Friday, January 04, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The federal government has resolved an antitrust case against Google with a slap on the wrist. Apparently they dropped the case after Google showed them when they google “Google” it says “We didn’t do it.”

The FBI says that more people are murdered by hammers and clubs than by rifles. Just ask Tiger Woods who came that close to being done in by a 9 iron.

Two California teenagers have been arrested for drugging one’s parents in order to use the Internet. The worst part is that after all that they didn’t have time to even find anything because the parents used AOL.

Illinois Senator Mark Kirk says his debilitating stroke was a “gift from God.” As was the congressional health care plan that unlike most of his constituents, allowed him to get the treatment to fully recover.

Illinois Senator Mark Kirk says his debilitating stroke was a “gift from God.” Apparently losing some of his brain capacity has made it a lot easier to understand the thought process of many of his colleagues.

New taxes could drive up the price of cigarettes in Australia to $20 a pack in the next five years. Fortunately for most of the smokers Down Under, their smoking habit will kill them before they have to pay the full amount.

A 15 year old Icelandic girl who was given a name not approved by the government is being officially called “Girl” until the case can be resolved. Apparently her parents weren’t happy that the only other choice was “Bjork”.

Two Australian men have been charged with missing their original target of a jewelry store and instead breaking into a KFC. Either that, or they were just trying to get a bucket that they could eventually use to carry away the jewelry.

An 18 year old Brazilian woman is offering to auction her virginity on YouTube. Fellow Brazilians are furious with her. They say she could get a much higher offer going through eBay.

An 18 year old Brazilian woman is offering to auction her virginity on YouTube. Most men are skeptical. When they hear about an 18 year old virgin, they say that means she is either ugly or a liar.

A Utah school district has canceled a school play that uses Elvis Presley’s “All Shook Up” because they say the song is “too racy”. Someone needs to tell the school district they need to update their calendars from 1957. 

Money laundering problems have forced the Bank of Italy to require tourists in the Vatican can only use cash for purchases. Apparently the bank feels it will be a lot easier to launder money that has been blessed by the Pope.

Money laundering problems have forced the Bank of Italy to require tourists in the Vatican can only use cash for purchases. To which American Express is kicking itself for not being able to pull off that deal to have the Pope be their exclusive pitch man.

A military judge has denied a TV broadcast of the 9/11 trial of defendants at Guantanamo Bay Prison. Apparently the judge feels if people want to watch crazy people fighting for their life in court they can always watch “Judge Judy”.

Bloomberg News says that the wealthiest people on the planet racked up another $241 Billion in 2012. And that wasn’t Bloomberg Business News, that was just Michael Bloomberg talking about himself.

Starbucks is rolling out a $1 reusable plastic coffee cup. Apparently it is large enough to hold a $7 latte.

Starbucks is rolling out a $1 reusable plastic coffee cup. You can buy the cup, but you only rent the coffee.

A watchdog group is questioning 5 Hour Energy drink’s claim that there is no “crash” after drinking it. The only crash involved is the hard realization that you just paid $3 for a little bottle of caffeine.

An American fugitive was captured in Canada and charged with a $1 Million health care fraud case. To which everyone else involved in health care is saying “Amateur!”

Studies are questioning if spending more on health care results in better treatment. The confusion comes from all the insurance companies saying “no”, and all the doctors saying “yes”.

An article says that too many doctors can hurt a patient with the “bystander effect”. Meaning the patient is just standing by while the doctors do nothing and the insurance company denies all their claims.

An article says that too many doctors can hurt a patient with the “bystander effect”. To which everyone is asking who has ever been able to even find one doctor when you need them?

A puking robot is helping study the spread of the Norovirus. That and making for more practical seating arrangements at Taco Bell restaurants.

The CDC says that one in 24 adults admits to nodding off while driving. Usually after someone left a Kenny G CD playing in the car stereo.

The CDC says that one in 24 adults admits to nodding off while driving. Apparently those are people who can afford expensive cars that are soundproofed so well they can’t hear the gunplay from the other cars on the freeway.

Scientists are using weather forecasts to predict the severity and time of the flu season. The only problem is finding someone who can actually get a weather forecast right.

Walking is being linked to fewer strokes in women. Especially when they are walking away from their house and don’t have to hear their husband whining about not having any clean clothes to wear or anything to eat in the refrigerator.

Katy Perry has been chosen as the “Hottest Woman” for 2013 by Men’s Fitness magazine. Apparently the readers are assuming no one hotter will come along in the next 362 days.

Katy Perry has been chosen as the “Hottest Woman” for 2013 by Men’s Fitness magazine. In a related story, Russell Brand was chosen Biggest Loser for all time by Men’s What Were You Thinking? magazine.

Snoop Dogg says he would “love to show his kids” how to smoke weed. Not so they can get stoned. It’s because he is so high all the time he needs to have someone around who can help him pack a decent bowl in his bong.

Phil Jackson and Jeanie Buss are reportedly engaged. The word is that Kobe Bryant will give away the bride so he can finally be credited with an assist.

A study says that Wikipedia is driving away newer volunteer editors from the site. Mostly because newcomers are having more fun vandalizing the entries than fixing them.

A study says that female IT grads will make more than their male counterparts in 2013. Just because anyone hiring in an IT department will pay anything just to actually be able to see a woman at work for once.

A poll says that a majority of Americans are optimistic about how they will do in 2013. Mostly because they are praying that where they are after 2012 has got to be rock bottom.

California gun sales are up, but the number of gun casualties are down. Mostly because armed robberies are a thing of the past since no one has anything of value to steal anymore.

The 113th Congress is said to be the most diverse ever. Apparently it is made up of completely incompetent do nothing, self serving idiots from every walk of life.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, we didn’t fall off the fiscal cliff. Of course, for most people the fiscal cliff isn’t they one they might fall off, it’s the one they have to climb to get back out of debt. I will always be indebted to you, as long as you remember to keep sending the love!

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