Sunday, February 10, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Sperm smuggling is being alleged at an Israeli terrorist prison for the inmates’ wives. Which is a huge relief to any of their cellmates.

A poll says that Hillary Clinton is the nation’s most popular politician. All the rest are pretty much tied for last.

The Bush family had their e-mails hacked which revealed a pair of self portraits being worked on by George W. Bush. People were amazed at the detail he was able to achieve with finger painting.

The Bush family had their e-mails hacked which revealed a pair of self portraits being worked on by George W. Bush, including one in the bathtub. Everyone knew it was painted by W. because it featured his top advisor, Rubber Ducky.

A mystery disease in Philadelphia has left young women feeling “possessed” and catatonic. Which is the same thing that happens to men during football season.

A bank is reportedly trying to foreclose on Lindsay Lohan’s house on Long Island. Apparently it’s just a mixup. She didn’t have time to send in her payments between court appearances in New York City and Los Angeles.

A survey says that young adults aged 18-33 are more stressed than any other generation. Apparently they are caught in that awkward age. Too old to live in their parents’ basement, too young for Social Security.

A survey says that young adults aged 18-33 are more stressed than any other generation. Apparently it’s tough knowing that if you ever find a job, you will have to work at it until you are 80.

Budget cuts have left the Navy unable to refuel the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln. That’s the first time Lincoln had run out of gas since the Golden Globes.

Brown University students will be covered for sex changes under the school’s health care plan. So besides changing their major they can also go for a major change.

Brown University students will be covered for sex changes under the school’s health care plan. It’s amazing what some kids will do to earn a free ride scholarship by making the women’s field hockey team.

Brown University students will be covered for sex changes under the school’s health care plan. While their parents were expecting some big changes for their kids after going through college, this might not be exactly what they had in mind.

Brown University students will be covered for sex changes under the school’s health care plan. That may explain to parents why they quit getting requests for gift cards to Best Buy and now Bed Bath & Beyond.

Guatemala has declared a national coffee emergency due to a fungus affecting their crop. It has reached emergency status because half the country’s income comes from Starbucks.

Guatemala has declared a national coffee emergency due to a fungus affecting their crop. Unless something is done to save all the coffee beans, half the people in Seattle could be out of work.

A church in Texas will start offering handgun license classes. They will be using bottles of Evian for target practice in order to make some holey water.

A church in Texas will start offering handgun license classes. The classes will start with participants having to genuflect and give the sign of the crosshairs.

Egypt has ordered Youtube blocked for an entire month for carrying an anti-Islam film. Egyptians are upset about not being able to watch their favorite video of a sacred cat playing the piano.

Steven Seagal has been hired to train posses in Arizona to defend schools. He will also help the drama departments turn out a brand new crop of bad actors.

Steven Seagal has been hired to train posses in Arizona to defend schools. Which makes about as much sense as hiring Christian Bale to protect the rest of the state by driving around in the Batmobile.

Steven Seagal has been hired to train posses in Arizona to defend schools. They should have learned from California which just got rid of a bad actor who didn’t do anything to help the state.

Thousands of people converged on Iowa for the annual Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival. Everything is served either wrapped in bacon or cooked in bacon grease. Otherwise known as eating at Denny’s.

A porn star was brought in to teach a sex seminar at the University of Illinois. Apparently the faculty thought it would be a good idea to use someone at least all the male students were familiar with.

A porn star was brought in to teach a sex seminar at the University of Illinois. The only difference between a sex seminar and Friday night fraternity keg party is the number of class credits available.

Spring Arbor University in Michigan is offering to reimburse student loans for struggling graduates. What’s sad is that people who graduated 30 years ago are looking to get in on the deal.

The Chairman of reliance Industries says the U.S. will be energy independent within five to seven years. Mostly because by then gasoline will be $12 a gallon and we won’t need to import what no one can afford to buy.

The Chairman of reliance Industries says the U.S. will be energy independent within five to seven years. That is good news for members of the military who are running out of oil producing countries to invade.

A study says that gun accidents in the U.S. are down, but other household accidents are up. Mostly from people injured while climbing around trying to remember where they hid their guns.

Assisted suicide is on the legal agenda for several states. Apparently it’s a plan to get people who don’t qualify for Obamacare to get a membership in an HMO.

IBM supercomputer Watson is being offered to doctors to help in diagnosing patients. Although medical experts were a little skeptical when it recommended its first patient needed a new motherboard and video card.

IBM supercomputer and “Jeopardy!” champ Watson is being offered to doctors to help in diagnosing patients. Although doctors were more than a little annoyed that it keeps giving its answers in the form of a question.

A study says that day care may not result in children with increased chances of behavioral problems. Mostly because the kids that don’t go to day care are pretty much just left at home all day by their parents who are working three different jobs.

A study says that day care may not result in children with increased chances of behavioral problems. The only problem was finding a control group of kids who actually don’t go to day care.

Honey Boo Boo says she wants to grow up to work at Wal-Mart and McDonald’s. Or as they call that in Georgia, moonshine wishes and pork rind dreams.

Honey Boo Boo says she wants to grow up to work at Wal-Mart and McDonald’s. Mainly to be able to continue to shop at Wal-Mart and eat at McDonald’s.

Tiger Woods reportedly sent his private jet to pick up injured skier Lindsey Vonn in Austria. Apparently he likes the fact that she is on crutches and won’t be able to chase him down with a 9 iron.

A Las Vegas casino is reportedly interested in having Britney Spears take residency for a recurring gig. Apparently they already have a similar deal in line for her ex-husband Kevin Federline. He is currently washing Dishes over at the Bellagio.

Taylor Swift told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show about her plans for Valentine’s Day. Apparently she will sit down to write several new songs about future ex-boyfriends.

A film expert says he doesn’t believe “The Pride Of The Yankees” with Gary Cooper was “flipped” in order to make it look like Cooper was left handed. Movie executives were going to try the same trick with Adam Sandler films to make it look like he is actually being funny.

Kate Upton has landed her second straight Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover. Which is great news if you are a 13 year old boy who still actually buys that issue.

Red Sox prospect Bryce Brentz accidentally shot himself in the leg while cleaning his gun. Apparently he got the idea after watching Bobby Valentine shoot himself in the foot repeatedly while managing the Red Sox last year.

A Taiwan company is making an invisible cellphone out of glass. The only way you will be able to tell someone using one is texting while driving is when they run their car into a tree.

Computer scientists at UC Irvine have developed an app that can perform paternity tests. The app comes complete with a recording of Maury Povich saying “You are the father!”

A study says that 74% of people reach for their iPad after being intimate with someone. Apparently they are going to dating sites to look for someone new after their partner dumps them for looking at their iPad.

A study says that 74% of people reach for their iPad after being intimate with someone. Those people are called “husbands”.

A study says that 74% of people reach for their iPad after being intimate with someone. The other 24% would but they fall asleep before they can get to it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Valentine’s Day is this Thursday. . Make sure to remember to order flowers and get a card and candy or else you will be getting a phone call from your wife’s lawyer on Friday. In any event, you can send the love here every day of the year!

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