Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Pope Benedict XVI says he will resign soon for health problems. Donald Trump says he will confirm it just as soon as the Pope hands him his official notice.

China has passed the U.S. to become the world’s biggest trading nation. Although it still does a lot of trading with the U.S. They send us their cheap goods, we send them our jobs.

A cast member of the MTV show “Buckwild” has been arrested on felony drug charges. Now, who could have seen that coming?

A cast member of the MTV show “Buckwild” has been arrested on felony drug charges. That disproves anyone who might have thought their behavior was a result of any acting skills.

A security firm has developed software that tracks people’s movements and predicts future behavior. Like someone going to a video game store will next go to a McDonald’s and then spend the next eight hours on their couch.

Google Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt says he will sell $2.5 Billion of his stock in the company. Which is why Eric Schmidt comes up when you Google “overpaid”.

Officials say that horsemeat found in British supermarkets may actually be donkey meat. Which should really be no big deal to people who occasionally actually eat haggis.

The French Communist Party has dropped the hammer and sickle as their icon and replaced it with a star. Apparently they wanted to use a plain white flag but that was already taken by the French military.

Delaware may become the first state with a broad spectrum of online gambling. It’s for people who think that gambling is their best chance to make enough money to get out of Delaware.

Some veterinarians are offering acupuncture to animals. Although they aren’t quite sure how they would handle it if someone brought in a porcupine for treatment.

Census data says that one in seven households in Washington, D.C. are in the top 5% of wealth in the nation. The other six are not lobbyists or members of Congress.

Census data says that one in seven households in Washington, D.C. are in the top 5% of wealth in the nation. The other six are Democrats.

4,000 passengers were left stranded on a Carnival Cruise ship that was adrift off the coast of Mexico following a fire. Fortunately no one noticed since the ship had enough food to keep the buffet line open the whole time.

4,000 people were left stranded on a Carnival Cruise ship that was adrift off the coast of Mexico following a fire. Passengers didn’t seem to mind. They wouldn’t have abandoned ship until Kathie Lee Gifford or Richard Simmons actually took the stage.

A study says a million cars were sold last year without having the necessary repairs. Which is otherwise known as buying a Chrysler.

President Obama says the job of debt reduction is nearly done. Apparently the task will be completed when the U.S. officially files for bankruptcy.

President Obama says the job of debt reduction is nearly done. Apparently so is the war on terror, the fight against hunger and the unemployment problem.

Mountain Dew is debuting a new highly caffeinated breakfast drink called Kickstart. The drink will contain fruit juice, vitamins and will come with a defibrillator.

Mountain Dew is debuting a new highly caffeinated breakfast drink called Kickstart. Or as people in Alabama call a highly caffeinated breakfast drink, Mountain Dew.

Texas Governor Rick Perry says that when it comes to business, California is “Looking at our backside.” Of course, Perry last the Republican nomination for President because people realized they were looking at his backside every time he opened his mouth.

A study says at least one in five consumers has an error on one of their three credit reports. The biggest error is when it says the people actually still have credit.

A study says at least one in five consumers has an error on one of their three credit reports. Which isn’t hard to believe that the credit industry would get something wrong after their mistakes completely melted down the global economy.

A Michigan attorney is running a contest to give away a free divorce on Valentine’s Day. People were shocked at the idea. Imagine an attorney giving something away for free.

A Michigan attorney is running a contest to give away a free divorce on Valentine’s Day. He is getting a lot of takers. Apparently anymore, divorce is cheaper than buying candy and roses.

A study says that exercise may reduce the risk of prostate cancer in older white men. Ironically, the number one reason men get into shape is to be able to get away from their doctor when he slaps on the latex glove.

The CDC says the U.S. birth rate is at its lowest level in history. Apparently that is even the real reason that MTV had to cancel “Teen Mom 2”. Not enough people showing up at auditions.

The CDC says the U.S. birth rate is at its lowest level in history. Apparently the good side of all our kids being fat and out of shape is that they can’t even get off the couch to look for someone to have sex with.

A survey says that Bud Light and Smirnoff malt drinks are the favorites of underage drinkers. Remember when kids would go to get their favorite malt beverage at the soda shop?

A record $4.2 Billion in health care fraud were recovered by U.S. officials in 2012. Otherwise known as health insurance premiums.

Doctors in Turkey say they have found a man who is a “vampire” and is addicted to drinking blood. Apparently it turns out that it was just an IRS agent on a European vacation.

A study says that short stretches of everyday activities such as taking the stairs or raking leaves is just as healthy as going to the gym. Although taking the stairs or raking leaves doesn’t make for any hot, sweaty women working out in gym clothes to stare at.

A study says that short stretches of everyday activities such as taking the stairs or raking leaves is just as healthy as going to the gym. Mostly because the majority of people drive to their air conditioned gym to stand around and talk to their friends.

A study says that cutting back on salt slowly could save a half million lives in the U.S. To which most people say that depends on which half million people they are talking about.

The Backstreet Boys are set to release a documentary about themselves. Which is big news for any teenage girls still living in 1996.

The Backstreet Boys are set to release a documentary about themselves. Apparently Michael Moore has finally run out of ideas.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife are listed as number two on the list of top charity givers in the U.S. Their biggest charity donation was all the money they saw disappear when they bought all their stock in Facebook.

A contest will give the public a chance to name two newly discovered moons on Pluto. To find Pluto, astronomers are always told to just look past Uranus. (Yes, old, juvenile and dumb but always worth a laugh!)

A contest will give the public a chance to name two newly discovered moons on Pluto. The only question is how can Pluto have moons if it isn’t a planet anymore?

Joe Biden says he will not be running to replace Pope Benedict XVI. Catholics were relieved. Can you imagine how long it would take if all of his speeches were given in more than one language?

Joe Biden says he will not be running to replace Pope Benedict XVI. Catholics were relieved. You thought a Catholic Mass was long now.

Ted Nugent will attend the State of the Union speech as a guest of a Texas Congressman. Nugent says for the event he will wear his best formal loincloth.

A 102 year old Florida woman will be a guest of Michelle Obama at the State of the Union speech. She is being recognized for waiting several hours to vote in the 2012 election. The worst part is she was there to cast her ballot for 1976.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Valentine’s Day is this week. Don’t forget, roses may be expensive, but it is less in the long run than having to get a room for the week at the Super 8. But it never costs a dime for you to send the love over here!

1 comment:

Jokes Guy said...

Clever jokes. I really like the Backstreet Boys joke.