Sunday, March 10, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


John Brennan took the oath of office as head of the CIA on a copy of the Constitution that did not contain the Bill of Rights. Mostly because all copies of the Bill of Rights pretty much disappeared in Washington, D.C. during the Bush Administration.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says the government “probably” shouldn’t be able to force people to exercise. Mostly because with most Americans that would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

A report says that Brooke Shields is likely to join on as host on “The View”. Apparently Shields figures the other hosts are getting so old that she may actually be able to get in a word edgewise once in awhile.

Cupcakes brought to school by a Michigan 3rd grader were confiscated because they were decorated with plastic army men which the school felt were inappropriate. Ironically, the plastic toys were the healthiest part of the cupcakes.

A report says a man had 75% of his skull replaced with an implant made by a 3D printer. The hardest part was keeping him still while doctors jammed his head inside the office Xerox machine.

A report says a man had 75% of his skull replaced with an implant made by a 3D printer.  Apparently doctors got the idea after finding several buttocks replacements that had been left behind by their office staff.

NASA is warning that something unexpected is happening to the Sun. Scientists say that judging by their measurements, there is a very good chance there is some sort of global warming going on there.

Jobless statistics show that teenage unemployment is at 25%. Mostly because the other 75% of teens are playing video games all day and not looking for work.

Health officials are warning that large, hairy legged mosquitoes may be invading Florida this summer. In fact, the hairy legged insects are so large some people are confusing them with French women.

Eight Chicago school buses were stolen and shredded into scrap heaps. Apparently they were worth more being recycled than used for recycling kids through the Chicago school system.

More than 100 passengers on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship were stricken with the norovirus. Or as Carnival Cruise passengers call that, “an upgrade.”

Daylight Saving Time started over the weekend, which means we lost an hour of time. The good news is that losing one hour means we kept the federal government going about another trillion dollars in debt.

An Air India jet clipped a JetBlue airliner on the tarmac at JFK Airport. Apparently the Air India pilots were caught off guard when the JetBlue plane actually started to taxi toward one of the runways.

Los Angeles officials were disappointed that only 21% of voters turned out for the mayoral primary. They should just be glad the other 79% didn’t show up because there’s a good chance they would have written in Kim Kardashian.

A California man was arrested for trying to poison his girlfriend with Visine. Apparently he wanted to shoot her but was waiting until he could see the whites of her eyes.

A California man was arrested for trying to poison his girlfriend with Visine. The question is, if Visine is poisonous, should we really be putting it in our eyes?

Documents show that Richard Nixon was in favor of banning all handguns. Ironically he is the one who ended up shooting himself in the foot during Watergate.

Wrigley is launching caffeinated chewing gum. Apparently it is for people who are trying to quit coffee right after they are done chewing their nicotine gum to help them quit smoking.

Wrigley is launching caffeinated chewing gum. People are warned when you see someone chewing caffeinated gum inside a Starbucks, stay away so you don’t get hit by shrapnel when their head explodes.

Wrigley is launching caffeinated chewing gum. How lazy are we that we need a caffeine boost to give us the energy to keep chewing the gum?

A survey says that New York City is the most expensive place to get married. That’s just for the wedding itself. Actually, California is the most expensive place since it is a community property state and getting married there will cost half of what you own when you factor in the divorce.

A survey says that Alaska is the least expensive place to get married. Mostly because all the grooms end up getting cold feet.

The Wall Street Journal says the New York Stock Exchange is preparing a disaster backup plan. Aren’t they about six years too late?

The Wall Street Journal says the New York Stock Exchange is preparing a disaster backup plan. Which means that Facebook is planning another IPO.

A report says that colleges are struggling with the demand for mental health services. Mostly from students who are graduating, don’t have a job and realize they will be spending the rest of their lives trying to pay off their student loans.

A study says that injuries from dancing are up 37% in the past 17 years. And that is just from people smacking into each other while trying to do “The Harlem Shake”.

A study says that people with vision loss are more likely to be depressed. The only good thing helping them is that they can’t read how much their bills are every month from their psychiatrist.

Food bloggers are starting petitions to have Kraft drop the yellow dyes from their Macaroni & Cheese products. Apparently they feel they won’t have a problem eating them with their natural green tint.

Food bloggers are starting petitions to have Kraft drop the yellow dyes from their Macaroni & Cheese products. The only problem is that the dyes are the most nutritious part of the meal.

63 people became ill after eating at Nomo, the world’s top rated restaurant in Copenhagen. After recovering, the people said they would eat there no mo’.

63 people became ill after eating at Nomo, the world’s top rated restaurant in Copenhagen. What’s worse is that the people said they have felt better after actually eating a tin of Copenhagen.

63 people became ill after eating at Nomo, the world’s top rated restaurant in Copenhagen. Apparently after all these years they found out that there really is something rotten in Denmark.

63 people became ill after eating at Nomo, the world’s top rated restaurant in Copenhagen. Which is great news for Taco Bell, which is now claiming to be a five star establishment.

A new “red wine pill” which is similar to drinking 100 glasses a day is said to be able to cure some major diseases. Mostly liver damage from people who are drinking 100 glasses of wine a day.

A study says that 58% of sleepwalkers could become violent and injure themselves or their sleep partner. Mostly because they are mad about being awakened on their way to raid the refrigerator.

A study says that 58% of sleepwalkers could become violent and injure themselves or their sleep partner. The other 42% are more likely to be injured by their sleep partner’s husband when he comes home unexpectedly.

A study says that women wake up grumpier than men. Mostly because they weren’t able to sleep because the man they are with was snoring all night.

A study says that women wake up grumpier than men. Mostly after they wake up early to get the kids ready for school, get ready for work and their husband starts asking why breakfast isn’t ready yet.

A study says that exercise may help protect children from stress. Of course, most of their stress comes from other kids teasing them about being morbidly obese.

Justin Bieber reportedly cursed out a group of paparazzi in London. Of course, it can be very aggravating to photographers when a child won’t sit still for pictures.

ABC Family aired an entire episode of “Switched At Birth” done in sign language. It was the first show done completely in sign language since “The Apprentice” contestants were asked what they thought of Donald Trump.

Kevin Smith is writing the sequel “Clerks III”. Apparently it is about how Smith has gone from filmmaker to actually working as a convenience store clerk.

“Rifleman Journal” host Gregory Rodriguez was shot to death by a jealous husband. Apparently these reality shows are running out of plot lines.

Bubba Watson has reportedly bought Tiger Woods’ old house in Isleworth. If only Tiger had been driving Watson’s original General Lee from “The Dukes of Hazzard”, Elin would have never been able to catch him trying to escape down the driveway.

Computer Science enrollment has reportedly gone up 30% in colleges last year. Apparently it’s the one degree students feel they will actually be able to use when they graduate, can’t find a job and spend all day playing video games in their parents’ basement.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness is gearing up...How about skipping the office pool this year and donating that $5, $10 or $20 to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the name of my wife, Karen? Just click on the Great Strides icon on this page and donate whatever you can. When you do, I will personally send the love!

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