Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Charlottesville, Virginia, home of the University of Virginia became the first city to pass an anti-drone law. University students are hoping it will help in their classes where professors drone all day.

Next year’s Super Bowl may not have a half time show because it will be played in New Jersey and is expected to be too cold. Which means Justin Bieber will be trying for the year after that, when he will be old enough to stay up past 9:30.

Bill Clinton made a reference to Viagra at the funeral of former New York Mayor Ed Koch. Apparently he misunderstood when someone told him he needed to say a few words about a stiff.

The Center of Economic Policy and Research says people can curb Global Warming by working less. Which means the government has been doing its part to save the environment for years.

The Center of Economic Policy and Research says people can curb Global Warming by working less. Which means the banks were actually just trying to save the environment when they destroyed the economy and cost millions of people their jobs.

A needle-free syringe has passed a laboratory test with mice. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a squirt gun.

Chicago Police say they won’t be responding immediately to smaller crimes like car theft or burglary to save money. Which means the only criminals that stand a chance of being caught are the ones dumb enough to try to rob the donut shop.

The Arkansas House has passed a bill allowing people to take guns to church. Apparently it’s for people who want to celebrate the 1st and 2nd Amendments at the same time.

The Arkansas House has passed a bill allowing people to take guns to church. One church has already gone ahead and had Ted Nugent write all their Sunday hymns.

A new app lets people “talk” to their house plants. Seeing a bunch of dead plants around a person’s house would be one way to tell that their carrier is AT&T.

A new app lets people “talk” to their house plants. The worst part is when they start sexting pictures of their pistils and stamen.

Outside experts have been called in to investigate the Super Bowl power outage in New Orleans. People who were at the game are less concerned about what cause the power outage than knowing what was actually in the hot dogs they ate.

A study says that U.S. voting flaws are widespread. That’s pretty obvious. How else would the same people keep getting elected in Washington, D.C. all the time?

The Congressional Budget Office says the U.S. deficits will fall below $1 Trillion a year by 2013. Mostly because the budget cuts will mean they can only run the Treasury printers half as much as normal.

The world’s longest cat at 48.5” has died in Nevada. Apparently the female had moved to Nevada because it heard there were all kinds of cat houses around the state.

A report says that climate change could devastate agriculture. Which is more bad news for the seven Americans who still actually eat vegetables.

A report says that climate change could devastate agriculture. Unless you happen to own a cactus farm.

A survey says that most Americans take periodic breaks from Facebook. Usually after someone else posts pictures of them drunk and naked at a New Year’s party.

A survey says that most Americans take periodic breaks from Facebook. Mostly to go work at the second job they need to make up for the money they lost buying Facebook stock.

A survey says that most Americans take periodic breaks from Facebook. Mostly after they realize they just spent three hours reading about other people going to the store or having coffee.

An Arkansas couple won $1 Million and $50,000 in lottery prizes in the same week. Now they can afford the dream of every Arkansas lottery winner. Get out of Arkansas.

An Arkansas couple won $1 Million and $50,000 in lottery prizes in the same week. They based their picks on the number of teeth of each of their family members.

An Arkansas couple won $1 Million and $50,000 in lottery prizes in the same week. Which means they have enough money to here they can move to a trailer park that has a view of something besides another trailer park.

The Department of Justice says it has cracked an international credit card fraud ring. It’s called the Discover Card.

A report says that “prodigious” Silicon Valley job growth is up to levels of the Dot Com boom. Which means even the Pets.com people are thinking that they can finally make a go of it this time.

Animal Planet reports that 12.4 Million people watched the “Puppy Bowl” on Super Sunday. Which is no surprise since millions of people take the time to watch a cat play the piano and a hamster eat a cracker every day on Youtube.

A study says that Washington, D.C. has the most traffic congestion of any major city. Especially around noon time because everyone in politics knows there really is a free lunch.

A study says that Washington, D.C. has the most traffic congestion of any major city. People spend an extra 67 hours a year stuck in traffic. Which members of Congress don’t mind because they can use that time to solicit bribes from all their lobbyists.

A study says that Washington, D.C. has the most traffic congestion of any major city. People spend an extra 67 hours a year stuck in traffic. Which is good because the longer we can keep members of Congress away from work, the less money they can spend.

A study says that sunlight is linked to a lower risk of rheumatoid arthritis. Although in contrast to the study, you are much more likely to see people in New York extend their middle finger more fully than anyone in Florida or Arizona.

A study says that couples that spend seven minutes writing an essay about their fighting are less likely to be unhappy. Mostly because that’s the only seven minutes they spend together while they aren’t fighting.

A study says that couples that spend seven minutes writing an essay about their fighting are less likely to be unhappy. Except when they read each other’s essay and start fighting about what they wrote.

A study says that shifting to hospice care often comes too late. How late can you be when you are sending someone to a hospice?

“The Bachelor” star Sean Lowe says he felt like he was wasting his time on the show. Although it couldn’t have been as much as the people who actually watched it.

A report says that Lance Armstrong won’t face criminal charges for taking PEDs. Apparently authorities know anything they did wouldn’t be as bad as what he will go through for lying to Oprah.

Google is offering security tips to make the Internet safer. The first step is not giving any information to Google.

Scientists say using stem cells with a 3D printer could lead to printable organs for transplants. Which would be weird when explaining to someone that your kidney came from your Brother, it’s not a family member you are talking about.

The largest known prime number, a number which is divisible only by one and itself has been discovered with more than 17 Million digits. It’s the only number known that is actually larger than the national debt.

The largest known prime number, a number which is divisible only by one and itself has been discovered with more than 17 Million digits. But then who is going to be able to disprove it?

The largest known prime number, a number which is divisible only by one and itself has been discovered with more than 17 Million digits. The only problem for the person who discovered it is making their resume less than 500 pages.

The largest known prime number, a number which is divisible only by one and itself has been discovered with more than 17 Million digits. Which made millions of school children across the country ask “THAT’S why we’re doing math?”

John Kerry says he has some “big heels to fill” in his role as Secretary of State. That hasn’t been said since the person who took over for J. Edgar Hoover.

President Obama’s speechwriter Jon Favreau is leaving the White House to become a Hollywood screenwriter. Apparently he feels prepared for the new career with all his experience at writing fiction.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Super Bowl has been over for three days. Millions of men across the country have spent the time trying to re-learn the names of their wife and children whom they haven’t seen since the NFL preseason started. Fortunately I can count on you to keep sending the love year round!

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