Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A TV station hacker warned viewers of zombies in Montana. It turns out they weren’t really zombies, just people wandering around aimlessly while trying to find something to do in Montana.

An expert says a new crisis for teens is sleep texting, sending out text messages while they are asleep. The worst part is that they are doing all of this while driving.

An expert says a new crisis for teens is sleep texting, sending out text messages while they are asleep. Why that is a crisis is anyone’s guess. They already eat and play video games all day while never leaving the couch.

A study says that dogs are more likely to steal food when they think they can’t bee seen. Unless it’s a pit bull which makes you feel fortunate when it leaves you a few fingers when taking your sandwich.

A study says that dogs are more likely to steal food when they think they can’t bee seen. Unlike Congress and Wall Street executives who don’t care who is watching when they are looting the till.

IOC leaders have dropped wrestling from the 2020 Olympic Games. Apparently it just doesn’t hold its own when it comes to real sports like synchronized swimming, rhythmic gymnastics and equestrian dressage.

IOC leaders have dropped wrestling from the 2020 Olympic Games. Apparently at that time it will just become a permanent part of the Gay Olympics.

Pope Benedict XVI has announced he will resign his position soon. How bad is the economy when even God is pushing for early retirement?

A student is suing Lehigh University in Pennsylvania for $1.3 Million over getting a C+ grade in a class. Is a C+ really that bad? George W. Bush made it to President with a lower GPA.

A student is suing Lehigh University in Pennsylvania for $1.3 Million over getting a C+ grade in a class. Or as student athletes say when they get a C+, “Nailed it!”

A Carnival Cruise ship stranded off the coast of Mexico has no air conditioning, no hot food and no working toilets. Otherwise known on Carnival as an upgrade.

Washington, D.C. has been ranked as the U.S. city with the most extra-marital affairs. The worst part is that is even after Newt Gingrich left town.

Washington, D.C. has been ranked as the U.S. city with the most extra-marital affairs. Which means it is also ranked number one in creepy old adulterers.

A Pennsylvania mom is charged with letting her three year old son pump gas into her car. Apparently she just wanted to give him the experience of doing something he won’t be able to afford when he is older.

A Pennsylvania mom is charged with letting her three year old son pump gas into her car. That’s no big deal. In California most parents are teaching their kids how to siphon gas from the neighbors’ cars.

A Washington, D.C. website has area men competing for Valentine’s Day dates they have to bid more than $100 for. Or as lobbyists call that, true romance.

NASA says that parts of the Middle East are losing water at an “alarming rate”. Apparently someone needs to explain that the reason all the water is gone is because they are in a big desert.

NASA says that parts of the Middle East are losing water at an “alarming rate”. Of course they are losing water. Living in 120 degree heat will make you thirsty.

NASA says that parts of the Middle East are losing water at an “alarming rate”. Who cares? When you are sitting on trillions of barrels of oil, you can buy all the water you want.

Shark attacks in the U.S. in 2012 were at a 12 year high. The best way to avoid a shark attack anymore is to just settle out of court.

Shark attacks in the U.S. in 2012 were at a 12 year high. Which is amazing that sharks can still people floating in the water who aren’t too fat to get their teeth around.

A report says the whole student loan process should be overhauled to make it easier and cheaper for students to pay for college. How about making tuition lower so students aren’t paying off their loans with their Social Security checks?

A study says that 4 in 10 Americans are living paycheck to paycheck. The other 6 are asking “What’s a paycheck?”

Intel is developing a streaming video set top box they claim is a “vastly superior experience” to cable TV. Of course, to most people waterboarding would be a vastly superior experience to cable TV companies.

A California tomato farmer has been sentenced to six years in prison for price fixing. How did he know he was going to get the one judge who is a vegetarian?

A California tomato farmer has been sentenced to six years in prison for price fixing. Now all someone has to do is explain why he is sitting in a cell while all the Wall Street executives who cause the economic meltdown are still drinking Champagne in their penthouse office suites?

America’s oldest director is stepping down at age 96. Apparently he felt he felt he had served long enough on the board of directors at Encyclopedia Britannica, the Yellow Pages and Royal Typewriters.

A study says that nearsighted children have worse eyesight during the winter months. Mostly from bullies who are always trying to knock off their eyeglasses with snowballs.

A New Zealand woman has died as a result of drinking ten liters of Coca-Cola every day. It wasn’t the Coke itself. It’s that she couldn’t eat any food with all her teeth rotted away.

A New Zealand woman has died as a result of drinking ten liters of Coca-Cola every day. Apparently the actual cause of death was drowning.

A study says that people living at higher altitudes are thinner. Although the exception to that is the people living below sea level in Death Valley tend to be nothing but bones.

A study says that people living at higher altitudes are thinner. Especially if the higher altitude is a third floor walk up.

Lean Cuisine ravioli has been recalled after packages were found to contain glass fragments. Apparently customers wanted to lose weight but through a little less extreme measure.

Carrie Underwood is denying there is a feud between her and Taylor Swift. They haven’t even been dating.

The Royal Family is upset about pictures released of a pregnant Kate Middleton in a bikini. At first they didn’t even recognize her because she had her top on.

Don Johnson has settled a lawsuit over profits from “Nash Bridges” for $19 Million. Hollywood insiders were shocked. “Nash Bridges” made a profit?

“Walking Dead” was named TV’s deadliest show for the number of people dying on the program each episode. It was followed closely in second place by “60 Minutes”.

Alex Rodriguez will miss Spring Training with the Yankees. It was an unusual move. Usually he doesn’t abandon the team until October.

A poll says that 71% of Americans support ending Saturday mail delivery. Who wants their weekend ruined by getting more bills?

A poll says that 71% of Americans support ending Saturday mail delivery. The other 29% still like it because it is the only exercise their dogs get on the weekend.

A third basemen on the MIT baseball team has admitted he is gay and has support from his teammates. Sports fans were shocked. MIT has a baseball team?

Lady Gaga has canceled four shows because she is unable to walk following an injury. Apparently an overzealous fan tried to cut a filet off her meat dress while she was wearing it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Make sure you take care of your significant other so you will be in good enough health to send the love this way!

1 comment:

Jokes Guy said...

Fun jokes, I especially like the Carnival Cruise one.