Thursday, March 14, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A new Pope has been elected, Francis I from Argentina. He is the most powerful Catholic ever named Francis other than Sinatra.

A new Pope has been elected, Francis I from Argentina. He has a history of working for the poor, which could really help the Church considering how much money they have already given away in lawsuits over priest molestations.

The Obama Administration drawing up plans to allow spy agencies to scan Americans’ finances. Ironically, the Obama economic policies have made it where most Americans don’t have any finances left to scan.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is urging a revival of Soviet era fitness tests for children. For American kids, going back to the 1950s for fitness is a good idea. In our case, the Cold War involves keeping kids away from the refrigerator.

The EU is proposing new rights for air passengers. To which Americans are saying “Passengers have rights?” 

The EU is proposing new rights for air passengers. U.S. Airlines say they would accept new rights for passengers as long as they can charge fees for each of them.

Snoop Dogg says he would like to get high with President Obama. Mostly because he would pretty much like to get high with just about anyone.

Snoop Dogg says he would like to get high with President Obama. Which is no surprise, seeing how he was obviously already high when he made that statement.

A poll says the global image of the U.S. has declined. Which will sometimes happen when your banks crash the entire world economy.

Lance Armstrong says that people will eventually forgive him like they did with Bill Clinton. Although at least when it came to drugs, Clinton didn’t inhale.

A 12 year old Michigan girl brought $20,000 in cash to her school and started giving it away to her friends. Apparently the government bailouts in Michigan didn’t stop with GM.

Factory employees in the U.S. in February averaged the longest work weeks since 1944. Production workers averaged 41.9 hours a week, or as six year old Nike workers  call that, swing shift.

Factory employees in the U.S. in February averaged the longest work weeks since 1944. The only bad part is that most of them are still being paid in 1944 wages.

Some veterinarians are claiming that their prices will go up because of Obamacare. Apparently taxes will affect the cost of their equipment. However, when is the last time a vet has had an insurance increase because a Chihuahua sued them for malpractice?

The University of Colorado has hired its first visiting scholar of conservative thought. Isn’t “scholar of conservative thought” pretty much an oxymoron?

The University of Colorado has hired its first visiting scholar of conservative thought. Now if only the Tea Party could find someone like that they might end up with a few ideas that people will actually take seriously.

Pope Francis I sent his first Tweet, “Habeus Papam Franciscum.” His second Tweet was “OMG got a promotion today #awesome. BRB doing the Pope thing can u believe it LMAO. CU!”

Ben & Jerry’s is rewarding dissatisfied customers with tours of its factory. The only question is how grouchy do you have to be to become dissatisfied with ice cream?

Ben & Jerry’s is rewarding dissatisfied customers with tours of its factory. Nike is also considering factory tours as a way that parents can visit their kids.

Ben & Jerry’s is rewarding dissatisfied customers with tours of its factory. The part of the tour most people like is getting to meet the Oompa-Loompas.

A survey says that March Madness costs businesses $134 Million each year in “lost wages” from people watching games while at work. Imagine how much it would cost if any graduates from UNLV actually had jobs.

A survey says that March Madness costs businesses $134 Million each year in “lost wages” from people taking time off work. And that doesn’t even include all the office supplies stolen just to print out the brackets.

A survey says that March Madness costs businesses $134 Million each year in “lost wages” from people watching games while at work. Even new Pope Francis I says he isn’t doing a thing on the job until Notre Dame is eliminated.

A study says that fewer workers are tapping into their 401K accounts for temporary loans. Mostly because they completely cleaned them out already after losing their jobs and having their homes go into foreclosure.

A study says that fewer workers are tapping into their 401K accounts for temporary loans. Mostly because they don’t need as much money to get by now that they are living in their car and getting meals at the soup kitchen every night.

Levis is making jeans that use 20% of their material from recycled plastic bottles. Ironically, that means some people will actually be wearing some of the bottles of soft drinks that caused them to have to buy larger jeans in the first place.

Many celebrities are joining in the fight against animal tested cosmetics. Apparently they feel that companies can test by artificial means by giving their makeup to Cher.

The Dow has seen its longest winning streak since 1996. The market is doing so well, that people who wanted to retire in 1996 may actually be able to do it now.

A survey says that Lexus drivers are the happiest with their dealers. Although there may be some confusion as Snoop Dogg drives a Lexus and was quoted as saying he couldn’t get by without his dealer.


A study says that bacteria is spread wildly during roller derby games. And that is just among the people in the audience.

A high profile English bagpipes player was sickened with a fungus that grew in his instrument. In fact, he became almost as ill as someone who has to listen to several songs played on the bagpipes.

A study says that same sex marriage is linked to a longer life. Unless you are a gay couple living in Wyoming.

The Catholic Church has elected a new Pope, Francis I from Argentina. He had a lung removed when he was a child. When asked at the Conclave if he had a chance of being elected, he said he wasn’t holding his breath.

The Catholic Church has elected a new Pope, Francis I from Argentina. He had a lung removed when he was a child. Apparently electing him signals a move to attract younger members to the Church. For one thing, having only one lung means shorter sermons.

A study says that working people are more distracted by hearing people talk on cellphones than by hearing two people talk in person. Mostly because people on cellphones somehow feel the need to talk three times louder than they have to.

A study says that working people are more distracted by hearing people talk on cellphones than by hearing two people talk in person. Mostly because people talk so loudly on the phone they can hear them three offices down the hall.

Jon Cryer says that Angus T. Jones’ “Two and a Half Men” scandal was “minor”. Which isn’t entirely true since he criticized the show when he was 19 which would make him an adult.

The star of TV’s “Moonshiners” was arrested for public intoxication. Apparently his defense is that he was getting into character.

The star of TV’s “Moonshiners” was arrested for public intoxication. That’s when you know that some people are taking the reality TV thing a little too far.

LPGA golfer Natalie Gulbis had to pull out of a tournament with malaria. Apparently she wanted to make sure she didn’t catch the same amount of grief Rory McIlroy did by withdrawing from a tournament with something minor like a bad tooth.

LPGA golfer Natalie Gulbis had to pull out of a tournament with malaria. Apparently she took a job to make extra money in the off season working on the Panama Canal.

A study says that 25% of teenagers access the Internet with their smartphones. The other 75% don’t have their driver’s license yet and won’t need to use their phones for the Internet until they get behind the wheel.

A report of attack dolphins capable with killing people with guns and knives escaping from the Ukraine turned out to be fake. Apparently they are really porpoises.

Scientists have reportedly found a 600 year old coin in Kenya. Although conservative radio hosts are already jumping on the story saying the picture on the coin is that of President Obama.

A report says the average Senator raised $10.5 Million in campaign contributions in the 2012 election cycle. That works out to $14,000 each day. The real money doesn’t come into play until after they are elected and start to meet with the lobbyists.

A report says the average Senator raised $10.5 Million in campaign contributions in the 2012 election cycle. That works out to $14,000 each day. Well, now there is some money that is really well spent.

A report says the Hispanic population of Idaho has gone up 73% in the past decade. Which means the Hispanic population in Idaho is now 6.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Special thanks go out to Robert Klinesteker for his generous donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides walk. The more people donate, the faster we will be able to beat the illness that took my lovely wife Karen nearly two years ago. Thanks again, Robert. Today I am sending the love your way!

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