Friday, March 01, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says that 6% of Americans rate the news media as very trustworthy. And that only 2% believed that 6% of Americans found the media very trustworthy.

Store owners say that banning plastic bags causes more shoplifting. What’s worse is that they are also stealing bags to carry out what they are shoplifting.

Central Michigan University is hosting “STD Bingo” as part of a “Condom Casino Night” for sexual education. Apparently they wanted to make it as close to the Las Vegas experience as possible. 

Central Michigan University is hosting “STD Bingo” as part of a “Condom Casino Night” for sexual education. Do universities really need to promote sexual education? Isn’t that pretty much called “college”?

A survey says that 10% of people say they have had sex in the office. Which means for those people work is pretty much just foreplay.

A survey says that 10% of people say they have had sex in the office. The other 90% were able to wait until they got to the elevator.

A report says that Asia now has more billionaires than North America. The only problem is most of them got wealthy loaning money to the U.S., and see how many are still billionaires when they try to collect.

A mom in California is selling the naming rights to her unborn baby. Although it could cause the child problems later in life to be introduced as Goldenpalace.com Smith.

A mom in California is selling the naming rights to her unborn baby. That’s going to lead to an awkward moment when the child eventually asks how the parents came up with the name “AT&T”.

Michigan may make an emergency takeover of economically crippled Detroit. The only question is who is going to make an emergency takeover of Michigan?

Studies say that millions of people may be making themselves sick by spending their entire work days sitting down. Which is more bad news for the Cleveland Browns’ offensive team.

Studies say that millions of people may be making themselves sick by spending their entire work days sitting down. Of course, they are still better off than all the other people who are making themselves sick wishing they had a job.

A survey says that federal employees report low morale. As opposed to their bosses in Congress, who suffer from low morals.

A survey says that federal employees report low morale. Although not as low as people who have to stand in line for hours in order to finally be waited on by a federal employee.

A study says that pessimists live longer lives. They just aren’t very happy about it.

A study says that pessimists live longer lives. Although they want to see the proof.

A study says that pessimists live longer lives. Which is great news for Americans who haven’t had much to be optimistic about for years.

A study says that pessimists live longer lives. No wonder there are so many old people in the stands at Wrigley Field.

Scientists have developed a brain implant that makes mind reading possible for rats. Which makes it awfully hard to explain why you have that sack of rat poison sitting in the garage.

Wal-Mart says it is struggling to restock its store shelves. Apparently the Chinese economy is doing so well the people there can afford to buy their own cheap crap and don’t need to send it over here.

A poll says that only half of Americans feel the U.S. is the world’s top military power. Apparently it doesn’t help that we haven’t come out on the winning side of a war since 1945.

A poll says that only half of Americans feel the U.S. is the world’s top military power. What’s worse is that those are the people who think “Hogan’s Heroes” is a documentary.

Yale is considering paying for students’ sex change operations. Those are the fraternity brothers who will be pinning themselves.

Yale is considering paying for students’ sex change operations. Imagine when the students call their parents to tell them they changed their major and also their member.

Yale is considering paying for students’ sex change operations. Apparently they are making the offer so any athletes applying for the operation will help them meet their Title IX requirements.

The FAA is set to close 168 airport towers on April 1st because of spending cuts. The controllers will find out on April 3rd when they wake up from their naps.

The FAA is set to close 168 airport towers on April 1st because of spending cuts. That is going to be one crazy April Fool’s Day joke when those pilots keep radioing in for landing instructions and nobody answers.

The Swiss Guards who have provided protection to the Pope since 1506 said goodbye to Benedict yesterday. They wished him good luck, gave him a Swiss Army knife and said “You’re on your own!”

A survey of teachers says there is a growing gap of Internet access between rich and poor students. Which means the poor students have a disadvantage in actually having to do schoolwork instead of cutting and pasting all their reports.

Internet gambling is being seen as a big boost to New Jersey casinos. Mostly for all the people who want to gamble but don’t want to set foot in New Jersey.

A poll says that baby teeth went up in value by 15% since 2012. Apparently kids are eating so much sugar it is rotting their teeth and the Tooth Fairy is making a fortune off all the metal in their fillings.

“Girls Gone Wild” has filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Creator Joe Francis was told there was no such thing as Chapter 36DD bankruptcy.

“Girls Gone Wild” has filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Creator Joe Francis was almost cited for contempt of court when he asked the bankruptcy hearing judge to lift up her robe.

Groupon has fired its CEO Andrew Mason. Apparently 50% off is great except when it comes to reporting company profits.

A study says that kids who don’t get enough exercise do worse in math and reading. How out of shape are today’s students when they don’t have the energy to move a pencil or turn a page?

A poll says that Hawaii is the happiest state. More than likely because the people taking the survey get to live in Hawaii.

A poll says that Hawaii is the happiest state. Mostly because they aren’t living in Alabama.

The Ravens’ Brendon Ayanbadejo says the NFL will have an openly gay player in 2015. Which means Manti Te’o is going to sit out the next couple of years.

A piggy bank that connects to an iPhone predicts how well the owner is doing financially. Apparently it says you have no business sense at all if your wireless provider is AT&T.

A piggy bank that connects to an iPhone predicts how well the owner is doing financially. Apparently it says you would be doing better if you would quit spending so much time looking at the Internet on your iPhone.

Chevron has donated $1.5 Million to fight poverty. Apparently the money will go to their executives to give all the servants at their vacation homes a nice tip.

A poll says a majority of Americans say that sequestration will hurt the economy. Not only that, but researchers say the results of the poll could be even worse if anyone actually knew the meaning of “sequestration”.

Mitt Romney gave his first post-election interview on Fox, saying the 2012 campaign was like a roller coaster. Actually it was more like a roller coaster you had to wait hours for in the hot sun, got stuck half way through the ride and ended up throwing up all over yourself.

Tennessee's Governor says he will likely OK a “guns in trunks” law. Apparently the state feels its current “guns in saddles and stagecoaches” law is a bit outdated.

American Airlines flight attendant Barbara Beckett is retiring after 53 years on the job. She would have retired after 51 years on the job but her last flight on American actually took off in 2011.

A study says that 45% of recent college graduates still live with their parents. The other 55% couldn’t take the poll because there is no phone in their parents’ basement.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am going to keep the push for everyone to donate something to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife Karen. Anything you can give will be appreciated. Just click on the Great Strides icon and the rest is easy. Start your weekend off by sending the love!

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