Friday, February 08, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A blizzard is expected to bury the northeast in several feet of snow. New England could be whiter than a march by the NRA.

The blizzard approaching the northeast is prompting Bank of America to warn customers to prepare and get cash from an ATM. That advice could be used by as many as three people who still have money in a B of A account.

A Guatemalan woman was arrested at a Panama airport with $31,000 in cash in her stomach. She is being charged with planning to pass some bad bills.

A Guatemalan woman was arrested at a Panama airport with $31,000 in cash in her stomach. Talk about money that is going to have to be laundered.

A Guatemalan woman was arrested at a Panama airport with $31,000 in cash in her stomach. Fortunately they caught her before she just threw all that money down the toilet.

An Oregon man is suing the IRS saying an agent coerced him into having sex with her. Usually with the IRS most people feel its the other way around.

Australian schools are banning candles on birthday cakes to stop the spread of germs. If they are so concerned about the health of their kids, why don’t they just ban the cakes?

Australian schools are banning candles on birthday cakes to stop the spread of germs. That’s like telling winos that to be healthier they should stop drinking from the same bottle.

Arizona universities are pushing to attract out of state students to their schools.. Mostly because its hard to find anyone under the age of 65 who lives in Arizona.

Chicago policemen are suing for overtime pay for using their Blackberrys while off duty. Apparently the taxpayers will be glad to know the time and a half will go to protect them from attacks by any Angry Birds.

A Tennessee man has quit his job after his W-2 form was stamped with the number 666. Apparently he didn’t realize that is just the Zip Code for IRS Headquarters.

A study says that the bigger a CEOs signature, the more likely they are to be a narcissist. Or the more narcissistic they are, the more likely they are to be a CEO.

A study says that the bigger a CEOs signature, the more likely they are to be a narcissist. The biggest way to tell if a CEO is a narcissist is if their signature says “Donald Trump”.

Retirement village residents in Florida are outraged at expensive insurance costs for owning speedy golf carts. Some of the golf carts are custom designed and even have turn signals installed that automatically stay on all the time.

Retirement village residents in Florida are outraged at expensive insurance costs for owning speedy golf carts. Some of the carts can go up to 35 mph, which causes other retirees to yell out “Slow down, Barney Oldfield!”

Volkswagen hopes its new edition of the Beetle will attract men to buy it. Apparently it goes over well with men who think driving a mini van is just a little too macho.

A near record $312 Billion went into personal bank accounts in the fourth quarter of 2012. Which means that Americans now have 312 Billion, 217 dollars in their savings accounts.

State Farm says it is going to cut homeowners insurance rates in Los Angeles. Which is great for the three people who haven’t had their homes foreclosed on yet.

State Farm says it is going to cut homeowners insurance rates in Los Angeles. Mostly because after selling their furniture and jewelry to keep their home from being foreclosed, there is nothing left inside to insure.

California is expected to end the year with a budget surplus of $36 Million. Apparently Governor Jerry Brown was able to save a fortune just by cutting back on the number of people who were on the housecleaning staff when Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor.

Hedge fund executives in Pennsylvania are being charged with stealing $311 Million from investors in a Ponzi scheme. To which Bernie Madoff says “Amateurs!”

U.S. consumers spent more on cars and student loans in December. Mostly because they need new cars to make sure they can drive to all the extra jobs they are working to pay off their kids’ student loans.

A study says that sales of French fries are dropping in favor of healthier foods at restaurants. Customers are asking for more servings of fruits and vegetables. Just as long as they are covered in chocolate.

A study says that sales of French fries are dropping in favor of healthier foods at restaurants. Apparently people started changing their minds right about the time Ronald McDonald went in for his quadruple bypass surgery.

A study says that Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s diseases are not contagious. No one really believed that. It was just a convenient excuse to use to not have to visit Grandma in the retirement home.

A study says that increasing the price of alcohol by 10% would cause an immediate and significant drop in alcohol related deaths. However, people who aren’t driving drunk anymore now will be able to text while they are driving about how they are sober.

A study says that increasing the price of alcohol by 10% would cause an immediate and significant drop in alcohol related deaths. Mostly because more people will start smoking pot instead and will never get off the couch to do anything risky.

A study says that increasing the price of alcohol by 10% would cause an immediate and significant drop in alcohol related deaths. To which the ultra rich are claiming that making them pay more for their Champagne would just be another unfair tax on the wealthy.

A study says that a weak electrical current applied to the brain can help fight depression. They are still saving the big shock for when you get the bill for the treatment.

A study says that older motorcyclists suffer greater injuries in crashes. Mostly when they are getting off their bike and trying to steady themselves on their walker.

A study says that a southern diet of fatty foods sends the risk of stroke soaring. Of course, the southern diet evolved the way it is because to eat things like apples and celery it helps to have teeth.

Some UK lasagna has been recalled after it was found to contain 60% horsemeat. To which Taco Bell officials were shocked. Companies sell food made with meat?

Some UK lasagna has been recalled after it was found to contain 60% horsemeat. People didn’t seem to care. No matter what it is, it still beats eating haggis.

Stuart Freeborn, the makeup artist of “Star Wars” has died at age 98. Hollywood was shocked. Apparently he was so good, he looked like he was still 34.

Stuart Freeborn, the makeup artist of “Star Wars” has died at age 98. Although in his final years, even he said he said he had run out of tricks to use on Harrison Ford.

Regis Philbin is reportedly in talks to do a show on Fox Sports. Apparently they are trying to get a lock on the demographic that still worships Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb.

Regis Philbin is reportedly in talks to do a show on Fox Sports. The only problem is that his idea of performance enhancing drugs is Geritol, Centrum Silver and One A Day.

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler reportedly proposed to Kristin Cavallari by text. However, he claims he was down on one knee when he did it.

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler reportedly proposed to Kristin Cavallari by text. Apparently since it’s the off season he didn’t have access to a scoreboard.

RadioShack has hired a former Walgreens executive as their new CEO. Apparently they needed someone who knows how to apply a tourniquet.

Gasoline prices are back up to $4 a gallon in California. Between that and the cost of Botox, Beverly Hills women are having to decide on whether to have a full tank or full lips.

Twitter will enable users to search for Tweets more than a week old. So now people can go back several years to see what they had for breakfast each day.

“Farmville” is being turned into an animated TV show. Apparently it’s for people who don’t have the energy to run a fake farm off their computer.

Several perfumes for babies are now on the market. Apparently it’s for people who don’t have time to change those smelly diapers every day.

Several perfumes for babies are now on the market. There’s one babies even respond to by name. “Gucci, Gucci Gucci!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad it is Friday. But just because it’s the weekend doesn’t mean you can’t keep sending the love!

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