Sunday, January 20, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A man in Paris was found to be renting a 17 square foot apartment for $442 a month. Or as they would call that in Manhattan, “rent control”.

A man in Paris was found to be renting a 17 square foot apartment for $442 a month. He didn’t just come out of the closet. He was living in one.

A man in Paris was found to be renting a 17 square foot apartment for $442 a month. Even the crooked landlord will be spending time in a cell larger than that.

The Dow hit a five year high as stocks reached their highest point since December of 2007. So while Congress is still talking about raising the retirement age the Wall Street bankers just went and did something about it.

The Dow hit a five year high as stocks reached their highest point since December of 2007. Unfortunately, most investors had to sell their stocks to keep their house after losing their job.

A Cheesecake Factory shrimp pasta dish tops a list of unhealthiest foods, coming in at more than 3,000 calories. New York City's answer to that is to keep people from washing it down with a 32 ounce soda.

A Cheesecake Factory shrimp pasta dish tops a list of unhealthiest foods, coming in at more than 3,000 calories. Compared to that, the cheesecake is listed on the “light fare” menu.

Miami is offering tickets to Miami Heat games in exchange for guns. If authorities want to confiscate guns, they should just use the tickets themselves for when the Wizards are in town.

Researchers say that lying like Lance Armstrong did is common with just about everyone. It’s just that very few of us have the guts to actually do it in front of Oprah.

Researchers say that lying like Lance Armstrong did is common with just about everyone. Especially people who cheat to make a $100 Million fortune they want to keep.

President Obama is promising to fix the hole in mental health care coverage. Apparently he feels once he gets them the help they need, he can finally sit down to a rational discussion with the members of Congress.

A five year old kindergartner in Pennsylvania was suspended for threatening to shoot other students with a pink bubble gun. Her plan was to then kill herself by sticking her head in her Easy Bake Oven.

A five year old kindergartner in Pennsylvania was suspended for threatening to shoot other students with a pink bubble gun. Fortunately she was able to be taken down by her classmates who remembered to pack their Glocks and AK-47s.

A Michigan Supreme Court Justice has been charged with fraud. Apparently the justice isn’t worried. The U.S. Supreme Court threw out the entire presidential election in 2000 and no one said a word.

A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. Sometimes the best gun control is no gun control.

The U.S. Mint has run out of 2013 American Eagle silver coins. That’s the good thing about paper currency. You can still keep making it even when you ran out of money $16 Trillion ago.

Transcripts from meetings show that the Federal Reserve had no idea about the financial crisis that was brewing in 2007. Since then they have just been busy trying to keep printing money as fast as Congress can spend it.

Stock values went up 85% during President Obama’s first term. Unfortunately, they had gone down 200% during President Bush’s second term.

Stock values went up 85% during President Obama’s first term. Which doesn’t mean much to people who can figure that 85% of zero is still zero.

President Obama says the Inauguration is a symbol of how democracy works. And Congress is an example of how democracy doesn’t work.

President Obama says the Inauguration is a symbol of how democracy works. Unfortunately, the elections that get us there are still pretty much an oligarchy.

A study says that drinking alcohol makes people urinate more often. It also makes them throw up, get arrested for drunk driving and lose their wife and family.

A study says that drinking alcohol makes people urinate more often. Mostly because drinking anything makes people urinate more often.

A study says that drinking alcohol makes people urinate more often. How bad would it be to have to work on that study and have to listen to people’s life story while they get drunk and wait for them to pee?

A UK woman’s dentures were found to be stuck in her throat for nine weeks. The problem is that no one noticed anything unusual with a British woman who was missing her teeth.

The FDA is cracking down on all-metal hip replacements. Mostly after complaints of people who have them and can’t get past TSA agents at the airport in under three hours.

The FDA is cracking down on all-metal hip replacements. Mostly after complaints from people about their grandchildren always sticking refrigerator magnets on their rear ends.

High IQ Society Mensa is offering free online IQ tests along with tips on how to stimulate your brain. The first tip is if you watch “Honey Boo Boo”, “Jersey Shore” and “The Kardashians”, never mind.

High IQ Society Mensa is offering free online IQ tests along with tips on how to stimulate your brain. The first tip is to immediately set your TV to block Fox News Channel.

High IQ Society Mensa is offering free online IQ tests along with tips on how to stimulate your brain. They aren’t expecting too many takers because most men hear the words “online” and “stimulate” and go straight to their favorite porn web sites.

The FDA has cleared Botox to help with bladder control. Apparently they made the discovery when they found out Joan Rivers hasn’t peed in six years.

The FDA has cleared Botox to help with bladder control. Apparently it’s hard to pee when your face is clenched in a perpetual smile.

A study shows that chimpanzees show some of the same sensibility about fairness as humans. Except the time when Cheetah went on strike to get top billing over Tarzan.

Kim Kardashian reportedly is ready to give Kris Humphries an annulment but her mother Kris Jenner says no. Apparently she considers anything that lasts more than three episodes is a successful marriage.

The Lance Armstrong “confession” brought 4.3 Million viewers to the OWN channel. Or as NBC calls that, a pretty good year.

Justin Bieber is about to pass Lady Gaga as having the most Twitter followers. Otherwise known as “Twits”.

Justin Bieber is about to pass Lady Gaga as having the most Twitter followers. Combined they have more than 66 Million followers. The scary part is the presidential election was won with only 65 Million votes.

Paramount plans to make a biopic about Lance Armstrong. It will be based on a true story except the parts where he is speaking.

Director Kathryn Bigelow is defending the torture scenes portrayed in the movie “Zero Dark Thirty”. If she really wanted to depict pain and suffering caused by the government she would have just had people watch three hours of C-SPAN.

Baseball Hall of Famer Stan Musial has died at age 92. He was the National League’s first $100,000 a year player. Even the bat boys won’t work for that anymore.

Web activists celebrated Web Freedom Day last Friday. Which millions of people around the world also acknowledge until they get their Internet provider service bill.

The TSA is removing body scanners from airports. Apparently the agents would rather let terrorists on the planes than have to look at any more images of naked Americans.

A poll says that 38% of Americans want stricter gun control. The other 62% wouldn’t come out from their bunkers to be questioned.

Joe Biden took part in the National Day of Service on Saturday. His greatest service to the country is to have a day where he doesn’t say anything.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Make sure you tell all your friends about this blog. Feel free to make a comment and always remember it scores extra points to send the love!

3 comments:

Catherine Bostic said...

I'm always looking for extra points... so I'm sending you you extra love today!

And, my dear Mr Mensa, since I'm an over achiever, I thought I'd even comment on your jokes today...

Loved the 2nd and 3rd alchohol can make you urinate more jokes, (duh!), it went along with the Botox bladder control joke with Joan Rivers, lol!

But the best was the biopic about Lance!

Love you, Jim... You are awesome!

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