Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


73 year old sportscaster Brent Musberger went a little overboard in gushing over Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend at the BCS Championship Game. Even Joe Namath was telling him to rein it in a little.

A new TV can recognize faces to see who is watching so it can offer personalized viewing menus. How lazy have we gotten that even the remote is now too much work?

Astronauts on the fake Mars mission in Russia spent more time sleeping and doing nothing as the 520 day simulation wore on. Apparently there are only so many times someone can say “Starship Log...” before it starts wearing everyone else out.

Astronauts on the fake Mars mission in Russia spent more time sleeping and doing nothing as the 520 day simulation wore on. Apparently there are just so many times you can sing “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” over a 17 month stretch.

NOAA says that 2012 was the warmest year ever for the U.S. The only good thing is that Al Gore is finally getting tired of saying “I told you so!”

A Washington, D.C. hotel is offering a $47,000 Inauguration Weekend package that includes a personal “Twitter Butler” to chronicle and post about the experience. Mostly how dumb a person can be to just throw away $47,000.

Iran has endorsed former Senator Chuck Hagel to become the next Secretary of Defense. That ought to push his nomination right through Congress.

Disney is considering layoffs due to the bad economy. In fact, the only employees not in danger of being downsized are the Seven Dwarfs.

Cameroon has acquitted two men who were sentenced for “looking gay”. No one even knew that Cameroon had an Abercrombie and Fitch.

A new social network has been started just for cats. If you thought birds were angry now, just wait until they find out cats are tweeting.

A Missouri man has been accused of dismembering a victim and throwing the arms at witnesses before being caught. He says he was simply exercising his Second Amendment right to bear arms.

A poll says that Congress is less popular than head lice, cockroaches and Donald Trump. Congressmen were shocked and upset. How could anything be less popular than Trump?

A poll says that Congress is more popular than gonorrhea and the Ebola virus. To which gonorrhea and the Ebola virus immediately demanded a recount.

A poll says that Congress is more popular than gonorrhea. That confused pollsters. At least there is a cure for gonorrhea.

The unemployment rate in Washington, D.C. remained steady at 5.3% in November. The news upset most Americans. That’s the one place they actually want to see unemployment go up.

CBS says some Super Bowl ads cost a record $4 Million this year. Those are the ads that air before the game starts while people are still paying attention to what’s on the TV.

CBS says some Super Bowl ads cost a record $4 Million this year. Or as CBS calls $4 in ad revenue, a good month.

Former McDonald’s CEO Fred Turner has died at 80. He is the person responsible for starting Hamburger University. Otherwise known as the Harvard of the Obese.

Former McDonald’s CEO Fred Turner has died at 80. He did what so many McDonald’s customers could only dream of. Living to age 80.

Chevrolet has a new tag line, “Find new roads.” Apparently that means their vehicles no longer come with standard GPS.

The IRS has delayed accepting tax returns eight days until January 30th. Apparently they are giving people some extra time to actually find some income to report.

A study says that thinking skills and depression are common among former NFL players. Especially the ones who regret spending their entire career playing for the Cleveland Browns.

Researchers say the recession has taken a toll on health care. Fewer people are going to see their doctor on a regular basis. Mostly because without a job, they no longer have any stress related illnesses.

A study says that doctors often cave in when their patients want brand name drugs. Apparently their patients want the real thing because generic painkillers don’t bring in as much money when they sell them on the street.

A California council is urging that the Eagle rank be given a gay teenage Boy Scout. Instead of the Eagle, the Boy Scouts of America thought it would be more appropriate to give him the Peacock award.

A study says that being bilingual can keep a person’s brain young and sharp. Look at Dora the Explorer. She’s actually 25 years old but still looks like she’s 10.

A report from the CDC says that 1 in 8 U.S. women binge drink. Researchers had no idea there were that many women still enrolled in college.

A report from the CDC says that 1 in 8 U.S. women binge drink. Which means that men have a 12.5% chance of scoring when they go out on a date.

Taylor Swift has reportedly broken up with her latest boyfriend Harry Styles. Or as the tabloids call that, “Tuesday”.

Taylor Swift has reportedly broken up with her latest boyfriend, singer Harry Styles. Harry Styles? Was that the name of her boyfriend or her salon?

Taylor Swift has reportedly broken up with her latest boyfriend, singer Harry Styles. She’s 23, he’s 18. Which officially makes her the world’s youngest Cougar.

Taylor Swift has reportedly broken up with her latest boyfriend, singer Harry Styles. Which means she will have enough material for another album to come out next week.

Saturday Night Live has booked Justin Bieber as host and musical guest for an upcoming episode. The only problem is that they will have to reschedule the program for 7:30 so he can make it to his 9:00 bedtime.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother says she is putting all the money from their reality show into trust funds for their future. The sad part of that is knowing that Honey Boo Boo’s family is financially smarter than almost every other household in the country.

A report says that Brazilian prostitutes are learning English for the 2014 World Cup. Does it really take that long to learn the four or five words a prostitute needs to know?

A report says that Brazilian prostitutes are learning English for the 2014 World Cup. So who’s going to be talking?

A new phone can caption phone conversations on a screen. Isn’t that pretty much called “texting”?

Intel has plans that will enable people to control their computers with facial expressions. Of course, when a man makes any facial expressions when he is on the computer it means he is watching porn.

Vinton Cerf, the man credited with creating the Internet says that nobody is too old for technology. Except maybe those people who still have VCRs and still can’t figure out how to stop flashing “12:00”.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The college football season is over, and then pro football ends in February. Which gives men another month to think of something to say when they actually have to start spending time with their wives again. It’s never tough to think of what to say to me. All I need is for you to remember to send the love!

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