Friday, February 01, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Reports say more highly paid athletes could be leaving California because of the high state income tax. Fortunately, Dodgers players are keeping their incomes in check by avoiding the extra money from making the playoffs.

Reports say more highly paid athletes could be leaving California because of the high state income tax. The trend could decimate the football and basketball teams at both USC and UCLA.

A study says that one in seven adults support both their parents and their children. It’s hard to know which is more expensive, the medications or the video games.

A study says that one in seven adults support both their parents and their children. The other six are just giving the money directly to the hospitals and universities.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has hired Boyz II Men to try to boost the country’s sagging birth rate. He should have brought in a group whose fan base is not yet past their child bearing years.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has hired Boyz II Men to try to boost the country’s sagging birth rate. If he really wanted to do something about the birth rate, he should have tried to get Russia its own NBA team.

A proposed Paycheck Fairness Act would allow people to see what their coworkers are being paid. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the company parking lot.

A proposed Paycheck Fairness Act would allow people to see what their coworkers are being paid. Although the courts are expected to rule it would be cruel and unusual punishment to let everyone else know how small their paycheck is.

A burglary ring in Los Angeles was targeting subscribers to the L.A. Times. Apparently police caught on when all three subscribers were robbed.

Fliers in the UK can sue airlines if they are delayed more than three hours. Or as American Airlines calls a three hour delay, “on schedule”.

Fliers in the UK can sue airlines if they are delayed more than three hours. Of course, that would mean that Jet Blue passengers would be tying up the court system for years.

An Icelandic girl who was called “Girl” has won the right to use her given name of Blaer, after being denied because it wasn’t approved by the government. Apparently the government approves more traditional names, like “Apple”, “Rumer” and “Bjork”.

A price war has left stores in Norway out of diapers. Which is OK since people claim the babies there are too Pampered anyway.

The Vatican says it is risking losing future generations if it doesn’t listen to them. Especially when altar boys are telling the priests “Get your hands off me.”

The Vatican says it is risking losing future generations if it doesn’t learn the culture and language of the young. For one thing, Vatican officials are becoming more modernized by listening only to Gregorian Chants that came out after the 15th Century.

Barry Bonds is selling his house in Los Angeles for $25 Million. He bought it in 2002 for $8.7 Million. Even his house must have been on steroids.

Barry Bonds is selling his house in Los Angeles for $25 Million. He says he outgrew it. Apparently his head can’t fit through the doorways anymore.

A report says the number of subprime student loans is growing. Does that mean if they can’t keep up with the payments the bank will foreclose on their degree?

A report says the number of subprime student loans is growing. Apparently if they can’t keep up with the payments they are foreclosed and transferred to UNLV.

Facebook is rolling out gift cards called Facebook Cards. Apparently they can be used at stores, restaurants and to buy fake farmland.

Facebook is rolling out gift cards called Facebook Cards. They make the perfect gift for all the people who no longer have any money after investing in Facebook stock.

The Department of Energy says the U.S. is still dedicated to getting a million electric cars on the road, but when it happens is no longer important. The problem is finding a million people who live their entire life in a five mile radius.

The Department of Energy says the U.S. is still dedicated to getting a million electric cars on the road, but when it happens is no longer important. Remember when the roads were ruled by “muscle cars” and not autos that make you look like you just got a wedgie?

The Senate has voted for a temporary suspension of the federal debt limit. When you are already $16 Trillion in the hole, there is nothing “temporary” about the debt limit.

A report says that small business hiring was up in January. Mostly because since 2007, every business in the U.S. has pretty much become a small business.

A report says that 40% of all Illinois residents lack adequate savings to cover if they suffer a loss in income. This is a state that puts a lot of trust in their faith. How else would the Cubs be able to sell out so many games?

The NFLPA has given $100 Million to Harvard to study and treat players’ injuries. Harvard knows how to treat football players with serious head injuries. They transfer them to Yale.

A 101 year old runner will retire as the world’s oldest marathoner. Just as soon as he finishes the marathon he started when he was 98.

A study says that people can emit flu germs up to six feet away. But only if they are really trying.

A study says that people can emit flu germs up to six feet away. Mostly because it is hard to throw a Kleenex that far.

A study says that vegetarians have a lower risk of being hospitalized or dying from heart disease. However, they have a much higher risk of being run over while walking along the road after their electric car battery runs out of juice.

A study says that virtual superpowers give people real world empathy. Mostly because being able to fly like Superman makes people feel sorry for anyone who still has to go through airport security.

The WHO has issued salt intake guidelines for children. Remember when kids used to talk about cartoons and baseball and not how many milligrams of sodium are in their fruit cup?

A one hour condom delivery service has been launched in Dubai. The only problem is that after they get an order, they usually get a call back in five minutes saying “never mind.”

A study says that marriage may reduce the risk of having a heart attack. It’s when the marriage falls apart and people get their alimony and lawyer bills that they need to start seeing a cardiologist.

Lindsay Lohan has a new half brother as her dad Michael and his girlfriend had a baby boy. Apparently her dad wants someone around who can set an example for how Lindsay should behave.

Porn star Ron Jeremy is expected to stay in the hospital for two weeks after having surgery for an aneurysm. During that time he is expected to recover while he shoots four new movies.

Geraldo Rivera says he is seriously contemplating a run for the Senate in New Jersey. To which the people of New Jersey are asking for a break, saying they finally just got rid of “Jersey Shore”.

An “American Idol” contestant is being accused of lying about his military service. What’s the big deal? The show is full of people lying about their ability to sing.

Lindsay Lohan is suing a clothing company for $1 Million over a clothing line. Apparently the company is just deducting the amount of clothes she has shoplifted from them.

A poll says that one in four Americans think that God helps determine the outcome of football games. Apparently the other three bet on Notre Dame in the BCS title game.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Super Bowl is just days away. It’s a huge day for businesses. Especially on the following Monday for lawyers who specialize in DUI and divorce. The best way to stay out of trouble is to always remember to send the love!

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