Thursday, February 21, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The sequester reportedly could result in three hour security lines at airports. Or as American Airlines calls that, “on schedule”.

Secretary of State John Kerry says the greatest challenge to our foreign policy is Congress. They are also the greatest challenge to our domestic policy, economic policy, energy policy...

Los Angeles will become the first major city in the world to synchronize all its traffic signals. Which means everyone will be able to move along at the exact same speed of 3 mph.

Los Angeles will become the first major city in the world to synchronize all its traffic signals. Which means the traffic jam will now be spread over 24 hours and not just during morning and evening rush.

Los Angeles will become the first major city in the world to synchronize all its traffic signals. Which means it will only take three light changes to get through an intersection now instead of four.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating is up to 74%. Mostly the people in the state who like him because he makes them feel thinner.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating is up to 74%. The other 26% say no matter what he does, it’s still New Jersey.

A new app allows people to tweet after they are dead. Which means after he dies, Charlie Sheen will be sending tweets that say “Man, it is sure hot here!”

A new app allows people to tweet after they are dead. The proof is that people have actually been getting tweets from Larry King.

The most expensive drink at Starbucks is 52 ounces, contains 40 shots of espresso and costs $47.30. Apparently it contains enough caffeine to keep someone awake all the way through an entire Joe Biden speech.

The CEO of a U.S. tire company blasted French workers for taking an hour for lunch, talking three hours and only working three hours. Who do they think they are, a CEO?

The CEO of a U.S. tire company blasted French workers for taking an hour for lunch, talking three hours and only working three hours. People were shocked. There are tires still made in the U.S.?

The CEO of a U.S. tire company blasted French workers for taking an hour for lunch, talking three hours and only working three hours. His rudeness was recognized and the French immediately made him an honorary citizen.

The State Department has issued a worldwide travel caution for U.S. citizens because of the threat of terror. Although the one safe place that has even managed to scare away the terrorists is on a Carnival Cruise ship.

The City of Detroit is now reportedly $14 Billion in debt. Which city leaders point out is still a thousand times better off than the federal government.

The City of Detroit is now reportedly $14 Billion in debt. Even Chrysler is asking how anyone can run a place so far into the ground.

High gas prices are causing some car dealerships to charge for test drives. Especially when people show up at the car lot with their dry cleaning and a grocery shopping list.

Researchers say that women have a “language protein” that makes them talk more than men. Although some men claim that they all know at least one woman who has gone beyond protein and must be taking steroids.

Egypt is moving to ban alcohol sales in the country. That would definitely have an effect on their reputation as the night life hot spot of the Middle East.

Egypt is moving to ban alcohol sales in the country. That means the favorite drink of choice will soon be cyanide.

Florida Atlantic University has sold its stadium naming rights to a prison company. Apparently it’s so that any of their football players are drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals they will already feel right at home.

A study of tweets says that the happiest people in the U.S. live in Napa, California and the least happy are in Beaumont, Texas. Mostly because the people in Napa are just happy they aren’t living in Beaumont.

A study of tweets says that the happiest people in the U.S. live in Napa, California. Mostly because the area’s two biggest crops are wine grapes and marijuana.

A study says that payday loans hurt at-risk customers the most. Although the most at-risk loan customers are the people who still have a subprime mortgage on their home.

A study says that payday loans hurt at-risk customers the most. Although it’s hard for those places to find customers who still actually have a payday.

A study says that women are at greater risk of having hip implant failure. Mostly because the women who report the most success are the ones who have had implants in their chest.

A new test can detect leprosy before lasting damage occurs. If it works out well there could soon be tests for the plague and boil outbreaks.

A study says that a person’s political party choice can be detected with brain scans. Republicans showed more activity linked with reward, fear and risky decisions while Democrats showed more activity related to emotion. People with no brain activity usually belong to the Tea Party.

A study says that people who were bullied as kids are less mentally healthy as adults. It’s hard to be mentally stable when you think any time someone comes walking up from behind you need to brace for a wedgie.

Spontaneous combustion is being examined as what caused an Oklahoma man to burn to death. Either that or he needed to be a bit more careful about lighting up a cigarette after siphoning gas from his neighbor.

A study says that giving the silent treatment is the best way of dealing with a jerk. Which means most men will see that as a good reason to be an even bigger jerk.

98 Degrees is going to release their first album in 13 years. The reception so far has been lukewarm.

98 Degrees is going to release their first album in 13 years. Apparently they figure it’s been long enough for people to forget their last one.

Kim Kardashian says she is not quitting “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” after season 9. Hollywood insiders were shocked. People are still watching the Kardashians after 9 years?

Kim Kardashian says she is not quitting “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” after season 9. Mostly because doing anything else in show business would require some sort of talent.

The PGA golf tournament in Tucson was delayed by snow. Arizona hasn’t been that white since the state passed their immigration reform law.

A 104 year old Michigan woman has been forced to lie about her age on Facebook. If the woman has anything to lie about, it’s admitting she has lived in Michigan for more than 100 years.

A 104 year old Michigan woman has been forced to lie about her age on Facebook. Mostly because no one believes a 104 year old woman knows how to get online.

Office Depot has bought Office Max. Now all they need to do is merge with Home Depot and T.J. Maxx and completely confuse everyone.

A report says that identity fraud in the U.S. has reached a three year high. Of course, that includes all the players on the Cleveland Browns who claim to be a member of a professional football team.

A study says that drinking coffee helps people live longer. Which could save people a fortune if they can start writing off their Starbucks bill as a health care expense.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A special thanks to reader and JokesByJim friend Catherine Bostic for her generous donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Just click on the icon and you, too can help to find a cure for the illness that took my wife Karen nearly two years ago. You make the donation and I will send the love!

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