Friday, March 15, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Parents are blasting a New York State database that collects private student information including test scores, learning disabilities and attendance. Isn’t that pretty much called a “report card”?

“American Idol” judge Nicki Minaj was twenty minutes late to a live showing, claiming she was stuck in traffic. Everyone in L.A. knows that when you have to be somewhere on Wednesday at 8, leave at 5 O’clock Tuesday.

“American Idol” judge Nicki Minaj was twenty minutes late to a live showing. Apparently she didn’t allow for time to get ready, traffic and the correct time zone.

Brown University is holding an event to teach men how to pleasure their prostate. Which is pretty much the same sensation they get when they get their tuition bill.

A railroad station elevator in New York was left inoperable because urination has damaged the floor. It’s so bad it has been described as a “vertical urinal”. That is compared to the subways, which are considered horizontal urinals.

The Carnival Dream cruise ship is reporting power issues that have caused toilet problems on board. Of course the biggest toilet problem on board is actually the 24 hour buffet line.

The Carnival Dream cruise ship is reporting power issues that have caused toilet problems on board. This comes just weeks after a fire disabled the Carnival Triumph. The cruise line is just going to beat the media to it next time and name their next ship the Carnival Disaster.

The Carnival Dream cruise ship is reporting power issues that have caused toilet problems on board. Apparently Carnival relies for customers on the percentage of people who never watch the news.

Greek unemployment has reached a record 26%. Economists were shocked. How did 74% of the people in Greece find jobs?

Rand Paul says the GOP is “stale and moss covered.” And everyone thought the green tint to John McCain was just him getting an early start on St. Patrick’s Day.

A rare brain conditions has caused a Serbian woman to see everything upside down. Which is the same sensation felt by everyone who took out a subprime home loan in 2005.

A U.S. General has put troops in Afghanistan on security alert after anti-American statement by President Hamid Karzai. Which soldier in Afghanistan isn’t already always on “security alert”?

Researchers say that a brain scan can reveal who a person is thinking about. Who needs a brain scan for that? If it’s a man, they are thinking about Jessica Alba.

Scientists say that some early birds had four winds. Apparently it was to help those early birds catch the worm.

House Speaker John Boehner says that election losses won’t change the party’s budget stance. Apparently neither will polls, economics and common sense.

House Speaker John Boehner says his party was beaten in November because of candidates and personalities, not because of proposals for Medicare and spending cuts. Unfortunately, those candidates and their personalities were also pushing for Medicare and spending cuts.

House Speaker John Boehner says his party was beaten in November because of candidates and personalities, not because of proposals for Medicare and spending cuts. Which is like saying attendance is down at Miami Marlins games because fans don’t like their uniforms.

The Vatican says Pope Francis I started his first official day as Pope with a prayer. How else is the Pope supposed to start the day?

The Vatican says Pope Francis I started his first official day as Pope with a prayer. He’s the Pope. Isn’t that what he pretty much does all day?

The U.S. has acknowledged releasing thousands of illegal immigrants from jail. Mostly because if they need to find them again all they have to do is go down to the nearest Home Depot.

Detroit has been appointed a new city financial manager. Economists were surprised. Detroit had one before?

Kevyn Orr has been appointed as Detroit’s new city financial manager. Orr helped with Chrysler’s bankruptcy restructuring. If people wanted to live in a city that is run like Chrysler, they would move to Washington, D.C.

The Supreme Court has once again said no to TV cameras in the courtroom. Apparently they are worried they will pull lower ratings than that channel that just shows logs burning in a fireplace all day.

The NFL has been warned about asking players about their sexual orientation. What they need to start asking about are players’ criminal orientation.

The Auto Club of Southern California says a 1st time DUI costs an average of $16,000. Of course, that was just for Lindsay Lohan and included the cost of her courtroom wardrobe.

A California state legislator from San Francisco wants to extend closing time at bars to 4:00 AM. Apparently it will help the economy by providing more income for bars, dry cleaners and DUI lawyers.

A survey says that 41% of Wall Street workers want out of their jobs because of lower bonuses. The other 59% want to keep their jobs because they know if they did what they do in any other business they would be sitting in jail.

A survey says that 41% of Wall Street workers want out of their jobs because of lower bonuses. The only problem is that the only places hiring right now are burger stands and not many jobs in that industry pay $250,000 a year.

An inventor in Thailand is selling the world’s most expensive coffee from elephant dung at $50 a cup. Even Starbucks had to congratulate him on coming up with a plan that rips of customers even more than they do.

An inventor in Thailand is selling the world’s most expensive coffee from elephant dung at $50 a cup. That is one barista who is never going to get a tip big enough to make the job worthwhile.

An inventor in Thailand is selling the world’s most expensive coffee from elephant dung at $50 a cup. Imagine a barista telling a customer from Congress that they have spent all day wading through elephant dung and the Congressman replying “Tell me about it.”

Taco Bell says its Doritos Tacos have created 15,000 jobs. Mostly exercise and fitness coaches to try to get the people to lose the weight from eating all those tacos.

Taco Bell says its Doritos Tacos have created 15,000 jobs. It’s nice to see proof that the job creators are not big businesses, but overweight and obese Americans.

McDonald’s is being sued by a parent who says their two year old child found and ate a condom in a PlayPlace. The good news is that the condom was actually not as bad for the child as eating a Big Mac.

McDonald’s is being sued by a parent who says their two year old child found and ate a condom in a PlayPlace. That must have been some date. What woman could resist the charms of a guy who takes them to McDonald’s for dinner and afterwards wants to have sex on the playground?

GM is planning to sell an entry level Corvette for $50,000. Since when is spending $50,000 on a car “entry level”? Unless you are just planning to enter into bankruptcy.

A study says that fewer patients are awake or aware while under anesthesia during surgery. Apparently the way to keep them under is to make sure to wait until they are in recovery to show them their hospital bill.

Government researchers say the U.S. is by far the worst for texting while driving. Mostly because European countries still communicate from behind the wheel with their middle fingers.

Government researchers say the U.S. is by far the worst for texting while driving. Mostly because the Chinese would take all day to send just one message trying to draw all those characters right.

A study says that one in seven mothers may suffer postpartum depression. The other six don’t feel it for 18 years when they get their child’s first college tuition bill.

Former Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has written a book about the financial crisis. It would have been nice if he would have shared some of his views and solutions with everyone else while it was actually going on.

Former Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has written a book about the financial crisis. Apparently he didn’t want to tell us all how to deal with it at the time because it would have spoiled the ending.

Supporters of Pope Francis I say at 76 his age will not be seen as a negative factor. Or as the other Cardinals all call someone who is 76, “Junior”.

President Obama says he fantasizes about walking around in other cities unnoticed, wearing a fake mustache. If he wants to go somewhere that he won’t be recognized or talked to, how about visiting the Capitol Building?

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he likes the idea of passing a budget every two years instead of every year. Which is a pretty good idea coming from someone who hasn’t passed a budget in the past four years.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he likes the idea of passing a budget every two years instead of every year. Apparently he feels the deficit won’t seem so large to everyone when you tell them they have to divide it by two.

A study says the Iraq war has cost the U.S. more than $2 Trillion. However, it did give us some good ideas on how to be more effective when we invade Iran.

A study says the Iraq war has cost the U.S. more than $2 Trillion. If we knew it was going to result in $4 a gallon gas on top of everything else, we should have just given the $2 Trillion up front to the oil companies.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for the great response to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in memory of my wife Karen. For anyone donating, I will try to get a personal blessing from Francis I. If that doesn’t work, I’ll give you a shout out here. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give what you can. I’ll be sure to send the love!

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