Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


An Australian billionaire has unveiled the blueprints for an exact replica of the Titanic. It is called the U.S. economy.

An Australian billionaire has unveiled the blueprints for an exact replica of the Titanic. Apparently it will become part of the Carnival Cruise fleet.

An Australian billionaire has unveiled the blueprints for an exact replica of the Titanic. In order to make it completely authentic, they have even hired the former captain of the Costa Concordia.

Scientists say that increased longevity has made 72 the new 30. Which means that Larry King is really only 60.

Scientists say that increased longevity has made 72 the new 30. Mostly because in this economy no can can retire before they reach 90.

John Kerry says that Americans “have the right to be stupid.” Which is scary when you see how many people are also so concerned with their right to bear arms.

John Kerry says that Americans “have the right to be stupid.” Apparently it says so right there in the Konstatooshun.

John Kerry says that Americans “have the right to be stupid.” Which is kind of sad knowing that all our soldiers gave up their lives so we can be morons.

A U.N. rights council was told that atheists face discrimination around the globe. Atheists feel that prejudice is a violation of their Nobody given rights.

Lance Armstrong is challenging a lawsuit by former sponsor U.S. Postal Service, saying the case against him is too old to pursue. Fortunately for him, the Post Office sent all the forms for the lawsuit through the mail.

A study says a lack of sleep switches off genes which can lead to illness. Which is really bad when people are waking up early to sit on the couch for eight hours playing video games.

A Pennsylvania man died after falling into a sugar vat. The sad part is that he might have been saved if he had not waited for three days to call for help.

U.S. oil imports from the Middle East increased in 2012. Which means it looks like it’s Iran’s turn to be invaded this time.

Tom Brady signed a new contract for three years for $27 Million. On top of that, he gets a signing bonus for $30 Million. Do you really need to give someone an incentive to sign a contract for $27 Million?

Tom Brady signed a new contract for three years for $27 Million. On top of that, he gets a signing bonus for $30 Million. Apparently the NFL is paying its quarterbacks using the standard model for compensation for CEOs.

A Papal historian says Cardinals will likely pick a new Pope who is an extrovert. Pope Benedict XVI was seen as too much of an introvert. The new Pope will have to deal with issues like all the priests who are perverts.

A lawsuit claims that Anheuser-Busch beers are watered down. It will be an open and shut case for the defendants, especially when the first witness they call to the stand will be Coors Light.

A lawsuit claims that Anheuser-Busch beers are watered down. Apparently the plaintiffs realized something was wrong after drinking Buds all night, driving without crashing or being arrested and arriving at the right house.

A poll says that 87% of Americans say it is never OK to cheat on your taxes. The other 13% have tax accountants.

A poll says that 87% of Americans say it is never OK to cheat on your taxes. They also say you should completely stop at all stop signs, never litter and be faithful to your spouse.

A poll says that 87% of Americans say it is never OK to cheat on your taxes. The other 13% will find themselves being audited after the IRS buys the poll results.

The average Wall Street cash bonus in 2012 was up 10% to $121,000. That should teach them a lesson. When you crash the economy and take taxpayer money to pay for your mistakes, you will eventually be punished for your actions.

A study says that many new car buyers are choosing more costly models they really can’t afford. At least when people buy an expensive hybrid car and can’t make the payments, instead of being repo’d they say it is being recycled.

A poll says that a majority of Americans name China as the world’s top economic power. Mostly Wal-Mart shoppers who haven’t seen a “Made in USA” label in decades.

A teenager in Indianapolis was given a job after walking ten miles through the snow to get to an interview. The worst part is that his grandparents have to listen to him telling the story whenever they complain about something.

A report says that teen traffic deaths were up 19% in the first half of 2012. Remember when kids didn’t do such dangerous things like texting while driving and instead used the car for safer activities like getting drunk, having sex and playing “chicken”?

The San Francisco 49ers have named SunPower as their solar technology partner in their new stadium. The only problem is now they will only be able to play day games.

A study says that people who help others are less likely to die after a stressful event. Which is even more bad news for all those FEMA workers.

A study says that the best foods for a healthy heart are olive oil, nuts, wine and chocolate. Or as Paula Abdul calls that, “breakfast”.

A study says that people feel pleasure with pain if the pain isn’t as bad as they expected. Which is why Cubs fans are always so happy if their team doesn’t finish in the cellar.

The Who is returning to Rhode Island to make up a concert that was cancelled 33 years ago. To which anyone under 30 being told about the concert is saying “The Who?”

The Who is returning to Rhode Island to make up a concert that was cancelled 33 years ago. Thank goodness for GPS technology that can actually help people find Rhode Island.

Miss Delaware Teen USA has resigned her title, denying that she is in an online sex video. If it is true then she is resigning so she can shop herself around for a reality TV show.

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney is seeking a deal with prosecutors to let Lohan avoid jail time by becoming a motivational speaker. Apparently she will try to motivate kids to not be like Lindsay Lohan.

Rick Springfield will be returning to “General Hospital”. Not to say he is getting old, but he will be playing the role of a cadaver.

Dodger pitcher Zack Greinke says he signed a $147 Million, six year contract with the Dodgers for the money. Or as his agent calls him, “The greatest client in the history of the world.”

Former manager Bobby Valentine says he did “A hell of a job” in Boston, losing 93 games. The players agreed, saying the job was indeed hell with him around.

Former manager Bobby Valentine says he did “A hell of a job” in Boston, losing 93 games. Then he remembered he wasn’t managing the Astros.

Music industry sales rose last year for the first time since 1999. Critics were shocked. Who buys music anymore?

A survey says that 39% of people say they get complaints for not responding quickly to texts. Apparently their excuse is they wait to respond until they actually have to drive somewhere.

A report says the IRS spends $4 Million a year to run a full service TV studio. Apparently they are making a show about what it is like to go through an audit, called “The Big Bang Theory”.

 A report says the IRS spends $4 Million a year to run a full service TV studio. Apparently they are making a show called “Grey’s Anatomy” about what happened to Grey in an audit.

A report says the IRS spends $4 Million a year to run a full service TV studio. Apparently they are making a show called “Bones” about what people are left with after an audit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you have made it this far without becoming ill, then you have enough strength left to click on the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation Great Strides icon and donate some money in the name of my wife Karen. Anything you give even if it’s $5 will be appreciated. It’s the easy way to send the love!

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