Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Cyprus is planning to tax all bank accounts as part of a bailout of the government. Taxing all the bank accounts in the U.S. could net as much as $8.42.

Hillary Clinton has endorsed same-sex marriage in what some people see as a move to run for President in 2016. Although ever since Monica Lewinsky, she has pretty much been a disciple of no-sex marriage.

The British government is considering regulators to oversee newspapers. The bad part is that the newspapers found out about it by seeing it on TV news reports.

Thousands of people lined up for hours at a gun show in California to try to buy ammunition. Who knew that gun control would actually turn lead into a precious metal?

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is moving to keep tobacco products out of sight in stores in another move to promote health in the city. Store owners are planning to hide the cigarettes behind displays of potato chips, doughnuts and candy bars.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is moving to keep tobacco products out of sight in stores. Now if he could only figure out a way to keep Donald Trump hidden away.

A study says that a breathalyzer test may be used to detect stress. Of course, a person is under the most stress when they get pulled over by police and have to take a breath test.

Scientists in Australia brought an extinct frog species back to life. The question is, are there really not enough frogs around already that scientists can’t find something else to do?

House Speaker John Boehner says he “absolutely” trusts President Obama. Except when the President says he was born in the U.S., is not  Muslim and is a capitalist.

House Speaker John Boehner says he “absolutely” trusts President Obama. Which now has Obama questioning himself.

House Speaker John Boehner says he “absolutely” trusts President Obama. It’s the President’s staff, advisers, Cabinet, writers, and inner circle he has a problem with.

House Speaker John Boehner says he “absolutely” trusts President Obama. Which means that nobody can now trust Boehner when he says anything.

Experts say that food may contribute to angry, violent behavior. Just see what happens when you try to take a plate of nachos away from a group of men watching a football game.

Gerard Depardieu is denying he left France because of high taxes. He more than likely left because of all the French people there.

China has passed the UK as the world’s fifth largest arms exporter. Apparently their plan for taking over the world is to make sure all the other countries’ armies are using cheap made in China guns.

Lindsay Lohan has accepted a plea deal that includes locked rehab, community service and psychotherapy. To which other celebrities are asking “Who did she kill?”

Lindsay Lohan has accepted a plea deal that includes locked rehab, community service and psychotherapy. The judge told her she would definitely be going to jail if she violates her probation just 220 more times.

A Scottish bagpipes school is warning pipers to clean their instruments in the wake of a noted piper catching a near deadly lung infection. Or as music lovers call that, poetic justice.

Atheists are feuding over some who are adopting Lent into their life. Apparently after forfeiting any chance at eternal life, giving up something for 40 days should be a snap.

California is moving to speed up the process for filing for business. Apparently they want to make sure all the paper work is done before the businesses need to file for bankruptcy.

A report says that one in three consumers have stopped reading or watching a news source because of reduced news coverage. Apparently they have gone over to Fox News and talk radio where news was given up on years ago.

A report says that one in three consumers have stopped reading or watching a news source because of reduced news coverage. The other two keep changing the channel and radio dial hoping they can some day actually find some real news coverage.

A survey says that nearly half of all Americans have more credit card debt than savings. Mostly because when they use their credit card to buy something on sale, they think they are actually saving money.

A survey says that nearly half of all Americans have more credit card debt than savings. The other half has absolutely no savings.

A survey says that nearly half of all Americans have more credit card debt than savings. The other half are childless.

Students are telling all their secrets on new anonymous “confession” pages on Facebook. Meanwhile, adults pretty much tell all their secrets to everyone else on Facebook.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and the state legislature have reportedly reached a deal to raise the minimum wage to $9 an hour. Which means someone living in Manhattan who works 24/7 may now be able to afford to be homeless.

Disney theme parks will now require anyone under 14 to be accompanied by someone 14 or older. The question is, how is someone under 14 going to have enough money to buy a ticket to get into a Disney theme park in the first place?

Coca-Cola says it will be adding fizz and flavoring to its Glaceu Water products. Isn’t that pretty much turning it into Coke?

A California company is touting a smartphone compatible breathalyzer. Although fewer accidents are caused by drunks than people using their smartphones while driving.

A burglar in Michigan returned $800 they say they stole in a burglary from a business back in the 1980s. The problem is giving the money back to the owner since police can’t find any businesses in Michigan still around from the 1980s.

Tiger Woods and skier Lindsey Vonn have announced they are dating. Apparently Tiger feels he has a better chance against a woman with a ski pole than a 9 iron any day.

Tiger Woods and skier Lindsey Vonn have announced they are dating. The only question for Tiger is can an Escalade outrun someone on skis?

A group of neurologists says that the current ratings system of concussions should be changed from a simple 1-2-3. Apparently it should categorize more severe injuries, as in 1-2-3-Terry Bradshaw.

Selena Gomez says she made Justin Bieber cry. Apparently she accidentally ran out of diapers.

Michael Jordan’s paternity case was dropped by the woman who filed the suit. Apparently it was all about the money. The kid was hoping he would get the label Heir Jordan.

An oddsmaker says that he is taking bets at 4 to 1 that Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn will be engaged by 2015. Apparently some people think that Vonn is looking for ways to go downhill even faster.

The CEO of Blackberry says that the Apple iPhone is outdated. Which is like a guy with an abacus saying those computer things will never catch on.

The CEO of Blackberry says that the Apple iPhone is outdated. The last time the Blackberry was more relevant than the iPhone was the day before the iPhone was introduced.

A study says that birds are evolving to be able to dodge cars. Apparently other birds are still wishing for magical powers, like say the ability to be able to just fly over the cars.

Researchers say that fossils show that inbreeding may have been common with early humans. At least all the fossils that have been found in Arkansas.

A Japanese company has announced a system that measures a person’s pulse in five seconds by pointing a smartphone at the person’s face. Or, they could just take the person’s pulse.

A Japanese company has announced a system that measures a person’s pulse in five seconds by pointing a smartphone at the person’s face. The way to raise that person’s pulse is to give them a smartphone serviced by AT&T and see them try to complete a call.

Scientists say that good news can speed around on social networks faster than bad news. Unless the bad news is happening to you.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here is my daily pitch to get you to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give what you can. You send them the money, and you are sending me the love!

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