Sunday, February 17, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Facebook paid no federal income taxes last year after getting a multi-billion dollar tax break. At least someone came out ahead by buying up shares of Facebook stock.

The first passenger lawsuit has been filed against Carnival over “horrifying conditions” on the Carnival Triumph that caught fire. What’s worse is the lawsuit was filed before the ship even left port.

The first passenger lawsuit has been filed against Carnival over “horrifying conditions” on the Carnival Triumph that caught fire. Apparently those sharks seen circling the crippled ship was just a legal team.

A study says that chimpanzees have memories that are “far better than humans.” It’s true. When is the last time you saw a chimp wandering around a parking lot wondering where they left their car?

An 11 year old Pennsylvania girl has been kicked out of a Catholic Youth Football league on account of a “boys only” rule. Although some people are asking the Church if that is a rule or just a preference.

A report says there is no central agency that oversees and inspects cruise ships. Although at this point it pretty much looks like Carnival should just be turned over to the CDC.

A report says there is no central agency that oversees and inspects cruise ships. Although lately it just seems to wind up in the hands of the salvage companies.

The Department of Labor has suspended new enrollment in the Job Corps. The program trains young people to get in the work force. Which pretty much these days means learning how to operate a Slurpee machine.

The Department of Labor has suspended new enrollment in the Job Corps. Apparently new candidates will pass right by the middle man and go straight to collecting unemployment.

A Georgia man is selling his collection of more than 200 micro and mini cars. Estimate are that the auction could provide transportation for as many as 2,000 clowns.

Scientists say the Russian meteor is the biggest since the 1908 Siberian blast. It was also one of the biggest space disasters that didn’t say “NASA” on the side.

A study says the majority of Americans are headed for a retirement that will be worse off financially than their parents. To which most Americans were thrilled to hear that they will even get to retire.

A study says the majority of Americans are headed for a retirement that will be worse off financially than their parents. Mostly because their parents’ retirement is pretty much having their kids take care of them in their senior years.

A study says that people who are defensive about taking criticism at work are less happy, have lower performance ratings and have lower self esteem than others. Which is probably why they are being criticized at work in the first place.

A study says the bee shortage is a threat to the world almond supply. In fact, there are so few bees around now that the study only got a C+.

A study indicates that sugar may heal wounds. Especially when you give candy to your wife when she catches you walking in at three in the morning smelling of cheap perfume.

Tests have found horsemeat present in British schools, pubs and hotels. Although so far no one has complained since it tastes better than the food normally served in England.

A consumer group is asking the FDA to limit the amount of sweetener put into soft drinks. Which would pretty much make it tinted water.

Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O’Connor is blaming a brain tumor for a gambling habit that caused her to lose $1 Billion. She can prove she wasn’t in her right mind since most of her bets were on the Clippers.

Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O’Connor is blaming a brain tumor for a gambling habit that caused her to lose $1 Billion. Apparently she was gambling so she could win enough money to afford to get medical treatment for the tumor.

A Michigan woman claims she didn’t know she was pregnant until she gave birth to a 10 pound baby. How obese are we getting when a baby bump is mistaken for just another roll of fat?

The FDA is warning consumers to beware of fake flu medicines. Especially ones that come in a box that have the word “flu” misspelled.

The FDA is warning consumers to beware of fake flu medicines. Which is pretty much anything that claims to be a flu remedy.

All Monster beverage products will start listing the amount of caffeine they contain. Which will be easy since caffeine is pretty much the only ingredient in any Monster energy drink.

A study says that fried foods have the same impact on your liver as hepatitis. Which is interesting since hepatitis was recently revealed to be one of Colonel Sanders’ 11 secret herbs and spices.

A study says that fried foods have the same impact on your liver as hepatitis. Especially when you are injecting yourself with gravy using a dirty needle.

Lady Gaga had time to visit with a sick fan while she is taking time off her tour. Apparently the fan became ill after eating a filet that came off Lady Gaga’s meat dress.

Kirstie Alley is starring in a new show on TV Land. Apparently the idea is to get some ratings by making viewers think they are actually watching an episode of “The Biggest Loser”.

Kirstie Alley is starring in a new show on TV Land. The show is being sponsored by Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem and Jenny Craig.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finally been given a court date for their divorce trial. Apparently Kardashian was torn between if the trial should be presided over by Joe Brown, Judge Hatchett or Judge Judy.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finally been given a court date for their divorce trial. Apparently it was difficult finding a judge who would allow all those reality show cameras in the courtroom.

31 year old Jonathan Taylor Thomas from “Home Improvement” will reunite with Tim Allen on “Last Man Standing”. Which is big news if you haven’t watched any TV since 1996.

A Bigfoot DNA study seeks rights for Yeti, saying that they mated with human females 15,000 years ago. Unfortunately for most women, the dating pool hasn’t gotten any better since then.

A Bigfoot DNA study seeks rights for Yeti, saying that they mated with human females 15,000 years ago. Which goes a long ways in explaining Russell Brand.

Google is set to launch a chain of retail stores. Any time you ask an employee a question about any merchandise, they will tell you to just Google it.

Police in England raided the home of a man who used a GI Joe doll for his Facebook profile picture because it had a toy cannon in the shot. They would have sent a team of Ninjas but fortunately the action figure didn’t come with Kung Fu Grip.

Kentucky Senators Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul support a bill that would allow the legalized growing of hemp. Apparently those are two politicians who want to put the grass in Bluegrass.

A poll says that 65% of small businesses say they can’t find enough qualified workers. Even Nike says they are running out of ten year olds who will stitch shoes 75 cents a day.

The House has passed a bill to block pay raises for federal employees. Imagine thinking that someone on the federal payroll isn’t doing a good enough job to deserve any extra money?

President Obama got some golf tips from Tiger Woods’ former teacher Butch Harmon. Apparently his best advice was to not to try to sneak out of the house at two in the morning on Thanksgiving night.

Mississippi legislators have passed bills making it legal to say prayers during school events. Of course, Mississippi students’ number one prayer is to move to a state with a better school system.

Mississippi legislators have passed bills making it legal to say prayers during school events. When it comes to the quality ratings of Mississippi schools, most people there pray to give thanks for Alabama.

Jack Eskridge, the man who designed the Dallas Cowboys star logo has died at age 89. Apparently he also suggested that the Cleveland Browns leave their helmets blank so no one would know where they are from.

Jack Eskridge, the man who designed the Dallas Cowboys star logo has died at age 89. Fortunately the team adopted the logo before 1989 or else it would have been a picture of Jerry Jones.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Spring Training is almost underway. That is the one time of the year Dodgers fans actually have some hope left for having a successful season. If I can’t see my team win the pennant, at least be kind enough to send the love!

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