Friday, January 25, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano says that Internet users need to practice good “cyber hygiene.” Which usually means scrubbing your hands and taking a full shower after getting on Myspace.

Colorado is planning to set limits on how stoned a person can be to drive. Apparently the measure calls for people to have to be able to drive no less than 20 mph under the speed limit.

A report says the cost of raising a child to the age of 21 is at a record $351,000. The first $51,000 gets them all the way up until they need to come up with college tuition.

A report says the cost of raising a child to the age of 21 is at a record $351,000. That means parents still have another 14 years before they finally get them out of living in their basement and looking for a job.

A report says the cost of raising a child to the age of 21 is at a record $351,000. Who knew that buying that cheap condom would turn out to be so expensive after all?

A report says the cost of raising a child to the age of 21 is at a record $351,000. Who knew that video games and junk food could cost that much?

A bill in Oregon would make cigarettes only available with a prescription. The question is which would be more difficult, finding a doctor who would write that prescription or having your health insurance company pay for it?

A bill in Oregon would make cigarettes only available with a prescription. Who ever thought we would see the day when pot was legal and cigarettes required a note from a doctor?

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper says his wife he is now separated from offered to stay with him if he ran for President. Apparently he is worth a few years in the White House but the Governor’s Mansion just wasn’t enough to cut it.

A Florida man was arrested for forcing his fiancee to swallow her engagement ring when she tried to leave him. He claims he was just following her doctor’s orders to eat more carats.

A study says that people who give up smoking by age 40 have a greater chance of living longer. Mostly from not being assaulted after lighting up near a militant non-smoker.

A study says that people who give up smoking by age 40 have a greater chance of living longer. Which will give them some extra time to work on giving up drinking, junk food and living on the couch.

Schools in Washington, D.C. may drop government as a required course to graduate. Mostly because they don’t to be the ones to tell the kids there whose parents are federal employees just how badly they are doing their job.

Ireland won’t allow a law that would ease drunk driving laws for farmers. People were surprised. They have drunk driving laws in Ireland?

Ireland won’t allow a law that would ease drunk driving laws for farmers. People were surprised. Which means they can’t drive the plow after getting plowed.

Burger King has cut ties with the company that has been accused of putting horsemeat in with their beef products. After which they received a call from Taco Bell asking if they could have that company’s phone number.

United Airlines says it is going to cut 600 front office jobs. The airline says all the job cuts would be from their customer service department if they had one.

McDonald’s says its fish products will be tagged with an “ecolabel”, meaning the fish they use is a sustainable seafood. It is sustainable since no one has ordered a Filet-O-Fish in more than three years.

McDonald’s says its fish products will be tagged with an “ecolabel”, meaning the fish they use is a sustainable seafood. The only thing not sustainable is the health of someone who eats at McDonald’s too much.

Scientists say that it isn’t known if half the medical procedures performed even work. At least the ones that promise to help people lose weight.

Scientists say that it isn’t known if half the medical procedures performed even work. It just makes a lot more money for doctors than telling patients to take two aspirin and call back in the morning.

AT&T reports they had record iPhone sales. Meaning their service caused a record number of people to switch over and buy iPhones from Sprint, Verizon and T-Mobile.

A study says that nearly 10% of all people who are hospitalized come back for a visit to the ER within a month. Right around the time they get the bill for their hospital stay.

A survey says that condoms don’t diminish sexual pleasure. Especially when realizing that nine months later there won’t be any diaper changes and midnight feedings.

A study says that lightning may be the cause of some headaches. Especially for meteorologists who predicted sunshine.

A study says that lightning may be the cause of some headaches. Mostly when the dog completely chews up the house during a thunderstorm.

A study says that people who want to eat less while watching TV should take smaller bites. Or they could just watch an episode of “Honey Boo Boo” and completely lose their appetite.

A study says that people who multitask the most are usually the worst at doing it. Mostly because if they could do one thing right at a time they wouldn’t have to multitask in the first place.

“Top Gun” is going to be re-released in 3D. Which is big news for anyone still living in 1986.

“Top Gun” is going to be re-released in 3D. Although it is advised not to take young children who could be frightened into thinking they will be eaten by Tom Cruise’s teeth.

Lance Armstrong has turned down an offer to be on “Dancing With The Stars”. Apparently producers were impressed at how he was able to tap dance his way around all of Oprah’s questions.

Kim Kardashian sent out angry tweets denying her mother used to beat her. Now what besides a sex tape, reality show and disastrous marriage would ever lead anyone to think that Kim Kardashian may have been abused?

“The Wizard of Oz” tops a magazine’s list of the greatest movies ever for kids. The worst is “Daddy Day Care” which gives kids nightmares that they might be taken care of by Eddie Murphy.

Reports are that Tiger Woods is dating skier Lindsey Vonn. Which pretty much confirms rumors he is getting back together with ex-wife Elin.

The NBA New Orleans Hornets have changed their name to the Pelicans. They should have changed it to the Spiders since they can always be found in the cellar.

A study says that storm clouds are filled with bacteria. Which means that noise you hear in a storm isn’t thunder, it’s a flush.

Researchers are linking mental illness with people’s Facebook behavior. Especially those people who are still buying Facebook stock.

The Pope is calling on followers to use Facebook, Twitter and other social media to spread the faith. Meanwhile, all the priests are trying to spread the faith through Myspace.

Former Colorado Congressman and Tea Party supporter Tom Tancredo says he will smoke pot now that it has been made legal in the state as part of a bet. To which Democrats around the country are trying to figure out what he was smoking before.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, there is always a money back guarantee on these jokes. Just send the remainder of the joke to my e-mail site and we will start working on your refund right away. Just make sure you also remember to always send the love!

1 comment:

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