Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Nestle has found horsemeat in some of its beef pasta. What’s even worse is they can’t find Quiky the Nesquick bunny.

A 102 year old English woman has quit her smoking habit she started 82 years ago. Apparently she started smoking after bumming a cigarette off Sir Walter Raleigh.

A 102 year old English woman has quit her smoking habit she started 82 years ago. People wondered why. If you have made it more than a century living on English food, it is going to take more than a few cigarettes to do you in.

A 102 year old English woman has quit her smoking habit she started 82 years ago. Apparently she got the idea to quit for good after she wasn’t allowed to smoke in the nursing home where she goes to visit her kids.

Robert Plant says he is open to a Led Zeppelin reunion. Not to say the band is getting old, but when they are asked if they can play “Dazed and Confused” they say yes but it usually clears up after a good nap.

Robert Plant says he is open to a Led Zeppelin reunion. Not to say the band is getting old, but trashing a hotel room usually means looking through all the drawers trying to remember where they left their meds.

New York City taxis may soon have condom dispensing machines. Have you ever ridden in a New York cab? How about a vending machine with some car air fresheners?

New York City taxis may soon have condom dispensing machines. Next they may have machines that dispense Handi-Wipes to clean off the seats.

A study says that drinking coffee is linked to smaller birth weight in babies. That should help sales. What woman wants to push out a baby that is any bigger than it has to be?

A proposed bill in the Missouri House would make it illegal to introduce any gun control laws. Apparently they feel it would be safer to jail someone than have them be shot up by the rest of the legislators.

The FBI says fake brake pads have been sold to New York City taxi operators. Which is no big deal since when is the last time you have seen a cab driver actually use the brakes?

Clive Davis has written a new book that says Michael Jackson tried to kill the career of his brother Jermaine. Apparently it worked.

Clive Davis has written a new book that says Michael Jackson tried to kill the career of his brother Jermaine. People are asking why. He should have used his efforts to kill off the career of La Toya.

North Korea is warning South Korea of its “final destruction”. In fact, they say the destruction will be so complete, when they are through South Korea will pretty much look like North Korea.

A passenger on the Carnival Cruise Line ship Triumph says conditions weren’t all that bad and that it was like “camping at sea.” Of course, the passenger also says he is looking forward to his ride back home on Amtrak.

New Jersey officials say they want to change the appearance of what has been called “the ugliest building in the world” which sits next to the MetLife Stadium before next year’s Super Bowl is played there. Apparently they can start work on the rest of the state after that.

The Post Office is coming out with a new clothing line called “Rain Heat & Snow”. Anyone ordering now can expect deliver through the mail sometime in 2015.

The Post Office is coming out with a new clothing line called “Rain Heat & Snow”. Because who wouldn’t aspire to the work ethic and lifestyle of being an employee of the Postal Service?

The Post Office is coming out with a new clothing line called “Rain Heat & Snow”. Apparently the “gloom of night” part is pretty much a description of the fashion statement.

A 1964 Rambler sedan used by both George and Mitt Romney is being auctioned on eBay. Apparently after the 2012 election, it only goes in reverse.

A 1964 Rambler sedan used by both George and Mitt Romney is being auctioned on eBay. The only problem is it never gets anywhere because it only turns hard to the right.

A 1964 Rambler sedan used by both George and Mitt Romney is being auctioned on eBay. It’s being sold because Mitt had to get a more modern car with GPS since he spent all of 2012 going in absolutely no direction.

Detroit may be assigned an emergency manager by the state because of its financial crisis. Forget Detroit, how about sending someone that knows about finances to Washington, D.C.?

Police in New York City are looking to round up mentally ill people who have not been taking their court ordered medications. Which means there is just one more city where Lindsay Lohan has worn out her welcome.

Hallmark Cards is considering starting a line of cards to send to people in hospice. Apparently they have been getting a lot of requests for something to send to try to cheer up the Republican Party.

A study says that drinking diet soda may not boost a person’s appetite after all. Although by the looks of things it doesn’t hurt it much, either.

A study reveals which people are more likely to catch the common cold. One clue is looking for the people who are walking around barefoot without a jacket in the snow.

For the first time in six years, the number of people getting breast and buttocks enhancement is down. Apparently that means that Joan Rivers and Cher are either finally satisfied or have decided to just give up.

For the first time in six years, the number of people getting breast and buttocks enhancement is down and the number of face procedures is up. Apparently women are figuring if they can’t be happy with their body at least if their face is frozen in a smile they can at least look like they are.

A report says that deaths from drug overdoses are up for the eleventh straight year. With rising health care costs the way they are, prescription drug overdoses are now considered a status symbol.

Phil Jackson says the Lakers are running the wrong offense. Fans are confused. The Lakers have an offense?

Phil Jackson says the Lakers are running the wrong offense. Kobe Bryant agrees. Why are there four other people on the court?

Phil Jackson says the Lakers are running the wrong offense. Apparently it’s the one they borrowed from the Clippers.

White House reporters are upset they weren’t allowed to cover President Obama’s golf outing with Tiger Woods. The media didn’t care about the match. The just wanted to document two brothers at a country club who weren’t carrying bags.

White House reporters are upset they weren’t allowed to cover President Obama’s golf outing with Tiger Woods. You can’t blame the President. If his golf is anywhere close to the level of his bowling game, why would he let a camera anywhere near the course?

A study says that any two web pages online are separated by no more than 19 clicks. Only six if it is to Kevinbacon.com.

Google stock made it up to $800 a share for the first time. To check the current level, just google “overpriced stock”.

Google stock made it up to $800 a share for the first time. To find out when Facebook stock will be worth that much, just google “keep dreaming”.

Announced Senate retirements for 2014 could reach a 40 year high, with 24 calling it quits between 2010 and now. If we could only figure out a way to get rid of the other 76 we might be getting somewhere.

A poll says that Congress’ approval rating is holding steady at 15%. Even Michael Vick was pulling better numbers at the Westminster Dog Show.

A poll says that Congress’ approval rating is holding steady at 15%. Even Piers Morgan was pulling better numbers at the NRA convention.

A poll says that Congress’ approval rating is holding steady at 15%. Are there really that many people still running around in need of mental health care?

The Supreme Court will consider limits to individual political contributions. Apparently they are planning on using the guideline of “How much you got?”

The Supreme Court will consider limits to individual political contributions. Supreme Court justices are living in true political hell. The joy of a lifetime appointment coupled with the misery of never getting to go out and raise campaign funds.

Joe Biden says the 2nd Amendment doesn’t allow people to own tanks. Constitutional scholars are now looking at the 1st Amendment to see if there is any way they can find a limit to how long Joe Biden can be allowed to talk.

Dunkin’ Donuts is pushing for a rule change under President Obama’s health care reform. Of course, we wouldn’t need health care reform in the first place if people wouldn’t eat at Dunkin’ Donuts.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A special thanks to reader Walter Larson for his generous contribution to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I hope all of you take Walter’s lead and make a donation. It’s easy, just click on the CFF icon and any donation you make in the memory of my wife Karen will be appreciated. That is the ultimate way to send the love!

1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Way to go Walter! Now the challenge has been set for the rest of us...