Monday, January 28, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


New York Senator Charles Schumer says that Beyonce still hasn’t apologized for lip syncing the National Anthem at President Obama’s Inauguration. Not only that, but Kelly Clarkson still hasn’t apologized for singing for real.

A report says that some starving North Koreans are eating their children to stay alive. Apparently there are just so many ways you can prepare dog meat.

A 71 year old Connecticut woman has been arrested for prostitution. That is just one more reason to not extend the retirement age any further.

A study says that nearly half of all Americans are overqualified for their job. Where are all these people during Congressional elections?

A study says that nearly half of all Americans are overqualified for their job, and that 15% of all cab drivers have college degrees. Those are the computer science graduates who have gone from being hackers to being hacks.

Ravens safety Bernard Pollard says the NFL won’t be around in another 30 years because of safety measures they are taking to protect players. Which means the divorce rate will be going up when men actually have to try to talk to their wives another 16 weeks a year.

People displaced by Hurricane Sandy in New York say that temporary housing has no heat and is infested by rodents. They say if they knew it was going to be like that, they would have just moved to New Jersey.

A court says the EPA has overstated the amount of biofuel that can be made from grasses and wood. Mostly because the only person in the U.S. using biofuel is Willie Nelson and he has other ideas of what to do with all the grass.

A court says the EPA has overstated the amount of biofuel that can be made from grasses and wood. For one thing, no one is too excited about the slogan “Put a termite in your tank.”

Russia is planning to prosecute a whistleblower attorney who died a year ago. And people thought the U.S. justice system moved slowly.

Russia is planning to prosecute a whistleblower attorney who died a year ago. How little are lawyers trusted there that they don’t even believe them when they are dead?

Bucknell University in Pennsylvania has admitted it inflated SAT scores of incoming freshmen. Suspicions were raised when students with high SAT scores kept enrolling at Bucknell.

Dutch Queen Beatrix says she will abdicate the throne after 33 years to turn it over to her son. When asked why she is letting her son take over as King of the Netherlands, she said “Wooden Shoe?”

The Boy Scouts say they are ready to end the ban of gays in the organization. Apparently the word got out when they introduced a merit badge in Broadway show tunes.

The Boy Scouts say they are ready to end the ban of gays in the organization. The word got out when the Scouts announced they were replacing their neckerchief with a leather studded dog collar.

Las Vegas leads the U.S. in housing construction gains. Apparently what they are doing is actually just finishing up all the projects that were foreclosed before they were even finished.

Tom Hanks was chosen as the most valuable movie star of all time. Mostly because he survived both “Bosom Buddies” on TV and a  film career starting with “Bachelor Party”.

Barnes & Noble says it is planning to close 30% of its bookstores in the next ten years. Mostly because of the cost of education, 30% fewer people will be able to read by then.

Barnes & Noble says it is planning to close 30% of its bookstores in the next ten years. Mostly because a whole generation of people quit reading once J.K. Rowling stopped writing “Harry Potter” novels.

A Pennsylvania homeowner is suing the seller and real estate agent for not disclosing the house had a bloody past, including murder. No one even knew that O.J. Simpson had moved to Pennsylvania.

A report by economists says that economists are not politically motivated. No one would care what there motivation is if they actually got it right once in awhile.

A report by economists says that economists are not politically motivated. After which Fox News came out with a report that Fox News is not politically motivated.

Walgreens is planning to offer sushi and manicures at some of its more upscale stores. Which is good because their customers can buy stomach remedies and treatments for hand infections while they are already there.

Taco Bell has pulled an ad that mocks vegetables. They would have also mocked meat but figured they didn’t need to since people who eat there don’t know what it is.

The Consumer Federation of America says insurers punish good drivers with low incomes. Mostly because everyone with a high income hires a low income driver to be their chauffeur.

J.C. Penney is bringing back sales after they disappeared last year. Mostly because no one is going to buy anything at Penney’s thinking they paid full price.

J.C. Penney is bringing back sales after they disappeared last year. Mostly because it’s tough to compete with Goodwill and the Salvation Army when asking for full price.

The Treasury says it approved large pay raises for executives in firms that were bailed out by the government. Mostly because the executives showed how smart they were by getting the government to bail them out for their reckless behavior.

GM says it will spend $300 Million to upgrade its factory in Kansas. The number one improvement will be to move the factory out of Kansas.

A soldier who was wounded in Iraq was given a double arm transplant. It’s a good thing the military is paying for the operation or else it would have cost him an arm and a leg.

16 people in five states were sickened from eating raw ground beef. What’s worse is that the healthiest part of their meal was washing it down with a Big Gulp.

16 people in five states were sickened from eating raw ground beef. How fat are we getting that we can’t even wait for someone to cook our food before gulping it down?

A study says that getting a good night’s sleep improves the memory. Especially when you have to keep thinking up excuses to tell your wife as to why you didn’t come home the night before.

Kris Jenner is planning to host a TV talk show. Apparently the show will feature child raising experts who tell her how bad of a job she did raising the Kardashian sisters.

Fox plans on starting their own version of “Adult Swim”. It will be called ADHD. That’s because it will cater to people who only watch “Adult Swim” and Fox because they have ADHD. 

Louie Anderson reportedly came close to drowning during practice for “Splash” celebrity diving. Usually when Anderson goes into the pool, it’s everyone else who comes close to drowning.

Porn star turned legitimate actor James Deen says that Lindsay Lohan behaved “like a child” on the set of “The Canyons”. How bad is it when a porn star calls you out on your professionalism on the set?

Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight outside a recording studio. Hollywood experts were shocked. Chris Brown fights men?

Sarah Palin was paid what worked out to $15.81 per word while she worked for Fox News Channel. Mostly because even she can’t get a word in edgewise with Bill O’Reilly.

Former Colorado Representative Tom Tancredo says he won’t smoke pot after all like he says he would do after losing a bet. People are disappointed. They want to see how insane he would sound when under the influence of drugs.

Former Colorado Representative Tom Tancredo says he won’t smoke pot after all like he says he would do after losing a bet. Voters don’t want to see politicians after they smoke pot. They want to see politicians under the influence of sodium pentothal.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you don’t like any of these jokes, I will have another batch you can hate just as much tomorrow. That’s what I’m here for. That and for you to always keep sending the love!

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