Sunday, March 17, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Producer Mark Burnett says “weird things” happened on the set of the five part History Channel miniseries “The Bible”. Although not as weird as anything that happens on the set of a Tom Cruise movie.

Producer Mark Burnett says “weird things” happened on the set of the five part History Channel miniseries “The Bible”. Although if you really want to see weird things going on behind the scenes of a cable TV show, just watch C-SPAN.

A report says that Matt Lauer is up for the next host of “Jeopardy!” The rumor started to spread after Lauer started asking all his interview guests on “Today” to answer in the form of a question.

A report says that Matt Lauer is up for the next host of “Jeopardy!” Apparently the word got out when Lauer said pretty soon everyone will be asking “Where in the world is Alex Trebek?”

A Connecticut man is planning to visit all 788 of his Facebook friends in person. There haven’t been that many personal meetings arranged from a website since Myspace.

Connecticut lawmakers are considering allowing beer to be sold in juice pouches. Apparently, that way when people get too drunk they can just have their three year old open the next round for them.

Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger says he sees little hope for Mideast peace. Political experts were shocked. Henry Kissinger is still alive?

Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger says he sees little hope for Mideast peace. Which still makes him the most optimistic person in the world.

A 9 year old Chicago boy has been charged in a carjacking as well as an armed robbery at a McDonald’s. Which in the Chicago school system means he gets advanced all the way from third to fifth grade.

A 9 year old Chicago boy has been charged in a carjacking as well as an armed robbery at a McDonald’s. Apparently he used a Super Soaker to get away without paying for his Happy Meal.

A Maryland man has died from rabies he contracted from a kidney transplant. That’s the last time that hospital will ever use a raccoon for an organ donor.

A study says that men who prefer bigger breasts tend to be sexist. They also tend to be men.

Mitt Romney spoke at the CPAC and said the Republican Party needs to learn from his mistakes. Otherwise known as his presidential campaign.

Mitt Romney spoke at the CPAC and said the Republican Party needs to learn from his mistakes. Namely being caught on tape saying what you really think.

An NBC executive and Jay Leno reportedly had a clash over jokes Leno told about NBC’s poor ratings. The real question is, why is that executive still working there?

An NBC executive and Jay Leno reportedly had a clash over jokes Leno told about NBC’s poor ratings. Apparently the executive wanted to get paid for handing Leno so much monologue material.

Four people were injured when a large LED display screen fell over during a music festival in Miami. Even all these years later, moms were right in saying not to sit too close to the TV.

Chinese researchers are showing a Panda pornography in order to get Pandas to mate. The question is, who is out there making Panda pornography and why?

Chinese researchers are showing a Panda pornography in order to get Pandas to mate. Apparently it was available at Blockbuster under “Worst DVD ever”.

Pope Francis I describes his wish for a “Poor Church for the poor.” Apparently he wants to have a separate building so the rich Catholics don’t have to look at all the indigents who show up.

Pope Francis I describes his wish for a “Poor Church for the poor.” The way the Church is handing out large settlements because of Cardinal Mahony, the Pope may get his wish pretty soon.

A dog bound for Phoenix on United Airlines ended up instead on a flight to Ireland. Apparently the dog’s ticket accidentally said “Irish settler”.

BP is launching an appeal against “fictitious” oil spill claims. Apparently the company’s defense is that the Gulf Oil Spill never happened.

Two Southwest Airlines planes touched wings on a runway in Detroit. Apparently the pilots just needed an excuse to get back to the airline’s VIP lounge to finish their drinks.

Two Southwest Airlines planes touched wings on a runway in Detroit. The worst part is that the cockpit transcripts show that when it happened the pilots both yelled out “high five!”

New Jersey will allow casinos to accept bets on fantasy teams. Although anyone who really wants to make a fantasy sports bet will pick the Cubs to win the World Series.

A nonpartisan group says the Ryan budget plan would benefit the very wealthy. Republicans say that is not true. It will also help the somewhat and newly wealthy.

Animal rights activists are upset that a shark died on the set of the filming for a K-Mart commercial. Lawyers are already representing the shark’s estate pro bono out of professional courtesy.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg is the nation’s highest rated CEO. Mostly for telling his employees not to invest any of their 401K funds into Facebook stock.

Carnival Cruise Lines says after two recent mishaps it will spend double on repairs for next year. Of course, anyone doing the math on that knows that two times nothing is still nothing.

The CEO of Carl’s Jr. says the restaurant will keep its menu “indulgent and decadent.” Although just see how far you get when you promise your wife a night of indulgent decadence and try to take her to Carl’s Jr.

A report says two of the fastest growing states for wine exporting are Florida and New Jersey. Apparently one reason for the increase in demand is that there is so much less of a chance of breakage in shipping when the wine comes in boxes.

A study says that nearly 70% of Americans 18-64 say they drive while talking on their cellphone, while 30% admit to texting while driving. There you go. We are now fully at 100% distracted drivers on the highway.

A study says that nearly 70% of Americans 18-64 say they drive while talking on their cellphone, while 30% admit to texting while driving. The worst part is that everyone taking part in the study admitted to taking the phone survey while driving.

A study says that nearly 70% of Americans 18-64 say they drive while talking on their cellphone, while 30% admit to texting while driving. The question is, who does someone 64 years old need to be talking to while they are driving?

A study says that green tea and coffee may reduce the risk of having a stroke by 20%. Until the person gets their monthly bill for coffee and green tea from Starbucks.

A report says that almost half of first babies in the U.S. are born to unwed mothers. Or as it is now referred to, auditioning for “Teen Mom”.

A report says that almost half of first babies in the U.S. are born to unwed mothers. Mostly because Kevin Federline only believes in being married to one woman at a time.

A study says that changing the appearance of the nose and chin at the same time may provide the best results to correct a profile. Or as Cher calls that, the 40,000 mile tune up.

A study says that depression in kids may be tied to later heart risk from being sedentary, smoking and being obese. Which means if they weren’t depressed before, just have them take a look at the study.

A study says that depression in kids may be tied to later heart risk from being sedentary, smoking and being obese. Ironically the only thing that makes them happy is sitting around while smoking and eating junk food.

Oprah Winfrey was named as the most influential celebrity for the second year in a row, even though her show ended in 2011. To show how influential she is, she was selected Pope before Francis I but turned it down because she considered it a demotion.

A report says that Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough have broken up. Apparently she was notified with a text message that said “Seacrest out!”

A producer for “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” testified that parts of the series were staged. People were shocked. Kim Kardashian can act?

A producer for “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” testified that parts of the series were staged. Especially the parts where mom Kris Jenner says that she isn’t all about the money.

Intel has offered a snapshot of an average minute on the Internet which says that 204 Million e-mails are sent, along with 100,000 tweets and 6 Million Facebook views. And that’s just from people sitting in their office saying how much they hate their job.

Intel has offered a snapshot of an average minute on the Internet which says that 204 Million e-mails are sent, along with 100,000 tweets and 6 Million Facebook views. And that’s just about the latest Youtube video of a cat playing the piano.

The Internet is back up in North Korea after a 36 hour outage. It serves them right for picking AOL as their service provider.

The Internet is back up in North Korea after a 36 hour outage. People there were relieved to be able to once again look at the five available government approved websites.

A study says that sex in space could be dangerous. Especially if you are traveling on a mission with Lisa Nowak.

Maryland has voted to ban the death penalty. Which is big news to every murderer in the state not named Ray Lewis.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have to say that I think this is the best blog I have done in awhile. Some days the news stories are just funnier than others. I hope you enjoy the jokes and I appreciate all of you reading them. This is a labor of love for me, and I have to say my real enjoyment has come from all of you who have donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in memory of my wife, Karen. The best way any of you can show the love is to click on the Great Strides icon and donate whatever you can to help find a cure for this terrible affliction. Open your hearts and your wallets and I will be the one sending the love!

No comments: