Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Iran says it will soon launch “live creatures” into space. When asked how the animals will survive in a hostile and void environment, scientists say they will be fine when they return to Iran.

Two dancers in a strip club in Alaska got into a fight over a one dollar bill. Fortunately, their routine just started and they had only stripped down to their parkas.

There is a claim that some Al Queda terrorists in Algeria worked for BP. Al Queda immediately denied it, saying even they have to draw the line at associating with a group that could really give them a bad name.

There is a claim that some Al Queda terrorists in Algeria worked for BP. Al Queda immediately denied it, saying even they aren’t evil enough to have masterminded the Gulf Oil Spill.

A study says that loneliness can be bad for a person’s health. Apparently the study was done using people who are doing other studies.

A study says that loneliness can be bad for a person’s health. Which is even more bad news for Clippers fans.

Some college students have developed apps that will help kids learn algebra. Which will come in handy to figure out launch angles when they are using the app to play “Angry Birds”.

Some college students have developed apps that will help kids learn algebra. Is there a way to get kids to do anything that doesn’t involve their smartphone?

Prince Harry says he prefers being in a war zone to dealing with tabloid sniping. Of course, he doesn’t have to deal with the tabloids in a war zone because he usually keeps his clothes on there.

A coup attempt in Eritrea has failed. Apparently military leaders gave up their bid to take over the country when they asked themselves why they wanted to take over Eritrea.

A study says that dementia is linked to hearing loss. Which means that senile people aren’t forgetting things, they just can’t hear when you tell them what to do.

A study says that dementia is linked to hearing loss. Which means that the cure for Alzheimer’s may just be a Q-Tip.

A report says that diagnoses of ADHD have gone up by 25% in the past decade. Which is pretty much in line with the number of new video game consoles sold during that time.

Chase and PNC banks will start giving out $1 and $5 bills from their ATMs. Which means if you take out $1 you will have to put back $3 to cover the transaction fee.

Chase and PNC banks will start giving out $1 and $5 bills from their ATMs. Mostly because none of their customers have $20 left in any of their accounts.

A website allows brides to sell their weddings if they are canceled. Kim Kardashian is trying to see if she can get on to sell one slightly used marriage.

Justin Timberlake is trying to reinvent Myspace. To which middle aged stalkers of teenagers are  saying it works just fine.

A report says that airfare rates climbed at a slower rate in 2012. Mostly because the airlines take three times as much money in fees from passengers on each flight anyway.

A website says the Ford Edge is the cheapest vehicle to insure. Mostly because once they are off the lot their value pretty much drops to zero.

A website says the Ford Edge is the cheapest vehicle to insure. Mostly because no self respecting thief is going to be caught dead driving around in a Ford Edge.

A survey says that finance and banking are the least trusted industries. Mostly because even their ex-wives would let them come by for an occasional visit when they took the house.

A survey says that finance and banking are the least trusted industries. To which politicians and used car salesmen are saying “Thank you!”

More hospitals are having to supersize their equipment to take care of obese patients. Although patients are upset that the wider ambulances can’t fit through the McDonald’s drive-thru window on the way to the ER.

More hospitals are having to supersize their equipment to take care of obese patients. Apparently they are just trying to cater to the needs of their best customers.

Cuba has reportedly started using their undersea fiber-optic cable for the first time in two years. The only problem is that they are still trying to figure out how to hook it up to their Smith Corona typewriter.

Atari has filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. People were shocked. Atari is still in business?

Atari has filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Apparently sales of Pong have dropped dramatically since 1981.

A study says that snowboarding is linked to increased injuries on ski slopes. Most likely from skiers tripping them with their poles as they go by.

A study says that snowboarding is linked to increased injuries on ski slopes. Especially if the snowboarders are staying in the same hotel as Shaun White.

A study says that people are most likely to miss a doctor’s appointment on Monday. Especially if they have been waiting in the lobby to see the doctor since Friday.

A plus size model in Los Angeles has the world’s largest hips, measuring at 8 feet. Apparently she is the model for the new Boeing 787.

A study says that poor sleep habits can lead to feeling unappreciated in a relationship. Especially if the reason you can’t sleep is because of your partner’s constant snoring.

A study says that obese people are more likely to die in a car crash. Mostly because they save the lives of anyone who happens to be sitting behind them.

Regulators have approved a flu vaccine made from insect cells. Apparently they say the shots can take care of all types of bugs.

Regulators have approved a flu vaccine made from insect cells. While it may protect you from the flu, it doesn’t guard against getting swatted.

Barbara Walters was hospitalized after being cut in a fall. Apparently she passed out when no one on “The View” could actually think of anything to say for a second.

The original TV Batmobile sold at auction for $4.6 Million. The only problem is that the new owner keeps getting calls from Robin asking if he can get a ride to a supermarket opening.

Twitter has been experiencing intermittent connectivity issues. Isn’t that pretty much what Twitter is all about?

Trader Joe’s “Two Buck Chuck” wine has gone from $1.99 to $2.49 a bottle. Now they are calling it “Two and a Half Ben”.

Phil Mickelson reportedly withdrew from an investment group buying the San Diego Padres because of California's high tax rates. It’s not like owning the Padres is going to add to anyone’s income anyway.

A Harvard geneticist says the day is coming when a woman will give birth to a genetically engineered Neanderthal baby. Doesn’t that woman already exist? She is known as Sylvester Stallone’s mom.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It looks like the 49ers will play the Ravens in the Super Bowl. It will be a test of will and stamina. Not the game, listening to reporters’ stupid questions between now and the game. Until that day arrives, make sure to keep on sending the love!

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