making $200,000 last year. Apparently it’s not that cheap to raise 14 kids anymore.

Bobby Brown will begin a 55 day jail sentence for DUI. The sentimental singer has asked for the same cell where Whitney Houston bailed him out for the first time.

Ryan Gosling says he will be taking a break from acting. Hollywood insiders are shocked. Ryan Gosling can act?

70 year old Harrison Ford says “it’s happening” to a rumored return to “Star Wars”. Not to say Ford is getting a bit old, but he now turns his light saber on and off with The Clapper.

“Deep Throat” star Harry Reems has died at age 65. The film was so notorious it actually led to a nickname closely related to one of our presidents. Bill Clinton.

Jimmy Fallon will reportedly host “The Tonight Show” in New York starting next year. Which means he will be somewhere on basic cable with Jay Leno back on “Tonight” by 2015.

Researchers say a 13th century sundial found in Egypt may be one of the world’s oldest. Apparently they can tell it is old because it is analogue and not digital.

Researchers say a 13th century sundial found in Egypt may be one of the world’s oldest. Apparently they can tell it is old because it doesn’t automatically reset for Daylight Saving Time.

House Speaker John Boehner says he has no intention of being President. Apparently before he does that he should first work on learning how to get something done in Congress.

House Speaker John Boehner says he has no intention of being President. Which is one thing the electorate and he can finally agree on.

Congress is stepping up pressure on the TSA to keep knives off planes. If the TSA really wanted to protect the nation they would keep all pens away from Congress.

A survey says that low wage workers are gloomy about their future. Mostly because their future includes working at a low wage job.

A survey says that low wage workers are gloomy about their future. Mostly because in a low wage job, their past and present haven’t been all that great either.

Carnival Cruise Lines says the Triumph which was crippled by an engine fire will be out of service longer than expected. The question is, who really expected it to ever be back in service in the first place?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Spring is finally here, or at least it is supposed to be. As I write this I see snowflakes falling out my window. Lovely. But you can brighten my day and that of many people suffering from Cystic Fibrosis by donating to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give whatever you can. You send in the money, I’ll send you the love!

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