Friday, February 22, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


An Illinois lawmaker wants to ban anonymous comments online. Which is otherwise known as “the Internet”.

An Illinois lawmaker wants to ban anonymous comments online. That would leave most people the choice of three recipe and two gardening websites.

An Illinois lawmaker wants to ban anonymous comments online. Mostly because all the comments are about what a bad job our legislators are doing.

Google and Facebook founders Sergey Brin and Mark Zuckerberg are joining forces to raise money for research to extend human life. Apparently Zuckerberg wants to extend his life far enough to see Facebook stock rise back above its initial offering price.

Google and Facebook founders Sergey Brin and Mark Zuckerberg are joining forces to raise money for research to extend human life. The best suggestion so far is not to spend so much time sitting in front of the computer Facebooking and Googling yourself.

An analysis says that half of all Detroit property owners don’t pay taxes. That’s what happens when property taxes are based on the property’s value.

A Florida woman was wounded while heating waffles when bullets her roommate left in the oven exploded. Apparently she didn’t read the cooking instructions that said preheat oven to 350 and duck.

A Florida woman was wounded while heating waffles when bullets her roommate left in the oven exploded. Police say there is an all points bulletin out for Aunt Jemima.

NBC is projected to finish fifth in the February ratings, coming in behind Univision. When people say they are going to watch “The Biggest Loser”, they don’t mean the show. They mean NBC prime time.

NBC is projected to finish fifth in the February ratings, coming in behind Univision. It’s getting so bad that they got a sympathy card from the people at the Hallmark Channel.

A shoe shiner in Pittsburgh has donated $200,000 in tip money to the Children’s Hospital. Apparently he is interested in redeeming his sole.

An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins reportedly killed himself with helium. Apparently his final words were “Hey, I sound just like SpongeBob!”

Tourists at an L.A. hotel were drinking and bathing in water from a tank that contained a dead body. Suspicions were raised when a couple from New Jersey said it was like they never left home.

A poll says that Americans think the improving housing market will help boost economic growth. Isn’t that what they were saying in 2007 right before everyone lost their home?

A poll says that Americans think the improving housing market will help boost economic growth. Apparently the market is picking up now that people have gone about seven years since their foreclosure and can buy another house.

18 elementary school children in Chicago were sickened after chewing nicotine gum. Apparently they thought they were getting Bazooka Joe and ended up with Joe Camel.

China is defining unmarried women older than 27 as “leftovers” and “undesirable”. In the U.S., 27 is an awkward age for women. Too old to be a “sugar baby” and too young to be a “cougar”.

China is defining unmarried women older than 27 as “leftovers” and “undesirable”. All a woman has to look forward to at that age is living off their pension from 20 years working at Nike.

North Koreans are being encouraged to choose from officially government sanctioned hairstyles. This coming from a nation who just lost a leader with a haircut that could have qualified him to be the fourth Stooge.

North Koreans are being encouraged to choose from officially government sanctioned hairstyles. Which means people can do anything they like with their hair as long as it doesn’t look like Donald Trump’s.

Several British cities are enforcing areas with 20 mph speed limits to encourage more people to bike and walk. Or as 20 mph is called in L.A., “wishful thinking.”

A former California mayor accused of misappropriation of funds is being portrayed as “too uneducated” to know his actions were illegal. It’s a brilliant defense move. What jury will convict a politician who pleads ignorance?

A former California mayor accused of misappropriation of funds is being portrayed as “too uneducated” to know his actions were illegal. The people at city hall should have figured that out when he hung a sign on his door saying “Mayr”.

The CDC says that Americans get 11% of their calories from fast food. What’s worse is that is the part of the diet most people call their “healthy eating.”

The CDC says that Americans get 11% of their calories from fast food. The other 89% they try to eat more slowly.

A study says that younger Americans live a life where they don’t own a house, have no car but have no debt. As opposed to older Americans who lost their home and their car because they have too much debt.

Donald Trump’s Twitter account was reportedly hacked into. It was the worst hack job since his haircut.

Wal-Mart has not taken a position on the proposed increase in the minimum wage. Mostly because Wal-Mart employees don’t actually qualify for minimum wage until they reach middle management.

Wal-Mart has not taken a position on the proposed increase in the minimum wage. To which their employees are asking “What are wages?”

The Volkswagen XLI will be the world’s mpg champion at 261 miles per gallon. Although Chrysler says some of its models get even better mileage than that when you factor in how often people need to push them to get where they are going.

A report says that 38% of restaurants mistakenly label the type of fish they serve. For instance, there are several dishes at Red Lobster that are labeled as “fish”.

A study says that U.S. children are eating fewer calories. What they don’t say is that they are eating fewer calories than elephants, rhinos and hippos.

A Colorado woman says she was denied a massage because she is too fat. Apparently the masseuse usually charges a flat rate and says it was too hard to figure the cost per acre.

A report says that nearly 100 medical procedures, tests and therapies are overused and often unnecessary. Or as the procedures are known to doctors, “Mercedes”, “BMW” and “country club dues”.

A study says that both bullies and their victims are at long term risk for depression and anxiety. No one knew that wedgie withdrawal could be so traumatic for both the giver and the taker.

Mark Hamill is reportedly in talks to be in the new “Star Wars” films. No one had any idea he knew how to operate a boom microphone.

Mark Hamill is reportedly in talks to be in the new “Star Wars” films. Which means between the residuals and his Social Security checks, he will finally have some financial stability.

Lindsay Lohan is being accused of destroying a $1,750 gown she was loaned. In other words she tried it on.

Lindsay Lohan is being accused of destroying a $1,750 gown she was loaned. People were shocked. They had no idea she actually kept her clothes on long enough to damage them.

Kobe Bryant says the 26-29 Lakers will make the playoffs. Hasn’t anyone ever heard of Ticketmaster?

Kobe Bryant says the 26-29 Lakers will make the playoffs. He also says he will go to lunch with Pau Gasol, win the most popular player award and lead the league in assists.

Cold snaps in Mexico have triggered the migration of the monarch butterfly. Which means they need to be stopped before one of them accidentally starts a hurricane.

Nevada has become the first state to legalize online gambling. How drunk do you have to be to not be able to crawl out of your hotel bed and go downstairs into the casino to play some real poker?

The Army has revoked the promotion given to Paula Broadwell who had an affair with retired General David Petraeus. Apparently you can’t be a lieutenant colonel until you learn to be a little more private.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am going to be raising money on this site for the next few months for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. If everyone reading this would click on the icon and just chip in a few dollars, we can make for a really great donation to fight the disease that took my wife Karen nearly two years ago. Thanks for your generosity in advance, it’s the best way ever to send the love!


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