Sunday, January 06, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says the Cash For Clunkers program actually hurt the environment. But only when people used the program to trade in their own car to buy a new Chrysler.

An Indian man paid $230,000 for a shirt made out of gold as an investment. For him, if he goes broke he really does lose his shirt.

Naomi Campbell was reportedly mugged while in Paris. Even she couldn’t be more rude and obnoxious than the French.

Naomi Campbell was reportedly mugged while in Paris. Apparently she was unarmed. She left her hotel without her cellphone.

Argentina is going to hand out 82 Million free condoms. Or as American college campuses call that, a two day supply.

Scientists say doctors may soon be able to cure headaches with an electrical shock. The only problem is dealing with the bigger shock of getting their bill.

A battery powered toothbrush that was ticking set off a bomb scare at Atlanta’s airport. Apparently the TSA agents in Georgia had never actually encountered a toothbrush before.

Passengers on an Iceland Air flight to New York subdued an unruly flier with duct tape. They just had to come up with the airlines $50 duct tape fee.

Mexico is considering legalizing marijuana. To which most Americans were shocked. Pot isn’t already legal in Mexico?

Idaho Senator Mike Crapo has pleaded guilty to drunk driving. After passing the fiscal cliff legislation, all Senators and Representatives ought to be given a sobriety test.

A report says that Lance Armstrong is considering an admission that he used performance enhancing drugs. Which means it’s a good thing his organization’s motto is “Live Strong” and not “Live Honestly”.

A report says that Lance Armstrong is considering an admission that he used performance enhancing drugs. Which is going to be hard to do, since someone who has won the Tour de France seven times just isn’t used to backpedalling.

Analysts say that the low gasoline prices of 2012 will evaporate this year. The only question to that is since when did $3.50 a gallon for gas become considered a low price?

Temperatures in China have dropped to their lowest in three decades. Fortunately for Nike, kids are asking to work even longer than their normal 15 hour shifts just to keep warm.

A Minnesota couple who were married for 65 years died just hours apart. When notified her husband had passed, the woman’s final words were “I win!”

A woman from South Carolina who was the oldest living U.S. citizen has died at 114. To which Larry King said “Another one cut down right in the prime of life.”

The latest jobs report says that unemployment went up even though 155,000 jobs were added in December. Mostly because a lot of those jobs were taken by people already working who need three jobs just to get by.

Toyota is set to reveal their self driving car. So their cars can steer themselves and accelerate wildly by themselves. The just need to figure out how to make them stop once in awhile.

A report says that women’s unemployment has exceeded that of men for the first time since the recession started. Mostly because men no longer have any problem in working at beauty salons, as secretaries or maids in order to make a living.

The Fiat 500 Electric gets a reported gas mileage equivalent of 116 miles per gallon. The only problem is getting the car 116 miles without having to take it into the repair shop.

A report says the prison population in America is shrinking. Mostly because so many homes have been foreclosed there is nothing to break into anymore to rob.

 A report says the prison population in America is shrinking. Which means there is plenty of room to put all the Wall Street bank executives who caused the economic collapse, so why are they still not behind bars?

United Airlines is attempting the first fare hike of the year. Airline passengers were shocked. The announcement was made January 5th. What took them so long?

A Florida brain injury facility has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently after shows like “Honey Boo Boo” and “Jersey Shore” aired, it became obvious all the brain injury business is in New Jersey and Georgia.

A poll says that Americans understand that there is an obesity crisis, but that they don’t want any restrictions put on the sale of junk food. Sort of how they know that our country is going down the toilet but they still keep electing the same members of Congress.

A study says that people’s beliefs are likely to change as they get older. Like the belief that they will someday be able to retire.

 A study says that people’s beliefs are likely to change as they get older. Like the belief that the government really is here to help the people.

Rihanna sparked controversy with a picture of marijuana she put on Instagram. Which really starts to explain why she is still seen hanging around with Chris Brown.

“Hawaii Five-0” viewers will get to decide the ending of an upcoming episode. According to the latest ratings, it looks like the audience is voting for the ending of the show.

Kris Jenner was planning on selling the baby announcement for Kim Kardashian but was beaten to the punch by Kanye West who broke the news for free. Apparently Jenner is furious. She just lost two tummy tucks and another face lift for Bruce.

Ole Miss crushed Pitt 38-17 in the BBVA Compass Bowl. Game analysts say that Pitt just seemed to have no direction.

Scientists claim to have achieved temperatures below Absolute Zero. Apparently it’s where the mercury drops to when John Boehner and Eric Cantor walk into the same room.

The Library of Congress has amassed 170 Billion tweets from Twitter. Interestingly enough, 168 Billion of them are about how much the people that wrote them hate Congress.

The Library of Congress has amassed 170 Billion tweets from Twitter. So if future civilizations come across our records, they will know exactly what we had for breakfast every day.

A Mayan “fat god” platter was found among some ruins in Central America. So they were right. The Mayan apocalypse wasn’t about the end of the world, it was just saying by 2012 we would all be too fat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Since I’ve broken all this year’s resolutions already, time to start working on next year’s. Actually I am really working on the ones for 2032 since I have broken the ones I have come up with until then. I hope your resolution is to keep remembering to always send the love!

1 comment:

janice hough said...

Guess we can assume that traveler with the toothbrush wasn't from England.