Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Joe Biden says that Americans are no longer worried about the economy. Mostly because there isn’t enough of one left to worry about anymore.

Scientists are planning to smash a rocket into an asteroid. Or as NASA calls that, a flight to the Moon.

“Honey Boo Boo” is becoming a hit TV show in Europe. Apparently it is becoming a favorite of Europeans who are tired of reruns of “The Beverly Hillbillies”.

Horsemeat was found in meatballs being sold at IKEA stores in Sweden. Not only are people upset about horsemeat in the meatballs, they also find them nearly impossible to have to assemble.

CNN President Jeff Zucker will meet with the NABJ to discuss the network’s state of black journalists. Viewers were surprised. CNN has journalists?

Fujifilm has developed a device that converts a person’s body heat into electricity. Now all they need to do is find a person who still actually has a use for camera film.

Joe Biden says that Americans are “Tired of being tired.” And that’s just after listening to one of his speeches.

Yahoo! is ending the practice of letting its employees telecommute. The only problem is now those employees will have to buy nicer pajamas to wear in the work place.

Yahoo! is ending the practice of letting its employees telecommute. The worst part is that now everyone will have to listen to the Yahoo! yodeler walking around the building all day.

The Census Bureau has dropped the word “Negro” from its surveys. That means they might also eventually eliminate questions about the Victrola, blunderbusses and hoop skirts.

A report says that used cars drop in value an average of $448 each time they pass an increment of 10,000 miles. Or as Chrysler calls 10,000 miles, time for an overhaul.

Mexico has announced sweeping education reform. Apparently they are telling their people to sneak into California where the schools are better than if they sneak into Arizona.

A federal court ruling means that California prisons may have to start hiring witches as chaplains. Why do they need people to minister to witches? You would think that a prison shouldn’t be able to hold a real witch.

A report says that adults under 35 have more student loan debt and less exposure to credit card, home and car loans. Mostly because if their college degree would have gotten them a job, they would have paid off their college loans and bought a house and car.

A report says that adults under 35 have more student loan debt and less exposure to credit card, home and car loans. Probably because most adults under 35 don’t need a home or car because they are still living in their parents’ basement.

GM says it will partner with AT&T to provide Wi-Fi in most their U.S. vehicles. That way the owners will be able to get online right away to find the nearest auto repair shop when their car breaks down.

GM says it will partner with AT&T to provide Wi-Fi in most their U.S. vehicles. It sounds like a great idea. Instead of just being able to text, why to we give drivers the entire Internet to go through while driving?

GM says it will partner with AT&T to provide Wi-Fi in most their U.S. vehicles. The only pairing that could be less dependable is if Chrysler were to provide Wi-Fi service with AOL. 

A survey says that only slightly more than half of all Americans have more in emergency savings than they do credit card debt. Mostly because any emergencies are always put on the credit card.

A survey says that only slightly more than half of all Americans have more in emergency savings than they do credit card debt. Mostly because anymore, paying the mortgage and food bill is pretty much considered an emergency.

The CEO of Macy’s says he expected exclusivity in his company’s agreement with Martha Stewart. They were so confident of that company headquarters even provided her with a private cell.

A report says that New Mexico has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country while New Hampshire has the lowest. Apparently if you give kids a reason to keep their clothes on, they will.

A survey says that 65% of tanning salon owners in Missouri would allow 10-12 year old kids to use a tanning bed. Apparently having a healthy tan gives the appearance that you have an immune system that can successfully fight off cooties.

A group of pediatricians says they oppose school expulsions and suspensions. Apparently with more bullies still in school, they get a lot more business for all the pediatricians working in Emergency Rooms.

The world’s oldest marathoner has retired at age 101. Well, at least he will retire in another three months when he finishes the marathon he started in November.

Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop has died at age 96. Not to say he was old, but he was most famous for his report about the medical benefits of leeches and keeping the four bodily humors in balance.

Pippa Middleton will start writing a food column for a supermarket magazine. Apparently her advice is when you want a certain dish, just tell your personal chef.

Pippa Middleton will start writing a food column for a supermarket magazine. Apparently  it will help commoners help find the best deals on their daily helpings of caviar and champagne.

Pippa Middleton will start writing a food column for a supermarket magazine. Which is good news for the three people who actually subscribe to a magazine put out by a supermarket.

Janet Jackson has confirmed that she has married a billionaire. Apparently at her wedding she honored the tradition of wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something that malfunctioned.

Janet Jackson has confirmed that she has married a billionaire. Apparently that means the family is planning for a long fight before they figure out how to divide up Michael’s estate.

MC Hammer was pulled over in California for driving a car with expired tags. The worst part is the car he was driving was a taxi.

MC Hammer was pulled over in California for driving a car with expired tags. Apparently the tags expired in 2012, unlike his career which expired in 1988.

Alabama has offered a scholarship to an 8th grade football player. Or as an 8th grader is called in Alabama, a doctoral candidate.

A suitcase sized satellite has been launched to hunt asteroids and space junk. Of course, in another two years a suitcase sized satellite pretty much will be space junk.

A suitcase sized satellite has been launched to hunt asteroids and space junk. Or as most space junk is identified, any satellite beaming back NBC programming.

MasterCard has launched a digital wallet. This way the company doesn’t have to wait to send you a statement to suck all the money out of your account.

Nielsen will begin measuring TV viewership that is done using broadband devices. Apparently they will start by counting all the people who are run over in intersections while watching TV on their iPad.

Scientists say that Mars may still be inhabitable today. After all, look at how many people are still living in New Jersey.

A study says that watching 3D movies leaves many people feeling sick. Mostly the people who just realized they spent $12 to see “John Carter”.

A study says that global warming could make work miserable in hot and muggy conditions. Especially at Republican Headquarters where they will have to listen to Democrats keep saying “We told you so!”

A study says that global warming could make work miserable in hot and muggy conditions. Fortunately for most people, they will be OK with that since they don’t have a job to go to anyways.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am going to make a pitch again today and every day through May 18th for my wonderful readers to make a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. If you can give $5 that would be awesome. Anyone giving a donation gets a shout out right here. Thanks in advance for showing the true way to send the love!

1 comment:

Jokes Funny and Weird said...

Funny observations. Thanks for sharing.