Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis used a banned substance to recover from a torn triceps. He says he has passed every test he has been given. At least except a lie detector test about killing two people.

A study says that cats kill billions of birds and small mammals every year. And those are just the ones that have access to their owners’ assault rifles.

A home in California has sold for $117.5 Million. Or as that was called back in 2007, a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Detroit is reportedly close to bankruptcy. Economists were shocked. Detroit hasn’t already gone bankrupt?

Detroit is reportedly close to bankruptcy. The question is who gets there first, the city, the Detroit Lions or Chrysler?

Surfer Garrett McNamara has ridden a record 100 foot tall wave in Portugal. The hardest part was figuring how to get back after making it ashore in Greece.

A California doctor behind a new treatment for premature ejaculation was shot by one of his patients in his office. Ironically, the shooter says the gun went off unexpectedly.

A missile launcher showed up at a gun buy back program in Seattle. Apparently the owner decided it was more fun to go deer hunting with a weapon that actually made it possible to find some of the venison.

A missile launcher showed up at a gun buy back program in Seattle. The owner says if nothing else, when he sat on the porch with it the neighborhood kids stayed off his lawn.

Hillary Clinton says as Secretary of State she identifies most with William Seward. Mostly because that’s the only person anyone can actually remember as being Secretary of State.

Hillary Clinton says as Secretary of State she identifies most with William Seward. She feels he helped her get the position when he bought Alaska which gave us Sarah Palin which gave President Obama the election which got her the job.

Google has mapped out North Korea with the help of a crowdsourcing effort. Now people can see where the country’s street is actually located.

A judge has approved a $4 Billion criminal settlement for BP in the Gulf Oil Spill. Company officials say the fine could set them back as much as three days.

A judge has approved a $4 Billion criminal settlement for BP in the Gulf Oil Spill. After which the price of gasoline immediately went up 50 cents a gallon.

A layer of thick smog over Beijing caused airline flights to be canceled. It was so bad, that people were trying to fly out to Los Angeles to get some better quality air.

A layer of thick smog over Beijing caused airline flights to be canceled. No one even knew that American Airlines had service out of Beijing.

Pope Benedict XVI says easy annulments undercut the value of marriage. Apparently he is asking people to wait a few years and get divorced like everyone else.

Pope Benedict XVI says easy annulments undercut the value of marriage. To which most men will testify that the value of their marriage came out to half of what they owned plus attorneys’ fees.

A 1913 nickel could fetch as much as $5 Million at an upcoming auction. Which is a pretty good deal when you realize that back then the whole government ran on a budget of $4.98.

The CDC says that leafy greens account for 46% of food borne infections. Health experts were shocked. 46% of Americans eat leafy greens?

The CDC says that leafy greens account for 46% of food borne infections. Apparently it comes down to that one piece of lettuce they stick on each Big Mac.

A Postal Service worker in Detroit is retiring after 44 years without taking a sick day. She didn’t need to since she had the easiest job in the entire Post Office. Delivering fan mail to the Detroit Lions.

A Postal Service worker in Detroit is retiring after 44 years without taking a sick day. Apparently there is just a lot more work to do now that people can get their unemployment checks mailed to their homes.

Renault workers are protesting in France during union negotiations. Economists were shocked. Renault is still in business?

A study says that heart problems are tied to early dementia. Apparently senility takes over once people go through the shock of getting their cardiologist bill.

A study says that high blood pressure in children is less common than was thought. Remember the old days when kids only caused high blood pressure in others?

A study says that high blood pressure in children is less common than was thought. The sad part is that kids used to trade desserts at lunch time instead of heart medicines.

A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. For one thing, anyone admitting they are gay won’t be embarrassed to buy a video of Richard Simmons’ “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”.

A study says that eating an earlier lunch can help people lose weight. Unless they start lunch earlier and finish right before dinner.

A study says that eating an earlier lunch can help people lose weight. Unless their idea of an earlier lunch is at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that erectile dysfunction may be a signal of heart disease. Of course, having heart disease with no sex is better for your health and less expensive than when your wife finds out you have been cheating on her.

MTV is considering canceling “Teen Mom 2”. How bad is it when the network that aired “Jersey Shore” is shutting down a show because of erratic behavior?

The Post Office is issuing a stamp honoring Johnny Cash. It’s the first time in decades the Post Office can actually say it is making Cash.

A sex photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly been found. Arnold should have known not to let anyone with a camera into the house on cleaning day.

A sex photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly been found. It could be used as the basis for a movie called “Pumping The Maid While She Irons”.

Tina Fey says she wants to do a “Mean Girls” musical. Don’t they already have that? It’s called Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj on “American Idol”.

The Yankees are reportedly trying to void the contract of Alex Rodriguez. Insiders aren’t sure if it is because of new allegations of PED use or because he stops hitting in September.

A judge has ruled that NCAA athletes can pursue TV money. Mostly because none of them are in college but aren’t pursuing a degree.

A judge has ruled that NCAA athletes can pursue TV money. Lawyers aren’t sure if that means in addition to the money they are already paid by agents, advertisers and alumni.

A new immigration bill is focusing on high-skill workers. Which in the U.S. now means someone who can flip burgers and also operate the milkshake machine.

A new immigration bill is focusing on high-skill workers. Apparently the government is looking for people who can devise a way to keep all the other immigrants out.

A study says that American Express is the most trusted online company. Mostly because no one makes enough money to be considered for membership by American Express anymore.

Justice Scalia is being criticized by some scholars for claiming the Constitution is a “dead” document. Apparently his contention is that anyone who doesn’t believe him can just go over what the Supreme Court did after the 2000 Presidential election.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Super bowl is just days away. It’s the only game where people remember the best commercial more than the best team. I just hope you keep remembering to always send the love!

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