Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Standard & Poor’s says it is the target of a Department of Justice lawsuit over high ratings it gave mortgage backed securities before the economic crash. Of course, S&P is also the company that still gives a top credit rating to the $16 Trillion in debt U.S. government.

The NFL says the power outage at the Super Bowl was not Beyonce’s fault. How much power does it take to run a light show and pre-recorded tape?

A Voodoo priestess in New Orleans says a curse on the Super Dome did not cause the power failure. Apparently that curse was lifted a couple of years ago when the Saints actually started winning some games.

Google Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt says that China is the world’s most “active and enthusiastic” filterer of information. Well, other than Google.

Gasoline costs are taking the biggest share of U.S. households in three decades. The rest is pretty much divided between video games, desserts and alcohol.

Gasoline costs are taking the biggest share of U.S. households in three decades. Mostly because so many people have had their homes foreclosed and are now living in their cars.

An amusement park is reportedly going to be built in Abbottabad, the city where Osama bin Laden was killed. So far the top names being considered are Am-Busch Gardens, Six White Flags and Buried-at-Sea World.

An amusement park is reportedly going to be built in Abbottabad, the city where Osama bin Laden was killed. The top attraction will be No-Tomorrow Land.

A Maryland school district is considering a copyright policy that would give them ownership of all students’ work. The only problem is finding enough refrigerators to store all the papers and drawings on.

A study says that watching porn tends to boost people’s support of same sex marriage. At least for men who have just finished watching some hot cheerleader girl on girl flicks.

A Miami woman was sentenced to 30 days in jail for contempt of court after flipping off the judge. Apparently now she knows where the term “jail bird” comes from.

Supersonic skydiver Felix Baumgartner reportedly fell at 843.6 mph or Mach 1.25 in his world record parachute jump. The only thing that has ever fallen faster is Sylvester Stallone’s career after releasing “Bullet To The Head”.

A Georgia counterfeit ring reportedly passed more than $1 Million in fake bills. Apparently they were caught when they tried to buy several items with some freshly minted $30 bills.

A Georgia counterfeit ring reportedly passed more than $1 Million in fake bills. Apparently they got caught when they started counterfeiting high school diplomas and authorities knew there was no way there were that many graduates in the state.

The French government has officially overturned a 200 year old ban on women wearing trousers. Although it would probably be easier to give them razors and tell them to just shave their legs.

The French government has officially overturned a 200 year old ban on women wearing trousers. Apparently when they wear skirts it just confuses them with French soldiers.

Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport has gotten the most top ratings on a business travel survey. Apparently the TSA agents there exhibit real southern charm and manners while they conduct all their strip searches.

Canada has dropped their penny, and now many economists are saying the U.S. should do the same. Others argue that there are still some things the penny can buy today that it couldn’t before. Like, for instance a dollar.

Canada has dropped their penny, and now many economists are saying the U.S. should do the same.  Apparently it costs the government two cents to make each penny. As opposed to the dollar which just costs the price of the electricity to run the printing press.

The Super Dome power outage is being blamed for a worse than usual Super Bowl hangover as people stayed up later and ate and drank more than they normally would. Fortunately, only a small percentage of people watching the game actually still had jobs to go to on Monday.

Texas is making a push to get California businesses to move to their state for lower taxes. For instance, they say a San Francisco leather shop could sell lots of studded collars for dogs. To which the owner asked “People use these for dogs?”

Texas is making a push to get California businesses to move to their state for lower taxes. Which is really making all three businesses still open in California thinking about making the move.

Texas is making a push to get California businesses to move to their state for lower taxes. The only problem is finding any businesses in California that make guns, beer or truck accessories.

CBS says 164.1 Million people watched at least six minutes of Super Bowl XLVII. Apparently six minutes is used because that is how long the average CBS viewer can watch anything without taking a nap.

CBS says 164.1 Million people watched at least six minutes of Super Bowl XLVII. After six minutes the typical CBS viewer would turn off the game in anger because they couldn’t tell which player was Red Grange.

Studies show that calorie labels on many foods are inaccurate. The problem is that most people think what must be inaccurate is their bathroom scale.

A study says that teen pregnancies in New York City schools are down 27% in the past decade. Mostly because in the past ten years 27% more kids have dropped out.

A study says that teen pregnancies in New York City schools are down 27% in the past decade. Mostly because the boy students are finding it easier to have sex with their teachers.

A study says that being closer to one’s in-laws can either help or hurt a marriage. Well, now there are some valuable guidelines for married people.

A study says that being closer to one’s in-laws can either help or hurt a marriage. Although most people feel a thousand miles is about as close as they would like to be to their in-laws.

A study says that a good mood improves the brain power of seniors. Well, it was a nice thought anyway.

A study says that a good mood improves the brain power of seniors. After all, how smart do you have to be to stand on the porch and yell at kids to get off your lawn?

A study says that loneliness can wreck a person’s immune system. But at least it will get a break from having to fight off any STDs.

A study says that middle aged out of shape people are at greater risk of dementia. Apparently it was proven by how many middle aged out of shape people are happy with the way they look.

A study says that Baby Boomers are aging worse than the past generation, with only 13% saying they are in excellent health. Of course, to a Baby Boomer excellent health means that they can make it to the front door for a pizza delivery without a walker.

A study says that Baby Boomers are aging worse than the past generation, with only 13% saying they are in excellent health. The other 87% couldn’t get out of their recliner to take part in the study.

A study says that 20 hours a week of watching TV may cut men’s sperm count in half. Especially if they spend the 20 hours watching Lifetime.

Steven Tyler made a return appearance to “American Idol” dressed in drag. In other words, Steven Tyler made a return appearance to “American Idol”.

Kim Kardashian raised controversy by posting a picture of a diamond-encrusted pistol. Which would be good for women to carry in case they are accosted by someone trying to steal something valuable, like a diamond-encrusted pistol.

Kim Kardashian raised controversy by posting a picture of a diamond-encrusted pistol. It turns out there is a lot of interest in the gun, especially by people who want to shoot themselves after watching an episode of “The Kardashians”.

The Super Dome blackout is being credited for raising the ratings of the Super Bowl. Mostly because people were more entertained by the blackout than they usually are by CBS programming.

Shirley MacLaine’s daughter has slammed her for abandoning her as a child. To Which MacLaine is asking if she was her daughter while she was in a past life as Cleopatra or was it Marie Antoinette?

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is competing in “Splash”, the celebrity diving competition. The only problem is that the whole pool is the shallow end.

Ricki Lake’s talk show has been canceled after one season for low ratings. Apparently people just couldn’t tune their satellite dishes to 1994.

A report says the Ravens lost track of the Lombardi Trophy after the Super Bowl. Pretty much like the 49ers lost track of Jacoby Jones during the entire game.

A stone with a dinosaur footprint was lifted off the grounds of the Maryland Space Center. No one even remembered John Glenn coming by for a visit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Super Bowl is over. That means not too much longer before baseball season starts. Then not too long after that until the Dodgers are eliminated from the playoffs. Then back to football. In the meantime, just make sure you stay in the spirit of the season by remembering to always send the love!

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