Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Taliban says Prince Harry has “mental problems” for bragging about killing their soldiers. For one thing, why would anyone fly a helicopter on a combat mission when they could be spending their entire life on permanent vacation?

Prince Harry says his scandalous Las Vegas pictures were “Too much Army and not enough Prince.” Actually they were too much Prince and not enough clothes.

A New York dentist has been charged with practicing while drunk. Apparently the first sign something was going on was when the dentist would insist on being the one wearing the nitrous oxide mask during procedures.

A New York dentist has been charged with practicing while drunk. Patients became concerned when the assistant would ask them if they were numb and the dentist would always answer “Pretty much.”

Naturalist Sir David Attenborough says that humans are a plague on the Earth. No one even knew “The Kardashians” and “Honey Boo Boo” were being shown on TV over in England.

A 72 year old Japanese finance minister says that the elderly should be allowed to “Hurry up and die.” To which all the 115 year olds in Japan are blaming on his youthful ignorance.

A New Zealand environmentalist is calling for a ban on cats as pets. Anyone who has ever had a cat knows that anything that completely takes over and runs the entire household is not technically a pet.

An Al Jazeera documentary says that the U.S. military used “Sesame Street” songs along with rap and heavy metal to torture terrorism suspects. In fact, Osama Bin Laden would never have been taken down if it weren’t for “Rubber Ducky”.

An Al Jazeera documentary says that the U.S. military used “Sesame Street” songs along with rap and heavy metal to torture terrorism suspects. Fortunately, all the suspects broke down and confessed before they even had to get to their secret weapon. The Justin Bieber catalogue.

A nurse in L.A. was arrested for having sex with a corpse. People were shocked. Hugh Hefner is already cheating on his new wife?

A nurse in L.A. was arrested for having sex with a corpse. Apparently she was just excited to find someone who didn’t need Viagra to be stiff. 

Workers in China revolted over poor working conditions which included two minute toilet breaks. Next time you are lacing up your Nikes, just hope the worker who made them had enough time to wash their hands afterwards.

Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy is reportedly moving to London to escape his country’s new 75% tax on the wealthy. Americans were shocked. There’s a place where the wealthy have to pay taxes?

A factory gas cloud from northern France caused a stench from London to Paris. Otherwise known as taking the Chunnel.

An English half penny dating back to 1796 sold at auction for more than $350,000. It’s the opposite in the U.S. People who used to own a $350,000 house now don’t even have a penny.

Blockbuster says it will close 300 stores across the country. People were shocked. Blockbuster is still in business?

Blockbuster says it will close 300 stores across the country. People are sad. They like to take their kids there and show them what a VHS tape actually looks like.

The Toyota Prius has beaten out the Honda Civic as the best selling car in California. Mostly because the only people who can afford to buy a new car are all the geeks in Silicon Valley.

A report says that chicken wings will be less available and more expensive for the Super Bowl, the biggest day for chicken wings all year. So no matter who holds up the Lombardy Trophy after the game, the biggest winner is still the Colonel.

A report says that chicken wings will be less available and more expensive for the Super Bowl, the biggest day for wings all year. In fact, the biggest Hail Mary at the Super Bowl is the one said before the game by all the chickens.

Delta Airlines reports a $7 Million Fourth Quarter profit despite Super Storm Sandy canceling 20,000 flights. Apparently they made up for lost fares by sticking their passengers with a $50 Super Storm Fee.

Delta Airlines reports a $7 Million Fourth Quarter profit despite Super Storm Sandy canceling 20,000 flights. When asked about the 20,000 cancellations from the storm, airline officials said “There was a storm?”

A study says that job placement programs don’t work. Mostly because it’s hard to place people in jobs when there aren’t any jobs to be placed into.

Bentley is offering Wi-Fi in its new Mulsanne sedan. How dangerous is that when the driver won’t just be texting but will be able to get full Internet access while behind the wheel?

Bentley is offering Wi-Fi in its new Mulsanne sedan. Chrysler is thinking about the same idea so people can get online to call for a tow truck when their car breaks down.

Bentley is offering Wi-Fi in its new Mulsanne sedan. Scion gave up on Internet access in their vehicles because the cable kept falling off while they were driving.

Coca-Cola is letting viewers pick the ending of their next Super Bowl ad. For most people, a life of drinking Coke ends with rotting teeth and morbid obesity.

A Harvard scientist says he is not looking for women to give birth to a genetically engineered Neanderthal. He says if they want that, they should become a groupie for their local NFL team.

Annie’s has recalled seven kinds of frozen pizza that could have metal fragments in them. Apparently consumers should look for the boxes that say “Pepperoni, Sausage and Shrapnel”.

A study says it’s easier to read a person’s body language than their facial expressions. Especially if the person is smiling but carrying an AK-47.

A review of studies says that alcohol doesn’t help a person’s sleep quality. Is that really true? Have you ever seen a wino wandering around aimlessly downtown in the middle of the night?

A report says that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants Maria Shriver back. He claims he has given up other women and can prove it. His house is clean because he is letting the housekeepers actually do some work.

Sheryl Crow says that Lance Armstrong’s lies about drug use were “devastating”. Although she does say it was easier to take than being dumped for the Olsen twins.

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly turned down an offer to be on “Dancing With The Stars”. If they can’t get her their next option is to go with Honey Boo Boo or one of the Kardashians.

It is being reported that Beyonce lip synced her performance of the National Anthem at President Obama’s Inauguration. Not only that, to keep from messing up like at his first Inauguration, the President and Chief Justice John Roberts lip synced the oath of office.

A report says that a highly scouted high school basketball star in Virginia is 20 years old. To which educators in Alabama are asking which grades did he skip.

The government estimates that a quarter of spending on IT is wasted every year. Or as that is called in government terms, “incredibly efficient.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading my blog, now tell all your friends. And make sure to remember to always send the love!

No comments: