Thursday, January 24, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Tiger Woods admits he left California when he did to escape high state taxes. Apparently the motel tax alone for having 15 girlfriends would have broken him.

A study says that reading about people's successes that they post on Facebook can leave others envious. Especially when you barely have a backyard garden and read about other people who have thousands of acres of fake farmland.

A study says that reading about people's successes that they post on Facebook can leave others envious. Especially when they don’t have anything else to do with their time other than sit around reading Facebook.

Scientists are linking DNA with present day humans to those who lived 40,000 years ago. No one even knew that the NBA existed back then.

The voice actor who played the role of Charlie Brown in several Peanuts TV shows was arrested in California for stalking. Apparently he was harassing a woman he claimed kept pulling the football away every time he tried to kick it.

The voice actor who played the role of Charlie Brown in several Peanuts TV shows was arrested in California for stalking. When the judge ordered psychiatric testing, he asked if he could borrow a nickel to see his shrink.

A woman in Florida was arrested for stealing a pack of cigarettes back in 1991. It will be the basis for the worst episode of “Cold Case” ever.

Donald Trump is reportedly exploring buying the New York Times. You’ll know the sale is final when it becomes The Trump Times.

A poll says most Americans believe the largest banks need to shrink or be broken up. Pretty much like how what they did caused the entire global economy to shrink and be broken up.

A new cartel has formed to raise the price of tea. Which means any day now the U.S. is going to invade India.

A new cartel has formed to raise the price of tea. As if the Tea Party didn’t have enough to be angry about already.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta has opened combat roles for women. Which means one good PMS episode and we are out of Iraq and Afghanistan in a matter of days.

A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. Especially when lighting up around militant non-smokers.

A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. Especially when they smoke after having sex with a married woman.

A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. But they get that back if they are smoking after eating a healthy meal.

A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. Which means Joe Camel could be checking out by the time he is 30.

The Navy says that random alcohol tests will begin next month for sailors in the U.S. If it works, the only ones left spending like drunken sailors will b the members of Congress.

A New York City company rents ties and other men’s accessories to its members. Apparently the soup stains are optional.

A New York City company rents ties and other men’s accessories to its members. Apparently it’s a big hit for Wall Street investors who want to hang themselves after getting caught with their Ponzi schemes.

A report says that union membership dropped a half percent in 2012. Mostly because even union members don’t make enough to afford union dues anymore.

A report says that union membership dropped a half percent in 2012. Mostly because executives realize the more dues paying jobs they ship overseas, the more money they will have to pay all their country club dues.

An attorney for the American Beverage Association says the soft drink size limit in New York City is bad for the people. To make their point, the Association wants to change the city’s nickname from The Big Apple to The Big Gulp.

The percentage of home foreclosures across the country dropped last month. Mostly because there just aren’t that many people who still actually still haven’t lost their homes already.

A study says the least satisfied military employees are white males. Apparently the generals are all very upset that military budget cuts have really taken a toll on base golf course maintenance.

A study says the least satisfied military employees are white males. But enough about David Petraeus.

An Irish man who lost his nose to cancer is growing a new one on his arm. The only problem is his mother keeps telling him to quit wiping his nose on his sleeve.

An Irish man who lost his nose to cancer is growing a new one on his arm. The only problem is that the doctors placed it near his armpit and he keeps asking everyone if they can smell anything.

An Irish man who lost his nose to cancer is growing a new one on his arm. The only problem is that a nose on his arm cost him an arm and a leg.

An Irish man who lost his nose to cancer is growing a new one on his arm. The worst part is that he is showing off his armpit hair and calling it his goatee.

U.S. scientists have agreed to retire most research chimps. PETA says experimenting on chimps was a “national disgrace.” To which Bubbles the Chimp says “So what do you call having to live with Michael Jackson for ten years?”

Doctors are warning about a toxic fog settling in over Salt Lake City. It’s getting so bad they are having to change the name to the Mormon Tuberculosis Choir.

Doctors are warning about a toxic fog settling in over Salt Lake City. It’s getting so bad that men are starting to complain about having to take care of all seven wives when they suffer from asthma at the same time.

A study says that only 18% of behind the camera jobs on Hollywood films go to women. Mostly because the other 82% are all for Best Boy.

Kim Kardashian’s estranged husband Kris Humphries reportedly wants a $7 Million divorce settlement. He says that being dumped after 72 days of marriage was the most embarrassment he ever suffered. Other than with being drafted by the Utah Jazz.

Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams is defending Beyonce’s lip synced version of the National Anthem at President Obama’s Inauguration. After all, Beyonce has been pretty much been giving lip service to Destiny’s Child the past ten years.

San Francisco 49ers running back Frank Gore has been fined by the NFL for wearing his socks too low. Is that really a problem? Usually when an NFL player’s socks are too low it’s because he is packing a Glock semiautomatic in them.

Orangutans at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. play with iPad apps to keep them occupied. If they learn how to use them well enough, Nike is interested in seeing if there is a way to see if they can sew a tennis shoe.

A Dutch architect is planning on building an entire home using a 3D printer. The best part is that when he travels he can just fax it ahead of time to where he’s going.

A study says the largest dinosaurs had brains the size of tennis balls. Which explains why all those dinosaur movies portray them as making such a racket.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just ten more days until the Super Bowl. Otherwise known as “Pizza Restaurant Black Friday”. Just make sure you remember to send me a slice of the love!

1 comment:

Catherine Bostic said...

Super Bowl Party at Jim's house! I hear the basement is cleaned and just needs a big screen tv...!