Thursday, February 28, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The NFL is looking into whether teams are asking some players if they like girls. The NBA gets around questions of sexual orientation by asking prospects how many children they have.

IKEA has removed meatballs from its stores after they were found to contain horsemeat. Although customers said eating the meatballs was more enjoyable than assembling the IKEA chair they just bought.

DreamWorks studios says they will lay off 350 people. The hardest part was giving notice to both Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny after their film “Rise of the Guardians” bombed.

The number of seniors dating online doubled last year. Apparently Larry King has figured out how to use a computer.

The number of seniors dating online doubled last year. Which means it is a good time to buy stock in the company that makes Viagra.

An Indiana man called 911 nine times to order a cheeseburger. Which was unusual in that most people call 911 after they have eaten the cheeseburger.

Larry Flynt says he may close down Hustler magazine. People were amazed. No one has actually seen a Hustler magazine since 1978.

Larry Flynt says he may close down Hustler magazine. Which is sad news for the all the crack addicts who pose for the magazine losing their income.

An Indiana couple faces felony charges for sneaking in to see a movie. Authorities are also considering indicting the producers of “Battleship” for making people pay money to see it.

A report says that 50% of pets in the U.S. are obese. Apparently it is true that after awhile pets start looking like their owners.

A report says that 50% of pets in the U.S. are obese. Mostly because when people walk their dogs anymore, it is over to see what is in the refrigerator.

A report says that 50% of pets in the U.S. are obese. It’s getting so bad that even goldfish are getting too fat to flush down the toilet when they die.

Three people were killed and seven were injured in a shooting at a Swiss factory. The worst part is that it was hard to tell the difference between the victims and the cheese they were making.

Disgraced Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. is reportedly already writing his memoirs. Which means he will soon be pitching a reality show that will air right after “Honey Boo Boo”.

Some Indiana hair stylists were fighting in court over a $9.5 Million Lotto jackpot. Apparently they are all dyeing to become wealthy.

Prince William reportedly piloted a helicopter to rescue a couple stranded on a mountain in Wales this week. Apparently he is practicing for when he needs to help his brother Harry out of another jam at a Las Vegas hotel.

Skechers shoes is being criticized for selling a line of sneakers called “Daddy’$ Money”. Apparently it’s not as controversial as their line of sneakers for divorced women called “Half of Daddy’$ Money”.

Skechers shoes is being criticized for selling a line of sneakers called “Daddy’$ Money”. Which is not to be confused with the new line of Nike shoes called “Baby’s Job”.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says that unemployment may not drop to 6% until 2016. Apparently it will take that long to outsource the jobs we still have left to bring the rate down.

United Airlines is offering faster security lines to passengers for a $9 fee. Apparently the TSA agents speed things up by using lubricant on their latex gloves.

United Airlines is offering faster security lines to passengers for a $9 fee. We have come a long ways from the days when paying for a full cavity search could get you 90 days in jail.

A Sonic drive-in worker says the company denied them health coverage after their leg was injured during a robbery. The company says there was confusion as usually their workers seek medical care after eating the food.

Hyundai says it is close to settling cases where it is being accused of overstating its cars’ gas mileage. As opposed to Chrysler which is fighting charges saying that their 50,000 mile warranty doesn’t guarantee the car will ever reach 50,000 miles.

Groupon stock dropped 24% after missing its goals. The good news is that many Groupon shareholders bought their stock with the 50% off coupon they found on Groupon.

An app for detecting concussions will be available to NFL teams next season on their iPads. Which means their iPads will help in finding injuries that could be prevented with more pads.

Researchers say that smiling can lower a person’s heart rate and reduce stress. Which is a lot easier than finding a job, getting your house back and figuring out how to live somewhere other than in your car.

A study says that more women are overweight because they don’t vacuum and do the laundry as much as they used to. The study was done by men who are obviously single.

A study says that more women are overweight because they don’t vacuum and do the laundry as much as they used to. The study was actually part of another study to find out how many men were stupid enough to tell their wives about the first study.

A study shows that Brits under report their alcohol consumption by as much as 60%. Mostly so researchers don’t think they are actually Irish.

A study shows that Brits under report their alcohol consumption by as much as 60%. Mostly because they can’t remember anything after drinking the first 40%.

A study says that straight married couples are healthier than gay couples who live together. Apparently Chick-fil-A must actually be a pretty good place to eat well.

A study says that people keeping the humidity level in their home at 43% could reduce the chances of them getting the flu. Of course, the humidity level can be raised to 100% by catching the flu, going to see the doctor and then waiting for the bill.

Organizers are already promoting Record Store Day which will be on April 20th. Apparently they are getting an early start hoping that they can find an actual record store that is still in business before then.

Kanye West compared himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs. Apparently none of them could sing, either.

Scott Weiland was fired as singer with Stone Temple Pilots. Which is big news if you are still living in 1993.

Scott Weiland was fired as singer with Stone Temple Pilots. Apparently they actually gave him his notice 20 years ago but he just got sober enough to finally remember.

Scott Weiland was fired as singer with Stone Temple Pilots. People were shocked. Stone Temple Pilots were still together?

One of the Milwaukee Brewer racing sausages has been reported as AWOL. Apparently the sausage mysteriously disappeared just as the word got out on horsemeat being found in meat products at IKEA.

The Labor Department says that 50% of minimum wage workers are 24 years old or younger. The other 50% are 25 years or older.

Sarah Palin told Congress to cut the drama and do their job. Or they could also do what she did and quit their job early to become a reality TV star.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hoping all of you can make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife Karen. Any amount will do, just click on the icon and it is easy. I’m waiting for everyone to send the love!

1 comment:

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