Sunday, February 24, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Jermaine Jackson has legally changed his last name to Jacksun. So instead now people will be asking “Who is Jermaine Jacksun?”

Toxic vapors were discovered to be seeping up from underneath the Google buildings. It is the most toxic substance found in Silicon Valley since shares of Facebook stock.

Gun owners flocked to Starbucks in support of the company’s stand on 2nd Amendment rights. Is it really a good idea to be around a room full of gun owners who have just overdosed on caffeine?

Gun owners flocked to Starbucks in support of the company’s stand on 2nd Amendment rights. Ironically it was the people with all the guns who were the ones being robbed.

A chef in Philadelphia will be putting dishes with horsemeat on the menu. To which Taco Bell owners across the city are saying “It’s been done.”

A state worker in Minnesota was fired after accessing driver’s licenses to check out women. What’s worse is that the only good looking woman’s driver’s license photo turned out to be Jesse Ventura.

The woman who claimed to find a finger in her Wendy’s chili is now being charged with lying about her son being shot. Authorities became suspicions when she claimed it was a finger she found in some chili that pulled the trigger.

A poll says that Americans want to trim government spending but don’t want to cut any programs. Which answers the question of how we got $16 Trillion in debt in the first place.

An Oregon hunter has been acquitted of shooting a man he says he mistook for a bear. His lawyers are being congratulated for their brilliant use of the “Mr. Magoo” defense.

An Oregon hunter has been acquitted of shooting a man he says he mistook for a bear. The whole thing was almost averted when he earlier mistook a broom for his gun.

A New York man has landed a job by using a candy bar as part of his resume. Unfortunately he used a $100,000 Bar but only found work paying minimum wage.

A New York man has landed a job by using a candy bar as part of his resume. When he told his family about his plan, at first they just snickered.

A New York man has landed a job by using a candy bar as part of his resume. He was applying for anything that didn’t involve handling fragile items since he claims to have butter fingers.

A New York man has landed a job by using candy as part of his resume. He was hired in Silicon Valley because the candy he used was Nerds.

A New York man has landed a job by using a candy bar as part of his resume. When he first came up with the idea, everyone just said “What a goober!”

The swag bag for Oscar nominees is the cheapest in five years, with contents totaling $47,000. Or as Lindsay Lohan calls that, an afternoon of shoplifting.

A poll says that fewer than 45% of U.S. adults are insured through their work. Mostly because fewer than 45% of U.S. adults have jobs.

Detroit has been ranked as the most miserable city in the U.S. It has gotten so bad there they even got a sympathy card from Cleveland.

Detroit has been ranked as the most miserable city in the U.S. It wasn’t even close. Apparently it was chosen after researchers saw a Chrysler with a Romney bumper sticker parked at a Lions football game.

Foreign tourists in the U.S. spent a record $168 Billion last year. A lot of that was spent on inexpensive souvenirs of their trip. Mostly clothing, trinkets and a house.

The FAA says it will not let the 787 fly until risks are addressed. The number one risk is when American Airlines actually tries to start flying one.

A report says that double digit health insurance rate hikes are plummeting. Apparently health insurance executives pretty much have all the vacation homes they need for now.

A report says that double digit health insurance rate hikes are plummeting. Apparently health insurance companies are satisfied for now in just giving us their middle digit.

Martha Stewart is going to testify in a lawsuit over sales of her products between Macy’s and Penney’s. Apparently for old times sake, Stewart will testify wearing an orange jump suit.

A report says that California has awarded millions of dollars in workman’s comp settlements to athletes. Mostly for pain and suffering to anyone having to play for the Clippers.

The U.S. government has reportedly offered to let BP pay a $16 Billion settlement for the Gulf Oil Spill. Which means the company will have to suffer. BP executives will have to stick to drinking domestic champagne for as much as three days.

China is denying it is the world’s biggest trader. They are just the biggest exporter because no one can make crap any cheaper that they can ship back.

New lenses may help fix color blindness. Apparently it will actually allow people to see the world through rose-colored glasses.

38,000 pounds of sausage meat was recalled after customers complained of finding pieces of plastic mixed in. Ironically, the plastic was the healthiest ingredient.

A study says that the more people sit, the greater their risk of chronic health problems. The study was done after researchers noticed they kept getting sick while sitting around writing health reports.

A study says that older adults may get a mental boost from Facebook. Mostly from getting their kids angry when they try to steal all their friends.

A study says that relationship worries can make a person physically ill. Getting sick takes all your money, so you don’t have to worry about having a relationship because you are broke.

The FDA has approved “gummy bear” silicone breast implants. Which is great if you are trying to attract a four year old boyfriend.

The FDA has approved “gummy bear” silicone breast implants. Which is perfect for women who want to become eye candy.

A study by doctors at John Hopkins explains how owls have the ability to turn their heads 270 degrees. Apparently they keep spinning their heads around because they are always hearing someone saying “Who!”

Porn star Ron Jeremy has been discharged from the hospital after undergoing heart surgery. It is the first time that a discharge was associated with Jeremy leaving the hospital instead of being admitted.

Researchers say that weightlessness in space could make germs even more dangerous which could be more hazardous for astronauts. The only question is, how much can germs even weigh down here on Earth?

A charter plane pilot hit some ground lights at JFK Airport in New York, possibly because he was busy texting. Apparently he was just sending in his cocktail order to the flight attendants.

A poll says that Americans see how the country is seen by the rest of the world as better, but not at its best. Mostly because we just don’t have that many more jobs that we can send overseas.

President Obama says he is still not decided on whether he will put his presidential library in Chicago or Honolulu. Tea Party members are saying he shouldn’t forget about possibly building it in Kenya.

Congress says it would take a pay cut with the possibility of the sequester, but that it can’t by law. They say they owe it all to themselves for having the foresight to pass the law.

Congress says it would take a pay cut with the possibility of the sequester, but that it can’t by law. Although any member of Congress who says that could take a pay cut when their constituents vote them out of office.

Japan’s Prime Minister gave President Obama a putter that was made in Japan. President Obama says he doesn’t need it. With a $16 Trillion national debt, he already is good at going into the hole.

The former head of AIG is suing the federal government, saying they shouldn’t have given his company an $85 Billion bailout. Apparently he feels the $85 Billion should have gone directly to the company executives.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Time to get serious again. I would really appreciate all of you who enjoy or at least force yourselves to read this column. If you could send a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my late wife, I will appreciate it no end. Just click on the icon and send what you can. That’s the best way for anyone who wants to send the love!

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